Funny things my mum has said

My Mum's friend has recently passed away, so sadly we can wont be hearing any more of her gems such as:
That Prespyterian crossing.
The famous actor Gregory Pep
or her favourite "Numbs the word"

Reminds me of my mother playing scrabble when she was in her 50s. She put w****r on the board, my father said "You can't put that down", "Why not?" she replied "It's a word, I don't know what it means but I know it's a word". Dad had to explain what it meant. She quickly removed it from the board.

My mother (she died over sixteen years ago) was always keen to keep up with modern thoughts, words etc, but didn't always get it right. She began to call people of who she disapproved w*****s, so much so that I had to try to tell her that it was a rude word. She looked puzzled and then said "But what exactly is a w****r, Ariadne?"

So then I had to explain it all to my rather prudish and very innocent mother, who had obviously never heard of masturbation, never mind the w word. She thought it was disgusting and thanked goodness my father wasn't "That sort of man."

Oh, mum!

I cannot get my tongue around the phrase 'Predictive Text' I was at a friend's home last year and she had a rather well known singer staying as she is his tour manager. I had met him for the first time and am not a fan so it wasn't nerves. He was having trouble with his mobile phone I heard myself asking " Have you tried predictive SEX" First time I had blushed in a long time.

My Dad used to call Trebor Mints, sweet mo bilss and slippers strippers was so funny if people were round and he used to ask one of us to get him his strippers

My mother found out that one of her neighbours had been running a house off ill repute.She told people that so and so was in the papers for running an immortal house.

My gran used to say 'am I protruding' rather than intruding. She used to say will you fetch me a bottle of paralyse milk.

My gran used to say when the news reader was on telly. Put a scarf over his face I'm not having him see me in my nightie.

Nowadays I can hear myself sounding off at the telly just like my mum. She would give off a stream of verbal criticism, 'look at the size of his chin' 'what on earth is the matter with at woman's hair' and 'oh my God look at the size of her arise' her remarks would wear you out the other day I heard myself saying , 'look at that woman's hair, just does nothing for her'. OMG I am turning into my mother help!

We had worcesterwstershire sauce?

My dear old welsh Granny said she used to shop in The Home and Canolial. That must have been in the 3os when Britain still had canolials.

She also enjoyed the Streets of Fransancisco.

tee hee .... several of you made me chuckle out loud

My MIL likes Come Dine With Me so I asked her if she ever watched Four in a Bed. She was most offended & asked 'Why would I want to watch such smut?' She thought it was a programme about swingers.

She also got a voucher to try LOVEFiLM from Amazon. She said 'That's no use to me, I don't watch those sort of films.'

A friend and I had a complete conversation about an actor once in which neither of us could remember his name or the title of anything he had been in but still managed to know who we were talking about. He rang me at 11 pm that evening to shout triumphantly down the phone, 'Dominic West!'

Grannyknot, I have a brother who looks just like my late father and quite often Mum asks 'Where is Daddy today?'. We never called Dad 'Daddy' but my niece calls her father 'Daddy' so I come away totally

I'll repeat one of my mother's for the newbies.
Many years ago when the German airforce were flying star fighters two collided over Germany! My mother commented.
' the pilots were lucky, they had time to ejaculate!'

Also when talking about the cooling towers just outside Wolverhampton.
'During the war, they were so well camouflaged, that if you shut your eyes you couldn't see them!'

Mum has arthritis in her knees.

When I went to visit her last week, she said that she had to rub some"Vodafone" in her knees and would ask the chemist for some more next time we shopped - she meant, of course, Voltarol.

When she watches a film with us when she stays and cannot remember names of the cast....she calls them wotchamacallit, or oojamaflippi, and expects us to know who she is talking about!!!!

She is always funny.......and can make me laugh even when I am down.....thank goodness.

... meaning re your mother of course.

My mother was very funny without meaning to be. She used to say "I can't stand the rats race" which I always thought was very funny, when I'd correct her, she'd say "But surely there's more than one rat?"

kitty my MIL who has Alzheimer's was always very fond of me. A few years ago when she still had moments of clarity, she said to me "I haven't seen you for a long time, I blame that husband of yours". That would be her son, who was standing next to me at the time (she very quickly 'forgot' her only son, he became her brother very early on in the disease). Good to hear that things have settled down with her health given all the problems you've been having.

My Mum's sayings are usually far from funny as I usually let her down by looking a mess, wearing the wrong outfit, shoes etc. We have over the last week or so had a bit of a scary time with her health (and her c**p home) but she has picked up over the last couple of days.

I am, though, obviously still a let down because she announced today 'Everything would be so much better if we could just get you married off'

I would like to point out that I have one husband of 42 years, 5 children, 4 grandchildren and 4 sort of grandchildren! My husband thinks it's because he's not quite posh enough for her!!

These are great - my Mum had no funny sayings to add - but I love these - hilarious.

Well, it can't have been very comfortable, Movedalot...

Oh dear, I wonder if I am saying anything my boys are embarrassed about? I got told off years ago when I talked abount bonking on the piano

POGS annodomini

I may have told this one before. However, newer members may not have read it. My mum was showing someone her garden and said, 'Come and see my penis.' She did, of course, mean pieris.

Eloethan my mum was the same.

We were in the toilets at a service station, drying our hands. She looked at the 'machine' on the wall (condoms). They were in,wait for it, strawberry and cream, mint etc. She said, quite loudly, "Why would you buy kids their sweets from a ladies loo".

She always called condoms, condiments, so she would have been funny any which way.