Just jokes

Here's a 'groaner'......

One day, in Biblical world, long after the great flood waters had died down, God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want, after all - you're the guv'... "
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
"Fish?", queries Noah "Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Koi carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Koi Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK... God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"
"Check".
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".
"Check".
"And you want it full of Carp?".
"Check"
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly getting increasingly worried about either the sanity of God or his own hearing...

"Dunno", says God....

...

"I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

Halloween party

A married couple was invited to a Halloween party. That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her. "Don't let me spoil a good time for you," she said. After further discussion, the husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife took some aspirin and went to bed.

After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself, "I wonder what my husband really does when I'm not around." She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldn't recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched.

There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them. She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they should go outside. Going to one of the cars, they made love. Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left and went home to wait for her husband to return so she could confront him.

He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed. She sat up and asked "Well, how was the party?" He replied, "It was no fun without you honey." She said, "I don't believe you. I bet you had lots of fun!" He replied, "Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night. But you know, that guy I loaned my costume to had one hell of a great time."

An American woman, a British woman, and an Italian woman were having lunch.
The American woman said "I told my husband that I wasn't going to clean the house anymore. If he wanted it clean, he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day I didn't see anything. Then, on the third day, voila! My husband had cleaned the whole house!"
The British woman agreed. "I told my husband that I wasn't going to do the laundry anymore. If he wanted it done he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day, I didn't see anything. Then, on the third day, voila! My husband had done both his and my laundry!"
The Italian woman chimed in "I told my husband that I wasn't going to cook anymore. If he wanted home cooking he would have to either go by his mother or cook for himself. After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day, I didn't see anything. Then, on the third day, I began to see a little out of my left eye".

A burglar enters a house armed with a torch and his 'swag' bag - he enters the sitting room. He scans the room with his torch then hears a voice saying 'Jesus is watching you' - he nearly drops his torch with fright and looks to see the source of the voice. He then sees the laptap and starts to dismantle the wires when he hears again 'Jesus is watching you' This time the beam of the torch alights upon a parrot in a cage. 'Did you say that?' the burglar hissed at the parrot. 'Yes' said the parrot 'my name is Moses. 'What sort of owner names his parrot Moses' says the burglar. The type of owners that name their Rottweiller Jesus' says the parrot.

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way buddy you're too drunk."
A few minutes later the drunk comes in through the bathrooms, again he slurs, "give me a drink", bartender says "No man I told you last time you're too drunk"
Five minutes later the guy comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"
The drunk scratches his head and says "Damn I must be... the last two places said the same thing."

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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

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A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.
He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

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Bob stood over his tee spot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what the hell is taking so long?" "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot." "Good lord!" his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

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For his entire working life, a dedicated and hardworking Astrophysicist tried in all earnest to find the existence of other being somewhere in the universe. After 58 years of constant effort, he finally receives a response from a planet 30 billion light years away.

“What is your planet like?” groaned the extraterrestrial from the other side of the Galaxy.

“It is 12,756 Kilometers in diameter, is 93,000,000 miles from the nearest star, our sun, has an average temperature of 72 degrees F. We breathe oxygen, live about 75 years, and have both men and women” answered the Physicist.

“Do the you get along with the women on your planet?” the extraterrestrial asked slowly.

Puzzled by the question, but not wanting to insult the female Physicists near by, he answered “Why yes. We get along quite well here.”

The extraterrestrial perked up “Can we send you ours?”

Love the Homebase joke!! - and my OH will appreciate the Brian Cox link.

That prof, Brian Cox, can even mix drinks

You have tapped into anther gold vein there, Greatnan Hilarious!

A Republican member of the US Congress was walking with her 10 year old daughter on the beach one Spring day, when an enormous freak wave came and washed the girl quite out of sight. Immediately the Congresswoman, who had been a regular churchgoer most of her life, dropped to her knees on the sand, began to cry and clasped her hands together...
"Lord! - I know I have not been a very good believer, I have failed to attend church and ignored many of the issues of poor people in America today, I do most earnestly apologise for that...but if you will just give me back my little girl I promise I will faithfully follow the way Jesus taught us and never stray from the proper Christian path again, just please, please... give me my daughter back..."
after a pause during which the sky seemed to darken and lighten again, and an almighty crash of thunder, a huge wave broke on the beach and the little girl was deposited, standing upright on the shore once again...
The Congresswoman looked up to the sky and said
"She was wearing a HAT!"

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It was time, during the Easter Sunday morning service at the Boston Cathedral, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron."

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A young couple wanted to join a church. The priest told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband obviously very depressed.

You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the Priest inquired.
We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly. The Reverend asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.

The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain." "However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.

When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know.." said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome in Homebase either..."

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A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move"

7 year old Anthony was staying with his Grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other neighbourhood children, when he came into the house and asked her,

“Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?”

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. “Well, dear, it's called sexual intercourse.”

“Oh,” little Anthony said, “OK,” and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, “Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse.

It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.”

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A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years.
One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.
Man: "Hi! I am so happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.
Man: "Thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of 12 year old malt whisky and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit): "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too...!"

