true old saying - aching arms then aching heart

Sad and horrible to deal with mrsbj, but it may not be the end of the marriage; some do survive with a lot of determination and support. Best to see how things pan out and simply be there for your son and the children. and (((hugs)))

I left my marriage of 24 years ( not for a younger man though!) and my then mother-in-law was as devastated as you are now.

She never forgave me (she died last year, 24 years later) and I am still sad that we could not be reconciled as I thought the world of her.

To her credit, she never criticised me to the children but sadly, did not talk about me either regarding happier times - it was as though I was dead and the children did find it very difficult to understand how she could hold onto her silence and ignore the past. We met at family occasions and it was civilised, but she could have enjoyed so many more family times with us, if she had relented and forgiven the past.

So, however devastated your son is and you are too, please try and just be there for him and the children as you say, but also, one day, you may wish to reconcile with your daughter in law.....please leave the door open......life is far too short to prolong unhappiness and misunderstandings.

On a practical note, get your son to take legal advice immediately regarding a formal separation and get the couple talking together, perhaps with a mediator, as it will save so much more aggravation in the future and a sensible compromise regarding property etc. can be reached earlier rather than later.

Good advice from fonda. Your big challenge is going to be what to do with that anger and to somehow keep a cordial relationship with your DIL if possible. A huge ask I know. But remember that they might get back together again one day and if you have either slagged her off all over town, or told her what you think of her, then you will be the evil one. And repeat after me: She is the mother of my grandchildren.She is the mother of my grandchildren.

What sad news Mrs BJ.

I agree with the other replies, it is very important to keep the relationship with your DIL polite and civil. She may get back together with your DS, and in any case she will probably have a lot of control over what happens with the DGC in future. You don't want to fall out with her, if at all possible, or you might find that she will try to cut off or severely restrict contact between you and DGC.

I also agree that your DS should get legal advice immediately and be prepared to go for mediation. It will be the less painful and expensive in the long run.

Can only agree with the above posts and offer my sympathy/understanding mrsbojangles, knowing full well the feeling of wanting to rip off the head of someone that has hurt one of my children [no matter how old they are]. Vent your spleen on here; it's a good place to do so and then put on your Eleanor Rigby face when dealing with your DIL. I assure you it works,

I so know were you are coming from BJ it is hard when they grow and we can not help them as much!!

I guess all you can do is be there for him as it will make a big difference to him.

My sons wife left him and he was shaken for a while but he is fine and very happy now, I would even say much happier than he was, so bare with it all BJ, sometimes things happen for a reason and maybe there is someone better for your son in the future.

Best eishes to you both

All good advice. What a hard time for you. I am sure that you will do the right thing, but the heartache must be hard to bear.