Just jokes

From Ken Dodd: Hello handsome, can you tell me the way to the opticians?

Inner Peace
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones
are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,


Then You Are Probably
The Family Dog!

I met a man who asked me 'Would you like to see a blue film?'
When I said 'yes', he poured paraffin all over my glasses...

This is not really a joke , just something I found amusing which I thought I would share.

10 Tell tale signs it is Bank Holiday.
1] The shops are busier than ever - except the bank and the post office which are the ones you really need [they are shut]
2]Unfamiliar facers read the television news. {The usual ones have taken the day off - probably to go shopping.
3]Make a point of looking at the traffic. Most cars left the City the Friday night, but you are sure to see one family gathered at the side of the road for the traditional Bank Holiday pastime of Watching the AA man trying to fix the car . You will also notice that the streets are full of buses on rail replacement services . Many of them are lost.
4]All the local children have painted faces with cats whiskers . This because there is a fair {or Fayre} in the area. A larger than usual number of escaped balloons overhead in the sky is another clue that it is a Bank Holiday.
5] There is news of a jack-knifed lorry on a Motorway somewhere.

6] The outbreak of hedge-trimming reaches epic proportions.
7]Call Centres answer after 248 rings instead of the usual 232, while at British Gas , it is a particulary time.
8] Outside petrol stations, the piles of sacks of Barbeque fuel are 4ft higher than normal.
9]You notice people are panic buying milk
10]In the brief moment of silence between the chimes of the ice-cream vans, listen carefully and you may just hear the distant tinkle of a Morris dancer.

Made ME

When I was breaking up from work to get married in the 60s, someone wrote on my good luck card 'it starts when you sink into his arms and ends with
your arms in the sink'.

You have just reminded me it's my wedding anniversary today! I had completely forgotten, and I'm sure OH will have. Ah well, it was a long time ago, no big deal...... (Sorry, OT, will go away and do something else)......

I remember my wedding day as though it were yesterday... I wish it was tomorrow - I'd cancel it!

I should have been warned - when she came down the aisle the organist didn't play the Wedding March - no, he played 'Here We Are Again'... not to mention the fact that she had a drip-dry wedding dress...

But oh, how I loved her - that cute nose,the way it turned up at the end - then down... and then sideways... Mind you she had a strange figure for a woman - or a man... or a horse...

Marriage is like a game of cards ......

In the beginning, all you need are two hearts and a diamond ........

....... by the end you wish you had a club and a spade!

Which makes more sense really!

Janerowena Nuns must be better off than when I was young - in the version I heard then they were on bicycles.

Two nuns in a taxi, going through Glasgow.

1st nun: I've never come this way before.

2nd nun: Must be the cobbled streets, dear.

My mate called me last night.

He said, "My dog had nine puppies 12 weeks ago and now apparently they are worth £600 each."

"Bloody hell, mate," I said. "Drinks are on you then!"

He said, "I'm not selling them."

"Why not?" I asked.

"Well," he said, "if they're worth £600 each now, can you imagine what they'll be worth in 10 years?"

I stopped posting jokes because it was getting harder to find any that would offend nobody - some were sexist (mainly blonde jokes), some were racist, etc.
Thank you for the last bunch - I found them very funny. I will start looking at various sites again and see if I can find some that won't get me shot down in flames!

I love that nanaej!

Sort of a joke..made me smile...

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view) - By Pam Ayres

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey

Girl to friend, recently back on the dating scene "The trouble is these days guys expect you to perform fellatio on the second date"

Friend "But I don't know any opera!"

Q.......I'm 2 months pregnant.When will baby move?

A.......When it leaves college and finds a flat of it's own

Mother is giving her 3 year old son a bath when he points to his 'dangly bits' and asks 'are these my brains?' Mother replies 'not yet'

Little Johnny went to his kindergarten teacher and said,"Miss I have found a dead frog outside.
Teacher said,"how do you know it is dead?"
He said,"I pissed in it's ear Miss"
"You did what?"said teacher.
"You know,I went to it's ear and said !PSST! and it didn't move,so it must be dead."

I still find them hilarious, Carol, so it doesn't matter if we have had them before!
In fact, I am thinking of recycling my first 1,000 jokes because I am sure most of us will have forgotten them!

Not sure if this has been posted before. It's just shown up on Facebook and made me laugh.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

Which one is your favorite?

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
___________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

one night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern.

"Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter,

"If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

Effective!

There were these three girls who were getting married and they all met at the
marriage counsellor’s office to discuss the options of having or not
having a baby right away.
They were two city girls and one farm girl. The counsellor asked them if
they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile.

They all said that they had discussed this with their potential
husbands and had all agreed to wait awhile. Well, the counsellor asked the
first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer
was, “The rhythm method”. “That will work,” said the counsellor, “but only if
you keep a good record.”

He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. “I plan on
using birth control pills” she said. Again he said, “Yes that will

work as long as you don 't forget to take them”.

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her
answer was, “The bucket and saucer method.” After a short delay, he
told her that should also work. He asked them all to come back in one
year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant.
Only the farm girl was still slim and trim. Well, the counsellor asked the
first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, “I
used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well
here I am, going to have a baby.”'

He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, “The birth control pill . But we were camping one weekend and I didn't
have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.”

He turns to the farm girl. “I vaguely remember you were going to use
the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don 't have a clue
what the bucket and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see
it has worked well for you.”

She replied, “Well, we always make love standing up, and since I am quite a
bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down.
Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as
big as saucers ....

I kick the bucket out from under him”.

That's amazing Granny23, dogs are great fun! I've copied it too!