Just jokes

Social Media explained, doughnut edition

twitter - I am eating a doughnut

facebook - I like doughnuts

foursquare - This is where I eat doughnuts

YouTube - Here's a video of me eating a doughnut

Instagram - Here's a vintage photo of my doughnut

Pinterest - Here's a pretty donut recipe

Ingur - Here's a viral picture of my doughnut

LinkedIn - My skills include doughnut eating

spottify - Now listening to doughnuts

Google - I'm a Google employee who eats doughnuts

Mumsnet - How can I make my stupid MIL understand that she should not undermine all my attempts to bring up my children properly by feeding them unhealthy greasy sugary doughnuts just minutes before a meal. She raised her own fat complacent slug of a son on rubbish and is trying to ruin the health of my children. I think she is getting senile.

Gransnet - I bought doughnuts yesterday for my grandchildren. My DIL is not speaking to me now as she says their teeth will rot and they will be too obese to fit into their Kath Kidston jeans and Harvey Nichols pashminas. She is a gold-digger who only married my darling only son for his credit card and wonderfully sweet nature. I don't think this marriage will last.

Well, dorset, I did once pride myself on my witty off-the-cuff one-liners but I am rubbish at actually telling jokes. These are all just cut and pasted from various sites - I am just saving my friends here the trouble of looking for them, as I have so much free time.
I am glad you like them - it encourages me to carry on.

Greatnan are you a stand-up comedian - your jokes cheered me up today, I'm feeling rotten and have to go to work but you've sent me off with a smile. Thanks

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The Lady Lawyer

A dad walks into a market with his young son, the kid is holding a pound coin.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.

Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replies, "Divorce Lawyer."

A couple was having a party at their house. An hour before the party the woman found out that she still needed escargots. So she sent her husband out to get it. He was walking to the supermarket and he figured he had lots of time. So he stopped at the bar on the way. An hour and a half later he looked at his watch and realized that the party had already started. He quickly ran to the market, bought the snails and ran home. He tried to sneak into the kitchen without his wife seeing him. But at that moment his wife came out. He quickly threw the snails on the floor and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there."

So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane...... The lady said to him ' Can you help me remove something from my breast please? ‘The excited young man replied, 'Wow! It will be my pleasure....... So what is it?' "Your Eyes, idiot!"

Anthea Turner doesn't live here!!

* I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat, too!

* Ring Bell for Maid Service. If no answer, do it yourself!

* You may touch the dust in this house, but please don't write in it!

* If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

* I would cook dinner, but I can't find the can opener!

* I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

* If you don't like my standards of cooking, lower your standards.

* A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

* Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.

* Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

* My house was clean last week; too bad you missed it.

Glass......

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained,
"It's the chemist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.

I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the chemist and
demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him,

"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm
failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast
and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house
with
both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when
I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tyre."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me
to open up.

I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the
time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and
the phone was still ringing..

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made
me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on
it.
Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got
back to answer it. It was your wife.
She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me sir, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

Answering the phone, the priest was surprised to hear the caller introduce herself as a tax inspector.
“But we do not pay taxes,” the priest said. “It isn’t you, Father, it’s one of your parishioner, Sean McCullough. He indicates on his tax return that he gave a donation of
£15,000 to the church last year. Is this, in fact, the truth?”
The priest smiled broadly. “The cheque hasn’t arrived yet, but I’m sure I’ll have it when I remind dear Sean.”

You're on a roll tonight Greatnan

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

A college's student body is composed of the sons and daughters of the very rich who could not meet the academic requirements of any other college. Lo and behold, the college basketball team wins every game and dominates their league. All this success is due to one amazing player - a cross between Larry Bird and Michael Jordan.
This kid is terrific. The player and the team become the center of nationwide media attention. The student body is thrilled. Now, the NCAA goes to the college and asks for proof of this player's academic eligibility. The college administration promises such documentation in a few days. The faculty works night and day coaching the student for the crucial test.
The day of the public examination arrives, and the entire student body is there to support their star player. A professor stands, and announces the first question, "How much is five and two?" The student frowns in deep concentration - he thinks, he sweats, he shakes with effort. At last he shouts the answer, "SEVEN". The entire student body rises, and as a single voice, they cry. "Give him another chance. Give him another chance".

Greatnan ...the difference between dogs and cats is spot on. Love it. So funny.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."

Obama went jogging one evening and came upon the Washington Monument.

He said, "George, what should I do?"
After a few seconds, George replied,
"Abolish the IRS and start over."

Obama thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging. Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped there. He said, "Tom, what should I do?"
After a few seconds, Tom replied,
"Abolish welfare and start over."

Obama continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial.He said, "Abe, what should I do?"
After a few seconds, Abe replied,
"Why don't you take the night off and go to the theatre?"

Does anyone know where Jeopardy is? Apparently there are hundreds of jobs there?
(Follow up to the places where Greatnan has or hasn't been!)

Greatnan - how right you are about cats! I have just about recovered after Daisy's routine check-up at the vet's. My arms are bruised from trying to get her into the pet carrier, and there are 3 dogs who innocently sniffed at the carrier whilst in the waiting room who will never assume again that 'it's just a wee white cat in that box'....!!

So true about cats and dogs, Greatnan!

The Top Ten Differences Between Cats & Dogs:
10. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you when they are good and ready.
9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life.
8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper.Cats might bring you a dead mouse.
6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take a three-hour nap.
5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all.
4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.
3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk and walk away.
2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats will yawn and close their eyes.
1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

(But I still adore cats! Greatnan)

Here's one for the grandchildren:

A man and his wife are sitting at the kitchen table, which is next to the window. The man's name is Rudolph, and since he is Russian, people call him "Rudolph the Red." Rudolph looked out the window and said to his wife, "Oh look honey, it's raining outside." She looks out as well and says, "No, I think that is snow." He looks at her and says, "Rudolph the red knows rain dear."

I love the 'in Cahoots' one - very funny AND thought provoking.
Thanks for keeping up the good work Greatnan

Thanks, Greatnan. You are a star.

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.

I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember,

you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.

I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Life is Short, Smile While You still have Teeth