Just jokes

G'night Greatnan , g'night when , g'night Ana , g'night John boy...............

Now, you silly young women, I hope you know that my sense of humour is fairly well developed (unlike some!) and this thread is for everybody to contribute and enjoy!
I see some really funny jokes on the various sites that I search but I don't always post them because I am aware that we have some members who are not quite as broadminded as I am! I try not to give offence.
I think that between us all we have now posted over 1200 jokes - keep them coming Phoenix, you must not let me down while I am away!
I will find another few tomorrow - my last day with Juragran and with an internet connection.
I have been busy arranging my snorkeling holiday at the beautiful Matamanoa resort on an island in Fiji. If you google it, you will see why I want to got!
Good night, my lovely ladies! xxx

Here's my contribution. Greatnan I think you'd better get back on here quick!

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ten dollars."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was
printed:

You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample, and deposited the $10. The computer made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins.

Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your
tennis elbow will never get better.

Don't be silly, phoenix - I'll be the first for the chop!

When Greatnan sees this, I am one dead Phoenix!

It made me laugh, thanks phoenix

Well, you bring these things on yourself, phoenix.....
I can see this is going to be a mission for you - let me know if I can help out!

Sorry, digressed, jokes only in future, we don't want to open this thread to willy nilly ramblings.

As you were, troops.

Yes Ana, it very much IS the law! As you asked so nicely I will try my best to come up with some one-liners, just for you.

I'm just going outside, I may be sometime. [noble, sort of brave and yet self sacrificing (?) type emoticon, possibly accompanied by a loud "hmph" sort of noise)

PS With just the merest hint of martrydom.

Is it the law that it has to stay on the Active page?
I must admit I very rarely look at this thread, not being much of a one for 'jokes' as such, although I do like one-liners.

Well, Greatnan , I did try but without you it just seems to drift off the "active" page!

Come back !

A very elderly man goes to a house of ill repute and tells the Madam that he would like a girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 92 years old" he says. "92!" replies the Madam "Don't you realise you've had it?"
"Oh I'm sorry" says the old man "how much do I owe you?"

A modern Islamic couple met with their Mullah to discuss their forthcoming wedding. The bridegroom to be said " I know it's traditional in Islam for the men to dance with men, and the women to dance with women, but we would like to be able to dance together at our wedding." The Mullah told them that this would not be possible as it is considered immoral.

The groom says "So even after the ceremony I cannot dance with my own wife! Well, will we finally allowed to make love?"

"of course!" says the Mullah "sex within marriage is allowed" The groom says "ok, what about different positions, say the woman on top?" "Yes" says the Mullah "that is allowed". "What about doggy style?" Again the Mullah says that is allowed. The groom says "ok, can we have sex on the kitchen table?" The Mullah nods. The groom then asks "right, what about with all my 4 wives together, on rubber sheets with warm oil, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porn video?"

"Yes indeed" says the Mullah " if that is what you would like" "Can we do it standing up?" asks the groom. The Mullah shakes his head.

"Why ever not?" asks the man.

The Mullah replies "because that could lead to dancing"

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing', so what are you going to do?"
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."
Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.
"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.
So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"
He thinks he has got the doctor, as the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."
Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor."You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

Two guys met in the middle of the desert. One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella. The one with the car door said to the guy with the umbrella, "Why are you carrying that umbrella around, it isn't going to rain in the desert?" To which the guy with the umbrella replies, "Yeah”, but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way, why are you carrying around that car door, you don’t even have a car to go with it” The guy with the car door says, "yeah, well at least if I get too hot from the sun I can just roll down the window!"

A little boy came home with his parents from church one Sunday. He seemed a little depressed, so his mother asked him if something happened in Sunday school class that he would like to talk about. He told his mother "Well, we were singing songs and the teacher made us sing about a poor bear named Gladly that needed glasses and I can't stop thinking about him. She said he was cross-eyed and I feel bad for him.
The mother couldn't understand why the teacher would teach such a song in Sunday school, so she decided to call her. To the woman’s amazement, the teacher said she only taught hymns that morning. Then the teacher began laughing out loud and said to the mother, “I know what Jeffrey’s' talking about! We learned the hymn 'Gladly The Cross I'd Bear'".

I will try to leave you another couple, soop, as I won't be on line at my sister's house from next Saturday.

Ongoing thanks, Greatnan...such a trooper.

Well, there might be somebody who hasn't heard this!

His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”
“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.
“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”
“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars.
With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.”

A mother carefully explained to her young daughter how children were created. She used the expression “carrying a child” instead of “pregnant,” but the girl seemed satisfied.
Sometime later, a terrible fire broke out in the neighbourhood, and the girl stood by watching. Here is how she described the scene to her parents: “There was this big fire, and a fireman ran into the house, and when he came out, he was pregnant.”

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“The main advantage of being famous is that when you bore people at dinner parties they think it is their fault.”
Henry Kissinger – 1973

“A good gulp of hot whisky at bedtime – it’s not very scientific but it helps.”
Alexander Fleming – Medicine, 1945

“When I was younger I made it a rule never to take a strong drink before lunch. Now my rule is never to do so before breakfast.”
Winston Churchill – Literature, 1953

“Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s just too much fraternising with the enemy.”
Henry Kissinger – 1973

It's Christmas Eve and mum is busily preparing the last minute decorations in the family room when little Sally say: "Mum, don't forget to put out the treat for Santa next to the fireplace." Distracted, the mum thanks Sally and goes to the kitchen for Santa's treat. Later, when putting her to bed Sally says. "Mum, why did you put a can of Slim-fast next to Santa's treat?" Distracted and anxious to get back downstairs to finish the decorations mum replies. "Daddy is on a diet."

Rude alert!

A woman went to a fancy dress party naked except for a pair of black gloves and a pair of black socks.

When she got there her friend asked what she had come as.

The woman replied, “The five of spades.”