Two men are getting more and more relaxed in the bar on the 86th floor of the Empire State Building. They have exhausted complaints about wives and work and the world has begun to look a little rosier.
One man turns to the other and says,
"Did you know that if you jump out of this window on the south side, there's an amazing wind current that blows you gently in to floor five down below?"
"Gedoutahere!", says the other, "No way can that be true".
The other man says, "Look, I'll prove it".
He casually walks over to the window, slides aside the glass and jumps. His horrified friend rushes to the window and sees him speed down, only to disappear just before he should have smashed into the pavement.
Two minutes later the lift doors open and in walks his totally unfazed pal saying, "Told you... fifth floor, window's always open".
"That's amazing, an amazing fluke", he says, at which point he sees his pal stride to the window and throw himself out again. Two minutes later he reappears from the lift doors saying, "No Fluke, guaranteed. Now its your turn".
Excited as well as nervous, the man walks to the window, takes a few gulps of air, then jumps...
Down past the floors he flies, faster and faster, until... splaaaat, he is a crumpled mess on the pavement.
At this point the barman looks up from polishing some glasses and says, "Jeeez, you're such an asshole when you're drunk, Superman".

That's the best Irish joke I've heard.

Greatnan I enjoyed the pizza delivery joke.

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the next two require you to read them with the appropriate accent:

Michael, a Donegal man, goes for a job on a building site, the foreman says all he has to do is answer two questions correctly and they will give him the job. He smiles confidently.
"The first question is, 'what is your name?",
he answers," errr, that would be Michael ...Michael Connor,"
"OK, the next question is, 'What's the difference between a joist and a girder?'..."
"Oh, that's easy," says Michael,
"Joyce wrote Ullyses, Goethe wrote Faust".

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In 1890 there were two Mexicans who had been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke, "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"

"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's a huge volley of gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.

"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

With his dying breath Pepe calls out...."Ugh,...

run, amigo, run!!

...Ees not a Bacon Tree!"

...

...

...

...

"Ees... a.... Ham bush"

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A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.
The teacher says to the first child 'hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?'
Becky replies ' I have been playing in the sand'
'Very good' says the teacher 'if you can spell "sand" on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit'
Becky duly goes and writes 'sand' on the blackboard. 'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?
'Freddie replies 'playing with Becky in the sand box'
'Very good' says the teacher. ' If you can spell "box" on the blackboard,I will also give you a biscuit'
Freddie duly goes and writes 'box' on the blackboard. 'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'
'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me.
Every time I went near them they started throwing stones at me and calling me nasty names'
'Oh dear' says the teacher. 'That sounds like blatant unadulterated racial discrimination to me' ..............

I tell you what, if you can spell "blatant unadulterated racial discrimination" I will give you a biscuit

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Little Johnny asks his dad for a telly in his room. He reluctantly agrees.
Next day Johnny comes downstairs and asks
'Dad what is love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Johnny all about sex.
Johnny sits there with mouth open in amazement.
Dad says 'so what were you watching?'
Johnny replies 'Tennis'.

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So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought...
that's Abboriginal.

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A university student delivers a pizza to an old man's house.
"I suppose you want a tip?" says the old man.
"That would be great," says the student, "but the other guy who does deliveries told me not to expect too much – he said if I got 50p, I'd be lucky."
The old man looks hurt. "Well, to prove him wrong, here's £5. What are you studying?"
"Applied psychology," replies the student

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Three macho mice are sitting at a bar discussing just how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says:
"I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says: "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and turns to walk away.
"Where the hell do you think you're going?" ask his friends.
The third mouse stops and replies: "It's time to be going home to shag that cat."

Thanks, Phoenix - there were lots there that I had never heard before!

BRILLIANT! Love the parking of the car in the driveway.

Oldies but goldies!

funny motor insurance claims

"I was driving along the motorway when the police pulled me over onto the hard shoulder. Unfortunately I was in the middle lane and there was another car in the way.."

"Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early.."

"I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof." (from an Australian claim form)

"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind."

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."

"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."

"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."

"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."

"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."

"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

"My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim.)

The English comedian Jasper Carrott has used funny insurance claims in his stand-up act for a long time, including some featured above. Here are three others, kindly suggested by Andrew Moignard.

"I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings."

"The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week."

"I knocked over a man; he admitted it was his fault for he had been knocked down before."

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A farmer's dog goes missing and he is inconsolable.
His wife says to him, "why don't you put an ad in the paper to get him back".
The farmer does this, but after two weeks, no phone calls, the dog is still missing.
"What did you write in the paper?" asked his wife.

"Here boy," said the farmer.

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A friend said to me: "I can never do the Welsh accent properly. Every time I try it it sounds like Pakistani''.
I said: ''You'll just have to try harder, Tariq''.

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Four letter word warning!

Some Religious Truths

TAOISM: Shit happens
ZEN BUDDHISM: What is the sound of shit happening?
PROTESTANTISM: Let shit happen to someone else
ATHEISTS: Shit happens for no apparent reason
HARE KRISHNA: Shit happens/ Shit happens/ Happens, happens/ Shit happens
CONFUCIANISM: Confucius says: "Shit happens"
HINDUISM: This shit happened before
CATHOLICISM: If shit happens you deserve it
AGNOSTICS: Facts happen
EVANGELISTS: Send me £8 million or shit will happen to you
BUDDHISM: If shit happens, it isn't really shit
ISLAM: If shit happens it is the will of Allah
JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to us?
CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS: Only good shit happens
JEHOVA'S WITTNESSES: Let us in and we will tell you why shit happens

A group of Americans were touring Scotland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. It's too rainy. The hotel accommodations are awful. The group arrived at Scone Palace the site of the famous Stone of Destiny. "Good luck will be following you all your days if you kiss the Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

Rita Rudner, American comedienne, shares some insights into the fair and unfair sex:

A Bear's Life

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate.You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs.
I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business.You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.
I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

...Hands up all those who wanna be a bear...

...........................................................................................
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain AND bought jewellery.
Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaners. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the ground floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie The Way We Were twice... voluntarily.
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office. The Doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple are asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse".
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them £50 and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple return and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50,and I get £43 back from BUPA!"

choking

greatnan