Just jokes

Well done Granny23

Reviving the Just Jokes thread as suggested on Greatnan's tributes page.

I had an origami business but it folded - too much paperwork.

I used to have a coffee company but it ground to a halt. Don't have a bean these days!

I had a bouncy castle company but it was a big let-down.

I had a business selling kettles but it ran out of steam

A man staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddies. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, he sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, he woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and his wife staring at him from across the room.

She said, “You were drunk again last night weren’t you?”

“Why you say such a mean thing?” he asked.

“Well,” she said, “it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly … it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Dear Mr. Cameron,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing England's economy.

Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan..
You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 22 million people over 50 in the work force.
Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire.
Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new British car.
22 million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed

4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week ....
And there's your money back in duty/tax etc

6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy b*stards to reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them down.

It can't get any easier than that !

Grumpies of the World Unite

Also………..

Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Another 'old chestnut' but shows that nothing changes!

Sounds quite good actually ....

What do you call a cat that swallows a duck?

A duck-filled fatty puss!

Mishap

Two ducks were on a pond. One said 'Quack Quack'. The other said 'That's funny, I was just about to say that!'

doublegroan

Cook it until it's Bill Withers!

I give in. (should maybe post groan in advance)

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Three men were sitting in a pub discussing the fastest thing in the world. The first man says the fastest thing in the world is thinking, thoughts just pop into your head, that's very fast, you don't know where they come from. The second man says, you're wrong mate, the fastest thing in the world is blinking. Your eyes blink and you don't see them that must be really fast. The third man says no, you're both wrong, the fastest thing in the world is electricity. You touch the switch and the light is on, that's very fast. A fourth man is sitting behind them, listening to the conversation, he says, sorry but you're all wrong, the fastest thing in the world is diarrhoea, last night before I think, blink or put the light on I'd shit myself.

Two men were walking in the desert, they had plenty of water but had run out of food and were very hungry. In the distance they see a bacon tree. They begin running towards the tree when a shot whistles past them. Quick, get down says one man to the other, that's not a bacon tree it's a ham bush.

A long-married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

And the two snakes, slithering through the woods. Says one, 'are we venomous , do you think?' Why says the other. Cos I just bit my lip

sunseeker!

A journalist sat on a bench in Hyde Park where an old lady was feeding the pigeons and they struck up a conversation. She told him she fed the birds there everyday, always arriving at 11am. He warmed to her and he found her again at the same time the following day. She told him a little of her life. He liked her even more.
The following week, he was passing by and went to see her but she wasn't there. He went there again the next day but there was no sign of her, nor the day after. He asked a park attendant if he knew of the old lady who fed the birds. "Oh yes," the attendant said. "She arrives at 11am and leaves at 11.45 to take the 58 bus."
The journalist went to the bus stop at 11.45. The 58 arrived and he asked the driver if he knew of an old lady who usually caught the bus at that time. "I'm a temporary driver on this route," the man replied. "The usual driver will be back in a couple of days."
Two days later, the journalist asked the same question to the bus driver. "Yes I know her," he said. "She gets off at Notting Hill. I can show you her stop if you like?"
The journalist alighted in Notting Hill. There was a newspaper stand on the street. He asked the paper seller if he knew the old lady. "Oh yes!" he said. "She lives three streets down on the left, in the first mansion block on the right. Don't know which flat she's in though."
The journalist found the mansion block and asked the concierge where he might find the old lady who fed the birds in Hyde Park. "You've missed her," the concierge replied. "She died last week. She kept two large jars in the kitchen, one containing sugar and the other arsenic and she mistook the one for the other. She used to take the arsenic everyday to the park to feed the pigeons."

I love Fridays, the end of a long work week, the beginning of a weekend of relaxation, TV and parties

almost makes me wish I had a job

Very clever!

Mishap

Amazing Anagrams

Dormitory == Dirty Room

Desperation == A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code == Here Come Dots

Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity == Is No Amity

Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness == Genuine Class

Semolina == Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one

Contradiction == Accord not in it

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms round his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

I love it!

Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew

Excellent I loved the one about him in the car pretending to be dead lol