Just jokes

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very
faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on
the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in
the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, though, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they went home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed, hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "The girls' nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst: my wife came home with no panties!" "That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said, "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'"

A woman was relating the manner of her husband's death to an acquaintance. 'It was awful' she said. 'He went into the garden to cut a cauliflower for dinner from the vegetable patch and just dropped dead'. The acquaintance replied 'how dreadful, whatever did you do'. The woman replied 'what could I do, I had to open a tin of peas'. The old ones are the best.

Should I have put this on a gardening thread?

GARDENING WITH GRANDMA

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams.. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

Happy Gardening.

Apologies if anyone else has already posted these, I haven't read the entire thread yet.

She wanted to serve her guests mushroom - smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.

Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?

"No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."

"Well, I see squirrels eating them and they're OK."

So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, she watched the dog.

The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success.

After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."

Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can.

We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road.

The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was done the doctor came out and said,

"Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.

The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum..........

"I can't believe that guy!"

"What guy?"
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x

"You know, that one who ran over Spot; he never even slowed down."

Alex Salmond walks into a Royal Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Salmond : "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Alex Salmond, the leader of the Scottish National Party and First Minister of Scotland !!!!"

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Salmond : Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. Salmond , but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Salmond :"C'mon lassie . I am urging you, please, to cash this cheque."

Cashier: "Look Mr. Salmond, here is an example of what we can do.

One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to

be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.

Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque.

So, Mr. Salmond , what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?

Salmond stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea

what to do and I don't have a clue."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr. Salmon

(((hugs))) and jane, nothing else I can say - life can be a bitch sometimes.

It can. and the feeling of helplessness really gets to you.

PS hugs to you Jane - life can be so very sad sometimes.

Oh hilarious! You've brightened my otherwise stressy day so much!

Thank you, soop. I've 'lost' half a dozen very good friends over the past two years, all only in their 50s. This last one hit pretty hard, and my sister's devastation on top of that is dreadful. Still, this isn't the right place! So:

Next time you're in Asda, - keep up with the Joneses ....

Dear Mrs Jones,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Jones, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Home wares to go off at 5- minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's toilets.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Home wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Customer Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of crisps.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the toy department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Whole Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto parts department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the foetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. October 23: Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was. And last, but not least:

16. October 24: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

janerowena I would hug you, if I could.

Brilliant, thank you so much!

Young niece has nasty brain tumour that has blinded her, good friend has died, another friend having to put her beloved mother in a home today - this week is not good!

Three soldiers attended sick parade and sat in a row, waiting to be called to explain their ailments to the MO.

First one is called, stands to attention before MO at desk, and recounts his symptoms. A little too much of the company of the ladies of the town, and he has a little problem. MO prescribes -"Five minutes with the wire brush each morning for a week, and excused potato peeling" and as he has a Troops Welfare form to fill in, asks soldier what is his greatest ambition. "To get better fast and return to doing my duty. Sah!"

Next patient is called. He has terrible trouble with his piles. Prescription - "Five minutes each morning with the wire brush, and excused route marches" His greatest ambition? "To get better fast and return to doing my duty. Sah!"

Third patient has a temperature and a sore throat. Prescription - "Five minutes each morning with the wire brush, and excused sentry duty " His greatest ambition "To be first with the wire brush. Sah!"

Just pinging - I need a laugh this morning.

janerowena we've all been there

Granny23 you made an old soldier (& his wife) happy thanks

The difference between Officers and SNCOs

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.

Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army.

Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.

The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?'

The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.'

The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question,

'Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly,

'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General threw him out also.

The third interview was with an old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined.

The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his surprise the Sergeant Major said,

'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'

The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do you know I wear contacts?'

'Well, sir,' the soldier replied, 'it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f*****g ears.'

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 30 days and has expired - you
must register a new one."

roses

"Sorry, too few characters."

pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."

1prettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."

1f**kingprettyrose"

Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."

1f**kINGprettyrose

"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."

1f**kingPrettyRose

"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."
1f**kingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightf**kingNow.

"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."

1f**kingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightf**kingNow

"Sorry, that password is already in use."

'Mary and the Magic Baby'

And finally, this from Stephen Fry:

"It's very common nowadays to hear people say 'I'm rather offended by that'. As if that gives them certain rights. Actually, it's nothing more than - it's simply a whine. It's no more than that. "I find that offensive" has no meaning, it has no purpose, it has no reason to be respected as a phrase.

Don't worry I worked it out!

Oh no! I duffed the one joke's punch line! (Just like I do in real life!)

That should be "I can't let you in without a Thai.

Pun jokes:

I had every record Dusty Springfield ever released, I sold them all, now I just don't know what to do with my shelf.

My brother went to Cuba so I asked him to get me a gift. He knows I smoke, but bought me a Che Guevara T-shirt. Clothes, but no cigar.

Jokes about political correctness:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Australian, a New Zealander, an Indonesian, an American, a German, a Peruvian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Tibetan, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, a Kazahk, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Dane, a Ugandan, a Nigerian, a Frenchman, a Colombian, an Argentinian and a South African walk in to a night club. "I'm sorry", says the bouncer, "I can't let you in with a Thai".

Teacher to class: This year's holiday play is about "Mary and the Magic Baby".