Just jokes

On iPad, in Safari, highlight the link in the bar at the top, and you'll get a choice to select all, then copy. In the body of your email, press your finger on the space where you want to put the link, then touch paste, and it will appear.

Am now stuck with 'Inside, Outside, USA' running through my head constantly. Hope no one else gets similarly afflicted.

If you don't use a mouse I dunno. Do whatever your device tells you to copy and paste.

Highlight the link, Galen Then, if you use a mouse, right click on it over the link and select copy. Then start an email, put the cursor over the message bit, and right click and paste.

Marvellous! How do I copy to sil?

I enjoyed that too, g23! Thank you

Enjoyed that Granny23, especially the skateboarding. Impressive.

Ha ha! Loved it!

Not really a joke, but I didn't know where else to post it

www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=cqxTUxzOceE&feature=youtube_gdata_plaJ

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over. The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing.

Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot. They glared at each other but said nothing.

Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'.

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'



'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck'.

I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.

I spilt some stain remover on my sleeve. How do you get that out?

My father only hit me once - but he used a Volvo.

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

The Royal Shakespeare Company once did 'Julius Caesar' in New York. When Caesar was stabbed onstage, half the audience left because they didn't want to get involved.

When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

bags

Gary Slapper (@garyslapper) tweeted at 3:22pm - 25 Jun 13:

JUROR: O god, I need to go,my wife's about to conceive.
COUNSEL: I think he means deliver, m'lud.
JUDGE:Well, either way, he should be there

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.

The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven.

Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased.

We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms.

Running, running, running; we're tired of running.

Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

Week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here.

Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

A young Italian girl was going on a date.
Her Nonna said:
'Sita here ana letame tella you about this-a younga boy. He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat,
but don't let him do dat. He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likeadat too, but don'ta let him do dat eeda. But mosta important,
he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna really likea dat, but don'ta let him do dat for sure. Doing thata willa disgraza our family.'

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.
The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted.

'And Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace our family as you said. When he tried to lay on top of me, I just rolled him over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!'

I was in Leclerc today and when the time came to pay at the check-out, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note so I could complain to Monsieur le Maire about this running amok security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.
After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.
Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors. I hate this getting older stuff

Old Bubba was fishing along the Bayou for catfish one day when he spots a water moccasin slithering across the water with a toad in its mouth. Being a longtime fisherman, he knows the best bait for large catfish are toads. In a flash, Bubba grabs the snake from behind and carefully removes the toad from its mouth and puts the toad in his side bag. Fearing the angry snake would bite him; Bubba grabs his bottle of daddy's moonshine from his pocket and carefully pours 2 drops into the snake's mouth. The snake's eyes glaze over and quickly go limp. Bubba carefully places the snake back in the water.

A few hours later, Bubba is just about to head back home, when he feels something tapping on his leg. He looks down and is amazed to see the same water moccasin with 2 frogs in its mouth.

Descartes takes his date, Jeanne, to a posh restaurant for her birthday.

The sommelier hands them the wine list, and Jeanne asks to order the most expensive bottle on the list.

"I think not!" exclaims an indignant Descartes, and POOF he disappears.

in the Australian Army...
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad:-

(For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a smalltown, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes yagotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.


Your loving daughter,

Charlene.

still,I like to think you might of said it!

Sorry, Envious, but I can't claim the credit. I don't have a dog - I just cut and paste jokes from various expat forums!

Greatnan,There should be more people like you but I'm afraid your one of a kind My sister would feed my poor brother dog biscuits.Luckily it was before I was around!