Just jokes

jane that's funny.

What does the Queen call the Christmas broadcast?

The One Show.

A blonde city girl, marries a sheep farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the sheep, the farmer says to his wife, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our ewes today. I drove a nail into the rail above the ewe's stall in
the barn. You show him where the ewe is when he gets here, OK?'
So then he went off to do some fencing.

After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

The farmer's wife takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of sheep and when she sees the nail, she tells him 'This is the
one...right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the ewe to be inseminated?'

'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', she explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'

She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder ......









'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives
that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" And poof she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and poof she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini" St. Peter looks perplexed.
"Who?" he asks. "Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.

St.Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says...

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

You could put it back?

Today's Horoscope

You are gullible and believe everything you read.

Just googled it - it's an old joke, Grannyknot...

Oh! Mind you, if it had already gone viral, I don't suppose it would have made any difference it being on here!

Ana so did I but then I panicked and asked GN to delete it, because I realised it is a true story that has gone viral (it was sent to me by email) and I felt uncomfortable to have it on a public forum .

I love that, Grannyknot!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I had a quick whizz through and couldn't see this one on here - so, Greatnan, I hope you would have liked it.

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when
one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands up in
the front of the plane.

'I'm too young to die,' she wails.

Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on
earth to be memorable!

Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.

They all stare, eyes riveted, at this desperate woman in the
front of the plane.

Then a Jackeroo from Australia stands up in the rear of the plane.

He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt,
one button at a time.

No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps.

He whispers . .

Here, iron this. Then get me a beer'.

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks, "What does that mean ?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."

She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K ?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding !!"

The swelling in his eye is going down - and the Doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

I was visiting a religious order which was vowed to silence, and invited to partake of their evening meal with them. The Abbot told me that, after the meal they liked to hear jokes, but because of their vow of silence each joke had a number which he would call out instead of actually telling the joke, and as I was a visitor would I like to think of a number and call it out. So,I called out 'number 43', at which point everyone burst out laughing for minutes on end, on and on it went, and when I asked why the Abbot said "it's because they haven't heard that one before"

Ooops!! Get yours sold now, soop. You could rake in a fortune!

when Now that really does make me chuckle out loud.

The Vicar's Housekeeper

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The vicar's young housekeeper was thrilled to bits,when told the Bishop was coming to tea.She had never met a bishop before and so practiced what to do and say, every day for weeks.The big day finally arrived and when the vicar rang for tea she went in,placed the tea tray before the bishop,took the sugar bowl and asked him:
"Two lords,my lump??

Just bought a birthday card that had me in stitches.

Cartoon of a man walking along talking into his mobile phone and saying:"Hold on a sec, I think I've just taken another photo of my ear."

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any recent interest in his paintings which happened to be on display. "I have good news and bad news" the gallery owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death." "What did you say?" questioned the artist. "When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The gentleman was your doctor."

ADULT:

A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:

A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:

The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:

Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:

Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:

Cold Storage.

INFLATION:

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:

An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:

A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:

Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:

A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:

The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:

One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN:

An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:

Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn

*
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
*
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
*
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I SAID I'm a billionaire!!.
~ Howard Hughes
*
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
*
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
*
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
*
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
*
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
*
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
*
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
*
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
*
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
*
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
*
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
*
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
*
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden
*
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz
*
If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
*
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Arthur C Clarke
*
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
*
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
*
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
*
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
*
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport
~ Jonathan Winters
*
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley

_____________

Luv it sunseeker

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol . . . Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead .
Third worm in chocolate syrup. . . Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil . . .Alive
So the Minister asked the congregation,
"What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,
You won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service!

QUICKIE

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"

The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.

Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."