Just jokes

I should have explained that this thread consists of GreatNan's jokes from 12 years ago. Well worth a read and a laugh.

This one has not reached the 1000 limit so should be OK

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

“So, you’re a politician…”

“Well, yes, is that a problem?”



“Oh no, no problem. But we’ve recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you’re free to choose where you want to spend eternity!”

“Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell?!” says the politician. “Those are the rules,” replies St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears. He awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he’s in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds… Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can’t be right?

“Open your eyes!” says a voice. “C’mon, wakey wakey, we’ve only got 24 hours!” Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he’s in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite… And there’s a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. “Who are you??” The politician asks.

“Well, I’m Satan!” says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. “Welcome to Hell!”

“Wait, this is Hell? But… Where’s all the pain and suffering?” he asks.

Satan throws him a wink. “Oh, we’ve been a bit misrepresented over the years, it’s a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there’s extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It’s a beautiful day, and if you’d care to look outside…”

Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course.

“It’s one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there’s another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!” says Satan, answering his unasked question.

So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cheerily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he’s admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he’s admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him.

Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked. As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging bread sticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear… And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After hours of passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep… and is woken up by St Peter.

“So, that was Hell. Wasn’t what you were expecting, I bet?” “No sir!” says the man. “So then,” says St Peter. “You can make your choice. It’s Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on.”

“Well… I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I’d prefer Hell,” says the politician. “Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!” says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.

The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. “What’s this??” He cries. “Where’s the hotel?? Where’s my wife??? Where’s the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???”

“Ah”, says Satan. “You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted.”

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Very good jane.

Ana he lost out on future custom, but was no longer in debt, so I suppose he at least starts out again with a clean slate.

I love it JaneR made me laugh too.

But the hotel proprietor actually lost out...

How the Greek Bail Out works

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village . The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit. The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the Greek bailout package works.

( I wish it were that simple! But it made me laugh)

Love this one.

A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab steals three pastries and puts
them in his pocket. He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner
didn't see anything."

The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typically dishonest of you Arabs. I am
going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will
show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.
The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him
another one. Then the Jew asks for a third pastry and eats that too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks,
"What did you do with the pastry?"

The Jew replies, "Look in the Arab's pocket"

A French policeman stops the Englishman's car and asks the man if he has been drinking.

With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day,
that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches thereafter.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to give the Englishman

the breathalyser and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed.

He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers with a bit of humour,
"No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car
and that my wife is driving . . . . . on the other side?"

The old ones are the best they so so here goes.

When she was a girl in Scotland, Mary was told by her Grandfather to always put a pinch of gunpowder on her porridge.

Mary died last week aged 101 leaving 7 children ,21 grandchildren, 5 great grandchildren and an 80ft crater where the crematorium had stood.

The pilot and the Priest

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?'

The guy replies, 'I'm Bruce, retired airline pilot from Toronto.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?

'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'

A recent article in the Langley Times reported that a woman has sued the

Langley Memorial Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied: "Mr. Johnson was admitted for retina surgery.

All we did was correct his eyesight."

A vagabond travelling in the English countryside came across an inn with a sign outside saying George and the Dragon. He knocked on the door and the innkeeper's wife stuck her head out of the window.
"Could you spare some food?" the vagabond asked.
The woman looked at his shabby clothes and poor condition and replied rather sternly, "No!"I
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she snapped.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!" she shouted.
The vagabond tried again, "May I please...?"
"What now?" the woman interrupted impatiently.
"Do you suppose I could have a word with George?"

One afternoon a lawyer was travelling in his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He told his driver to pull over and got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one of them.
"We don't have any money for food," the man replied.
"Well then, you can come to my house and I'll feed you," said the lawyer.
"But Sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They're over there under the tree."
"Bring them along," said the lawyer.
Turning to the other man he said, "You come with us as well."
The second man said in a sad voice,"But Sir, I also have a wife and six children with me."
"Bring them all along," said the lawyer.
The all squeezed into the limo and the men said, "Sir you are too kind! Thank you for taking us all with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to help out. You'll really love my place: the grass is almost a foot high!"

Apologies if this has already been posted on here.

Thank you!

If you want a really good laugh I recommend following Fifty Shades of Gran on Twitter (@50ShadesGran) Hilarious! I have also discovered that five titles by Heath Robinson have been reissued as ebooks - see www.wordstothewise.co.uk These books are still funny and the Heath Robinson cartoons are wonderful. Perfect for a chilly January afternoon.

A blonde couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.

The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk.

We just want to be able to understand him.''

Brilliant janerowena

I swear mine does!

A married couple were on holiday in Haiti . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Haitian accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.

The Haitian said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Haitian replied, 'Just try dem on, Monsieur.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Haitian, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Haitian's thighs.

The Haitian began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!

I know mirrors don't lie ................. I'm just grateful they don't laugh