Just jokes

Welcome to the thread , Hilda, I like that one, so please keep them coming.
I have to stress that this thread is for everybody to join in - I just seem to have more time to spare so I found a few sites where I could pinch jokes. I just copy and paste.
After over 1500 jokes, I am sure I am repeating some jokes myself, but nobody minds!

Not having read through this whole forum I don't know if I'm repeating a joke but this is one we heard t'otherday!

Talking about her elderly father, lady says 'We call him Spiderman ......but not because he has superhero powers.....its because he has dificulty getting out of the bath'

We both roared at this - because we have bitter sweet memories of caring for FIL who got to this state and worse and my husband had to shower him etc etc. It was not a good time and a little black humour helps us to cope with the memories.

Is that me, Soop? I Luv you too

Love number 23

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 'WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?' SHE SAID 'IF I TOLD YOU, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.'

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF PERSON SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HAND WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

19. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

20. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

21. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

22. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

23. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

24. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

25. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED 'HEMORRHOIDS' INSTEAD OF 'ASSTEROIDS'?

26. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

27. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

28. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

During the initial space flights, Nasa discovered that biro pens didn’t work under zero gravity conditions. To beat the problem, Nasa spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space. The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man. The Russians used a pencil.

I think we have had this one before, but it still makes me laught. GN.

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

A woman was sitting for a portrait. She said to the artist 'Paint me wearing a diamond tiara, a diamond necklace, ruby bracelets, big diamond ring and a gold Rolex watch.'
'But you aren't wearing any jewellery' said the artist.
'I know, but if I die first that swine will remarry quickly and I want his new wife to go mad searching for my jewels.'

An executive was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech.

When the executive returned from the big event, he was furious.

"Why did you write me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."

The employee was baffled.

"I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside. "That laundry is not very clean; she doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better detergent." Her husband looks on, remaining silent. Every time her neighbor hangs her wash to dry, the young woman makes the same comments. A month later, the woman is surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and says to her husband: "Look, she's finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this? " The husband replies, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows." And so it is with life... What we see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which we look

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Subject: FW: The Vatican - New Management


Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the newly appointed Pope Francis
at the Vatican.

After receiving the newest Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers

'Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate €100
million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us
this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'

The Pope responds, 'That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord.
It must not be changed.'

'Well,' said the Nescafe man, 'we anticipated your reluctance. For this
reason we will increase
our offer to €300 million.'

'My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it
must not be changed.'

The Nescafe guy says, 'Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence
to the faith, but we do have one final offer…. We will donate
€500 million - that's half a billion euros - to the great Catholic Church if
you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day
our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider
it.'
And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. 'There is some good
news,' he announces, 'and some bad news. The good news is that the
Church will come into €500 million.'

'And the bad news your Holiness?' asks a Cardinal.


'We're losing the Hovis sponsorship account.'

We will be O.K. in Nelson , absent - well, at least now I know what a 'flat white' is! I was thrown when the chimney sweep came and told me the ash was 'drossy' but I suppose I could have linked it to 'dross'. Still, they almost speak our language!

Greatnan I have never worked out what "chicken spit with bowels" was intended to be and was never brave enough to order it.

I have always found it easier to order a meal in French even when the waiter is keen to use his English - in The Beach Plaza in Monte Carlo there was a strange item on the so-called English menu - 'Chicken with fongs'. I worked out that they meant mushrooms, from 'fungi'.

Greatnan This reminds me not of a joke but a true story. On our one and only cruise (to celebrate our Ruby Wedding) DH, (wishing to push the boat out) in his best posh Scottish accent ordered two glasses of Asti with dinner to celebrate the occasion. The Italian speaking, Philipino waiter was puzzled and he and DH repeated the word back and forwards until light dawned on the waiter's face and off he went to return, beaming, with two glasses of Iced Tea. Cue us, the adjoining tables and the suddenly appearing Head Waiter in fits of giggles. Poor waiter never lived it down and his boss, diplomatically explaining to us that no self respecting Italian Cruise line would serve Asti, presented us with a bottle of Prosecco on the house. On the final night of the cruise, we were presented with two glasses of Iced Tea and a bottle of Asti Supmante with a huge wink.

A real southern gentleman went to Las Vegas. Sitting in a dark cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress over and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a good lookin' gal. Can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Wow, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.

Then she looked around the room, smiled and said, "Sure, why not? You're an attractive guy too, and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don`t we just slip away up to your room?"

When they returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress smiled at him and asked, "Will there be anything else?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me. It was real sweet and right neighbourly of y'all. But, where ah come from in Alabama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need a piece of ass for mah drink."

A bit American in places! But I like No. 2. GN.

Things that make me cringe!:

1. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no genitals.

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manu

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Bog off! What good is a damn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake Instead?

4. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid £15 to come to the theatre and stare at the ceiling up there! What did you come here for?

7. BIG hair

8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice,... did ya there buddy?

9. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

10. When a policeman pulls you over and then asks if you know why he pulled you over. You should know asshole, you bloody pulled me over!

From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad."

Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?”

“Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh?

“I did!” sobbed Johnny.

A man lying on his deathbed called to him, his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor. "I am going to die tonight," and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you can take it all with you. So to my three most trusted friends, you three of course, I am leaving 50,000 dollars in these envelopes. When I die you must come to my funeral and put the envelopes in my coffin with me." The man handed the three men identical envelopes.

A day later they each received news that, that night the old man had died . So each knew they must go to his funeral and fulfill his death wish.

Standing over the coffin one week later the pastor confessed, " I can't hide what I've done. I took 10,000 dollars from the envelope because the church needed to be painted."

Then as he did so the doctor also started to fidget then finally confessed “I took 30,000 dollars from my envelope because the hospital needed a new wing."

Ten the lawyer said plainly “You bunch of crooks! I wrote him a check for the full amount!

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the

hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death

experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you

have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live." Upon

recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift,

liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she

figured she might as well look even nicer. After her last operation, she

was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way

home, an ambulance killed her. Arriving in front of God, she demanded,

"I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of

the path of that ambulance?" God replied, "Girl, I didn't recognize you”

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him.

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Winston Churchill loved them.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure...
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.