Our children's birthdays

Both of my sons were Spring babies so I love this time of year as it brings back the happy memories I have of carrying them and preparing for their births. I remember clearly their births and the emotion I felt at finally meeting each tiny stranger.

I had a ruptured ectopic at twelve weeks, that was very traumatic and almost died from blood loss. Felt very down for months after.

Movedalot My aunt is a surviving twin the other baby was miscarried. In a recent conversation with her (she is now 87) she told me that she had always sensed the presence of her lost twin.

DD2 had a missed abortion (blighted ovum) - after years of trying she conceived and she went for a scan at about 15 weeks, when she was told that there was no foetus left even though she still continued to be "pregnant" hormonally according to her symptoms and to tests. She went though a labour and scrape out whilst fully awake and delivered (as she was told) what was left and was packed off home.

Two days later she delievered the sac and contents (about the size of a grapefruit) down the toilet - she was distraught as she thought that it was a viable pregnancy and that the doctors had got things wrong.

They were asked to scoop it out of the loo and take it to be examined - very traumatic.

And the final indignity - and insensitivity - was when the test for having resolved the problem consisted of taking a pregnancy test to prove that all had ended - after years of fruitless pregnancy tests it felt very hard to be doing a test in the hope that it might be negative.

Further years of trying and several miscarriages and an ovarian cyst later she has two lovely children and she is very happy. I am sure she still remembers the lost ones though, as it is clear you all do. To us mums it is a baby and hopefully medical and nursing staff rcognise this better now and offer sensitive support.

Kittylesser, I had a missed abortion at 26 weeks in 1981 and my consultant wanted me to go home and wait for the baby to come away naturally !!! Her words.

I refused to leave and eventually was admitted and labour induced this was Friday and my baby boy was delivered on Sunday.

I have never forgotten him and think about him every year on 12 July.

I think I've mentioned this before but I had a missed abortion in 1978. The baby died when I was 20 weeks pregnant so I had felt him (we decided it was a him) move quite a bit.

My lovely GP referred me to a consultant who ordered a 24 hour urine test to prove what the GP suspected (not many scans around then) and then promptly went on a month long holiday. We lived in a small market town with a cottage hospital and 1 visiting gynae/obstetric consultant. I think we must have both gone into shock because we just waited until he came back instead of going back to the GP and asking for another referral for a D&C. I eventually miscarried naturally on a maternity ward .

Even if I don't consciously remember, I feel really down around when 'he' was due, then I realise why. I have tears in my eyes now

No, you didn't give that impression, Moved - I was just expanding on my rather brief first post!

Oh Ana I didn't mean it like that! Sorry if I gave the wrong impression. I was going to say that I felt so traumatised each time that I thought it might have blocked out the pain but didn't want to say that as it might have implied I thought you suffered less than me! Which of course I don't!

I've never asked him if he feels it, maybe I should.

Movedalot, I don't think you're being fanciful. One of my friends lost an identical twin at birth. He is now in his mid-forties and has sisters who are identical twins. My friend's son has always said that he 'feels' his brother's presence, but finds it hard to describe to anyone what the feeling is. His sisters do, however, tell him that they understand what these feelings may be like.

Moved, I didn't, of course, mean to imply that because a miscarriage is not particularly painful it's any less traumatic - the loss of any child is a tragedy for those concerned. It's interesting that you feel your son has something extra going for him in his life. Does he feel that too? I have heard that sometimes a surviving twin goes through life with a sense of loss, or of being incomplete.

Ariadne I share your pain. DS3 is also a surviving twin and was very different to his brothers. He was one of those children that others never took toys from, was always very easy and sensible, still is. He has a very high IQ and it often feels as if he is getting some sort of extra help although his life is not particularly easy there is just a sense of something extra. I do hope no one is going to be nasty and say I am being fanciful or whatever.

Ana and Harri I suppose we are all different. I just remember how traumatised I was each time.

I don't know about 'physical trauma' what does that mean in the case of miscarriage or still birth? I don't think is is 'such a common occurrence' I know it happens to lots of people but it didn't happen to any of my contempories so doesn't feel that common to me. Even so, just because it happens to other people seems to me like no reason to dismiss it.

As some of you know, DS1 is a surviving identical twin, and even now, 42 years on, I can look at him and "know" my other son. I was alone ( well husbandless) for his birth (DH in middle of Indian ocean) and it was very very sad.

Me too Ana, although only 16.5 weeks it was as painful as full term labour.

Blimey, I thought I was dying when I had mine - I'd never known pain like it!

Maybe it's because babies aborting naturally is such a common occurrence that people are dismissive about it. And as already pointed out, doubly so when there is no physical trauma.

Yes GM no one wanted to talk about it in my day and my own Mother seemed to think it was all my own fault. Even DH said that I had told him it wasn't physically that painful and was only the emotional thing. I felt so alone.

I now take comfort that my experience has enabled me to help others when they have been in the same situation and give them hope when they felt there was none. Of course nowadays there is a lot more understanding and even a charity set up for those who have suffered miscarriages.

People forget, don't they, that there is no such thing as just a miscarriage - every one is a baby - I like your phrase "who didn't make it"

Agreed, and so different with each one. I didn't have a clue with number one, was totally in control with number two and three was a C section so the memories are very different for each. I find the same though with my GS, I remember exactly what I was doing when they were born too.

Unfortunately, I can't forget about all my babies who didn't make it either. Whenever the subject of miscarriage, still birth or even abortion comes up, it makes me very sad.

gracesmum I have a friend with one daughter and they celebrate together by doing something on the day for both of them. The emotion of the birth of my children has never left me.

For many years after my children were born I relived that day minute by minute each year on their birthday. Then it started to fade but [maybe it's an age thing] it's started to come back again. Watching Call the Midwife on Sundays doesn't help!

That's so true, gracesmum. And our own children won't understand how emotional we feel until they have their own. Nothing like it, is there?