Just jokes

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"

I think I have seen some of these before, but they're still worth repeating:

These were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? ( UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe...
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q: Which direction is North in Australia? ( USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France)
A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

A recent survey has shown that one in three people is as imperfect as the other two.

Love No.11!

Love number 15!

Descriptions of people you may know! No Gransnetters, of course.

Some useful descriptions of people you may come into contact with from day to day.
1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
3. A room temperature IQ.
4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
5. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
6. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
7. Bright as Alaska in December.
8. During evolution, his ancestors were in the control group.
9. Fell out of the family tree.
10. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
11. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
12. He's so dense, the light bends around him.
13. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
14. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
15. It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.
16. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
17. Takes him a hour-and-a-half to watch "60 Minutes".
18. One burger short of a happy meal.

Ha - I see what is going on wherever I am in the world! I think a good joke, and that was a good one, is worth repeating. Thank you, number! More from more members would be good!

Never mind, number, Greatnan is away so we can't report you to her this time.

Oh dear, I DO apologise, it must have passed me by, I hope I don`t get accused of plagiarism!

Erm, number 10th October 11.34

Fifty Shades of Grey

The Missus bought a paperback
Down Dymocks, Saturday,
I had a look in her bag,
It was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well, I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed,
An hour later she appeared,
The sight filled me with dread.

In her left hand she held a rope,
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well, fifty years or so ago,
I might have had a peek,
But Doris hasn`t weathered well,
She`s eighty four next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind
Could not have been much grimmer,
Then things went from bad to worse......
She tumbled off her Zimmer!

She struggled up upon her feet
A couple minutes later,
She put her teeth back in and
Said.....I must dominate her!

Now if you knew our Doris,
You`d see just why I spluttered,
I`d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I`d uttered.

She stood there nude and naked like,
Bent forward just a bit,
I thought "What the hell?"
Stepped forward,
And stood on her left t*t!

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out,
My God, what had I done?
She moaned and groaned, then shouted out
"Step on the other one!"

Well readers, I can tell no more
About what occurred that day,
Suffice to say, my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed...+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...-1
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings...+5
But return with beer ...-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something....+5
You pummel it with a six iron....+10
It's her father...-10
You leave the toilet seat up...-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty...0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party...0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy...-2
Named Tiffany...-4
Tiffany is a dancer...-6
Tiffany has implants...-8

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner...0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar...+1
Okay, it is a sports bar...-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team...-10

THOUGHTFULNESS
You forget her birthday completely...-20
You forget your anniversary...-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station...-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey...-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...-60

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go out with a pal ...-5
And the pal is happily married ...-4
Or frighteningly single ...-7
And he drives a Mustang...-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ...-15
You have a few beers...-9
And miss curfew by an hour...-12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call...-20
You get home at 3 am...-30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ...-40
And not wearing any pants...-50
Is that a tattoo??...-200

HER NIGHT OUT
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work...+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real late...+10
You wait up...+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...+20

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie...+2
You take her to a movie she likes...+4
You take her to a movie you hate...+6
You take her to a movie you like...-2
It's called DeathCop 3...-3
Which features cyborgs having sex...-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...-15

FLOWERS
You buy her flowers only when it's expected...0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it...+20
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself...+30
And she contracts Lyme disease...-25

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...-30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"....-800

FINANCES
You spend a lot of money on something impractical...+5
Something she can't use...+10
Such as a motorized model airplane...-20
And you buy her a clock radio for her birthday...-40

DRIVING
You let her tell you how to drive...+20
You let her mother tell you how to drive...+40
You lost the directions on a trip...-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost...-10
You end up getting lost because you followed her directions ...+10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ...-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal...-25
You know them...-60

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?"...-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding...-10
You reply, "Where?"...-35

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes....+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...-20

Mick was having no luck finding a girlfriend and decided to discuss it with his doctor. The doctor asked him about his hobbies. Mick told him that he liked to go swimming. "Ah", said the doctor, "I think that next time you go swimming, you should put a potato in your swimming trunks and parade round the pool. Try it and come back and see me again to report progress". Two weeks later Mick returned to his doctor. "Now Mick, how did you get on?" he asked. "Well doctor," he said "I took your advice". "Yes? and how did you get on?" asked the doctor. "Well, all the girls screamed and got out of the pool and ran into the changing rooms!" said Mick sadly. "do you know what, doctor, next time I think I'll try putting the potato in the FRONT of my trunks".

Two Scottish nuns go to America

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.

"Two dogs, please," said one.

The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously,
"What part did you get?"

One day, God was looking down at earth, and saw all the misbehaving (too much sex, illicit drugs, prescription drugs, alcohol and risqué emails) that was going on. So he called one of his angels to go to Earth.

When he returned, the angel told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving, and only 5% are not'.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I should send down another angel, to get a second opinion'!

So, God called another angel, & sent him to Earth too.

When the angel returned, he went to God & said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased. So he decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because, he wanted to encourage them, give them a little something, to help them keep going!

Do you know what the e-mail said?

No?

Okay, just checking with you.

I didn't get one either....

Watch what you say!

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six- year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife instructed.

Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner"!

ACTUAL PRODUCT INSTRUCTIONS:

ON A HAIRDRYER:
*Do not use while sleeping.

ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
*You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
*Directions: Use like regular soap.

FROZEN DINNER SERVING SUGGESTION:
*Defrost.

ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX:
*Fits one head.

ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT:
*Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
*Product will be hot after heating.

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
*Do not Iron clothes on body.

ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE:
*Do not drive car or operate machinery.

ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
*Warning: May cause drowsiness.

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
*Warning: Keep out of children.

ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
*For indoor or outdoor use only.

ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
*Not to be used for the other use.

ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
*Warning: contains nuts

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
*Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
*Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Did you know that there's a great new website for the incontinent? The address is www./ \ hasanyonegotamop

(say the signs)

Phoenix - loved it.

The Prime Minister was asked to open the new wing of a large hospital.

He duly cut the ribbon, unveiled the plaque and wen in to meet the staff and patients.

A man in pyjamas and a dressing gown approached him, shook his hand and said
"Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy of a grace
As lang's my arm.

The PM was a bit taken aback, but kept smiling and approached one of the beds. He was just about to ask the occupant what he was in for when the man jumped up and exclaimed

"Here's a bottle and an honest friend!
What wad ye wish for mair, man?
Wha kens, before his life may end,
What his share may be o' care, man?

Well, the PM was even more confused, and his smile began to look even more fixed then usual. He decided it might be better to cut short the visit, and was making his way to the door when he found his path blocked by another patient, who looked him in the eye and said
"Wee, sleekit, cowrin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi' bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an' chase thee
Wi' murd'ring pattle

The PM was now quite worried, so he turned to the Matron and said "Is this a new psychiatric wing?"

"On no" said the Matron "This is the serious burns unit"

(I'll get me coat..................)

Good, that is the kind of friend I like. Er....come to think of it, that is the only kind of friend I have!

I am not easily offended!

Warning - not for the easily offended!

Quiz Show

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.

Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game, but unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.

"I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow!"

"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.
"Where are you going?" Jane asked.
"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied.

Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?'
And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'"

Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.
"The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.

And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins.

The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience
of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good.
Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"