Just jokes

As my mother used to say, I am shivering in my shoes. One false move and I will find the scariest mountain road I can and make sure the unfenced 100' drop is on your side!

Oi! Greatnan. Don't forget: I know where you live.

All our Scots have a great sense of humour (just one between them).

Yes, Greatnan, but it was sent to me by a Sassenach friend.

I take no responsiblity for this oldie - that racist Anno sent it to me

An Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to obtain blood in case the need arose.As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & a large sum of US dollars.

A couple of weeks later the Arab had to go through an emergency corrective surgery.

His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, with a BMW, diamonds & money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye, laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins

Brilliant! Greatnan

Here are some humorous statements made by airline flight crews...

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

Pilot - "Folks, if you were with us last week, we never got around to mentioning that it was National Procrastination day. If you get a chance this week, please try to celebrate it. If you can't get to it, then maybe try to do it at the weekend, but no big rush. Have a nice day."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched asthey leave the aircraft.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight!"

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy.

You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.

Look at me...I'm ME. I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood.

What do you say to that?"

The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"

Teacher Arrested

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, and a slide-rule. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the
man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. 'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes,
and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle." When asked to comment on the arrest, Vice President Joe Biden said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the the Vice President.

Things Dogs Must Try To Remember

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in
the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The nappy pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mummy up with my cold, wet nose on her bottom.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mum's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mum & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mum's driver's license and car registration.

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners -:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

I once posed naked for a magazine - I can't go back to that newsagents.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two builders, Fred and Bill, are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the 'suit'.
Fred: "I reckon he's an accountant."
Bill: "No way! He's a stockbroker."
Fred: "He's no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!"
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Fred and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the 'suit' is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and several jugs get the better of the builder...
Fred: "Scuse me...no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?"
Suit: "No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession"
Fred: "Oh! What's that then?"
Suit: "I'll try to explain by example....do you have a goldfish at home?"
Fred: "Er...mmm...well yeah, I do as it happens!"
Suit: "Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?"
Fred: "It's in a pond."
Suit: "Well, then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden."
Fred: "As it happens, yes I have got a big garden."
Suit: "Well then It's logical to assume that in this town that if you have a large garden that you have a large house."
Fred: "As it happens I've got a five bedroom house...built it myself."
Suit: "Well, given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married."
Fred: "Yes, I am married, I live with my wife and three children!"
Suit: "Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife."
Fred: "Yep! Four nights a week!"
Suit: "Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often."
Fred: "Me? Never!"
Suit: "Well there you are, that's logical science at work!"
Fred: "How's that then?"
Suit: "Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and about your sex life!"
Fred: "I see. That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!"
They both leave the toilet and Fred returns to his mate.
Bill: "I see the suit was in there, did you ask him what he did?
Fred: "Yep! He's a logical scientist!"
Bill: "What's that then?"
Fred: "I'll try to explain. Do you have a goldfish?"
Bill: "Nope"

Fred: "Well then, you're a wanker........"

Evaporated milk, if it really was the can would be empty when you opened it.

Questions which have no answers.

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two pennorth in'... But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway..

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why, Why, Why

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,

Why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses Are not on sale?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes
..
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you

A woman says to her husband, that the car is not working, and she thinks it is because there is water in the carburettor. As she has no idea how an engine works, he is amazed.
'How do you know that?' he asks.
'Because it is in the canal', she replies.

(With thanks to Dave Spikey - one of my favourite comedians).

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Scotsman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."
When the Scotsman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."

I will try, anno, but for at least two weeks I will be exploring in a hire car - I will try to find motels with wifi or cybercafes - plenty of those in NZ because of the back-packers.

We are going to miss you, Greatnan when you go down under. Please check in from time to time to keep our spirits up!

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.


A fifth grader class was on an educational trip. As they rode along in the school bus, the teacher noticed that one boy was lying facedown in the aisle of the bus with his hands over his eyes. “Why are you lying in the aisle like that.”
“Well,” said the boy, “if you don’t see anything, you don’t have to write anything.”


A teacher sees a lad entering the classroom – his hands were dirty.
She stopped him and said, “John, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?”

Smiling the boy replied, “I think I’d be too polite to mention it.”


Mrs. Smith, I ain’t got no crayons.
Young man, you mean, I don’t have any crayons.
You don’t have any crayons. We don’t have any crayons.
They don’t have any crayons.
Do you see what I’m getting at?
I think so. What happened to all the crayons?

Enjoy

Guess who is having a very pleasant, relaxing time, reading all the threads?
I am off to NZ on 12th February, for six weeks, but I will try to keep up the jokes, and of course I will be enjoying the rest of the forum.

The Bear Remover.

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for " Bear Remover." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean old pit bulldog.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof,then I'm going to go up there,and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof,the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles,and not let go.The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

You're right - a real groaner!