After 5 months, my brother not contacted our mum.

thank you Ana, what happened then do we know..

I think it might be a good idea to keep them apart until your Mum understands she can have opinions but not voice them. Maybe you need to suggest that if she says anything she could lose her son permanently?

Why did she need to say she couldn't help with money? Presumably there is a history there? My own brother kept 'borrowing' from our Mother and never paid her back so I may be projecting my own experience here.

Yes, I always thought she should have kept her mouth sealed, but it is too late now. Anyway, my mother is lovely in a lot of ways but tact is not one of them. She has always said that my brother's wife does not like her (I think there was a bit of getting her own back on my mum's part) but I think this has backfired on her. God knows the reception she will get from brother's wife. I'm going to try to talk her out of it and glad that others think it's a good idea to do so. Thanks.

cheelu, things have moved on a bit from Bermier's original post - her latest update was today (18.03)

Bermeir, it is possible that he never got the letter--or maybe he felt that your Mum did not help him in his hour of need, either way someone needs to find out why he has not spoken to her so that it can be put right...

Agree with phoenix about the idea of a letter, too!

Oh dear, your Mum doesn't learn any tact, does she? At least the DIL spoke to her, even if she was a bit distant - must be a good sign, surely? Perhaps it would be better to hold off on the visit for the time being and just be happy with occasional phone calls. Could you try to impress upon your Mum the need for diplomacy, perhaps?

This is the problem with getting involved, I know of a few people who, when it looked as if a couple were splitting up, would voice their opinion on the shortcomings of one partner to the other, only to feel very uncomfortable (and sometimes ostracised) when the couple in question stayed together!

That said, you mother can hardly turn the clock back and "un say" things.

I agree, a visit would probably NOT be a good idea at present, but perhaps a short letter saying that she is glad that they have sorted things out, hopes that they are both now much happier and that they can use what they learnt during the bad patch to help to make the relationship go from strength to strength.

Or something along those lines?

Need a bit of advice-sorry this is turning into a saga!- anyway, mum bit the bullet and sent him a Christmas card along with a few words. I asked her what she said and one of the things was 'I suspect (wife's name) has gone by now'. She also said that she would be near his home to visit a friend in the New Year. I felt my heart sink at this and, lo and behold, brother rings mum and he and his wife ARE still together. Mum spoke to brother's wife and apparently she was a bit 'cold'. I think mum shouldn't visit them this time around. What do you think?

Here's the original thread started by Bermeir

www.gransnet.com/forums/am_i_being_unreasonable/1192774-AIBU-to-think-that-my-mum-was-not-being-wise-in-giving-advice-to-my-brother-and-his-wife-regarding-their-marriage

Why did he ring your mum? Was it just to tell her, or did he seem to want advice. Or do you think he was just hoping for a loan?

I think we need a bit more info.

dont get involved,,,,is the best way just be there for your brother if he needs to talk,,,also your mum just listen your likely to be in the wrong if you do and damned if you dont if you know what i mean......been there got the t shirt

Ah, just read your answer Bermeir. Your Mum will have to just be patient and bide her time.
My first husband's mother 'advised' him when he told her he was frightened of the added responsibility of the baby I was expecting and that he felt like running away. She told him to do so.
Within a few weeks of the birth of my baby he quickly found he bitterly regretted what he had done but the damage was done. He lost a wife and a baby. She lost a DIL and a grandchild. She also lost her son because he was so ashamed he moved right away from the area and rarely visited.

Bermeir,
He is probably hurting like hell from the breakdown of his marriage and the last thing he needed was his Mum telling him what to do. Grown-up children should be able to sort their marriages out (how ever long it takes) whilst we offer love and support and try to keep our mouths shut. I once suggested to my darling daughter that she was making a huge error walking away from her fiance a few weeks before their wedding. She and I are very close but she knew she could not go through with it and my 'advise' was not helpfull. I thought it was just nerves but she was not telling me everything, I'm not sure she even could have - she just felt it would be a mistake. Because she felt I was judging her and not emotionally supporting her she withdrew for a few weeks. Her visits stopped and contact was reduced to the odd text ....'I'm OK Mum' was about the most I got. Thankfully we got through it and its now history.
All I am really saying is that when children have dire relationship problems they can realy only deal with one at a time. Let him get a handle on his marriage/divorce without the worry of his relationship with his Mother. She was wrong to tell him how to respond - he just needed her to listen and to love him. Once he is not hurting so much I am sure there will be an improvement. As Christmas gets nearer you could always tactfully suggest he sends a card just to let her know all is well and that once he feels his life is a little more in his control he will be able to resume the relationship.

Bermeir It seems likely that there is quite a degree of resentment of your mother's advice – probably on the part of both your brother and sister-in-law if they are still together. It is unfortunate that she not only recommended splitting up to her son but also to her daughter-in-law. I would guess that she will need to eat a sizeable helping of humble pie to re-establish normal contact.

He and his wife are still together.

Bags is right maybe he is grieving the loss of his marriage no matter whose 'fault' it is, one still feels grief over it. Maybe your Mother should not have advised him to leave his wife but left that up to him. Just said that she was there for him if he needed to talk etc.You say your mother stated that couldn't lend him any money - had that been part of his talk to her? As for her talking to his wife that they should part - I'm sorry but she had no right to do that, it is their business not hers.Perhaps he took her advice and now regrets it and blames her.
Time is a great healer, as long as she keeps in contact with him either through letters/phone calls/through you then he will come back eventually. Couldn't you offer to mediate as you are in contact. Did he and wife part company you haven't said.

Oh how sad!

You should give him a good talking to. He is being selfish.

Not necessarily. People are in a dark place when their marriage is breaking up. Sometimes it's difficult to talk to close relatives about the dark places.