Friends or family?

Funnily enough, when asked what possession he would most want to save if the waves came lapping on the island, he chose the recording of his grandson playing the piano.

Self sufficiency!

My DIL recently attended, with my DS,DD and DGS a memorial service for my ex MIL who recently died at the age of 93. This is the first time my DIL has met my ex's family, all of whom ignored me and DC for over 30 years even tho it was my ex who ran off with his secretary. My DIL rang me after the service and said: 'Well, I can see now why your friends are your family.'

The problem with our age group is that expanding families usually take up so much time you end up neglecting your friends.

JO8 I would agree with you, I would have said family. Unfortunately I feel family values are not what they were. I have posted (or whinged maybe) on here before that my DD prefers to be with her friend's family rather than her own. She seems to set great store by her friends. Maybe because she is an only child - but then she only has one child herself. Family for me every time. My family are my greatest friends.

That is so true merlot. And whilst I agree that family is the best thing in life, and those of us who have a loving family are blessed, I have to say that my friends are my salvation. They are the ones who choose to spend time with me for myself, who laugh with me, listen to my moans (sometimes about my much loved family members!) and make me remember who I am - me, not just someone's mum, nanny, employee, punchbag.....you get the picture!

I agree with the sentiment of the saying 'you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family'

There are members of mine and DH's extended family that I wouldn't give time of day if I had the choice.

Nearly all of my family and all of my friends!

My close friends are like my family and my close family are like my friends.

I couldn't do without either, but I have a lot of family members that I never see or want to, because I don't particularly feel any connection.

I think I must be an odd bod because I couldn't do without my family but I could do without most of my friends. Never really been one for friends, maybe because I have sisters who I am very close to.

Going back to the psychologist on Desert Island Discs I can imagine being man he has yet to find out what family is for and why family is usually the best when there is an emergency. Being man he won't have noticed that yet.
Later when he's old and frail he'll be complaining that his relatives - if he has any- don't come and look after him. His friends will still be down in the pub or on the Golf course and have no time to go and see him.

I heard the beginning of this programme at 9am today, but was in the car for just a few minutes. I did hear him say his greatest source of happiness these days were his grandchildren.

Of course my family are very important to me, my children and grandchildren but I have no family on "my" side I have in-laws but no brothers or sisters so my friends are very important to me, they are my family.

I once told my sister she was my best friend and she replied, "How can I be, I'm your sister?" Then she went on to say that she didn't see me as a friend. She still won't have it that family can be friends!

It depends how much family you have! DH and I were discussing this today as we returned from a family funeral.

DH & I each had one parent who came from a large family(one of 11 and one of 13) so we both grew up with lots of aunts and uncles and cousins who we saw at family gatherings and some of whom we are still in touch with. But DC and DGC have no extended family. DH is an only child and neither of my sisters had children so they had 2 aunts, one now deceased and one who lives hundreds of miles away so their extended family consists of one aunt.

Now they are adult only DS has married and had children and DDiL has a similar background. Her sister is childless and she has no cousins so DGC are also growing up with an extended family which consists of 2 childless aunts. If they didn't have lots of friends they would be rather pushed to find any family.

I have forgiven members of my family things that I would not have forgiven from friends.
However I do agree that it is nice to be with people of my own age, who don't expect me to 'behave myself', know I still like a risqué joke, and can share my memories of how things were when we were children.
Somebody once said that a friend is somebody you can go to if you need to borrow £100 - fortunately, I have never needed to put it to the test, and in the family I am the lender.

Zen I think family can be friends, my niece is one of my best friends, we have nothing in common and get on brilliantly.

I was thinking about this subject over supper, particularly as DS and family sometimes think about a job move elsewhere.

It occurred to me that one of the biggest problems with friends rather than family is that dense friendship/acquaintance support circles tend to be very localised. With a very narrow extended family DS & DDiL have a very complex social network made up of the children's non-family godparents, most of whom are unattached and regularly visit their god children and play an active part in their lives, other friends are those DDil has had since childhood as she still lives in the town she was born in friends through work, nursery, school, church etc etc. Were they to move this network would be fragmented and much of it would fall away and would have to be recreated from scratch in the new area they moved to. It would take the rest of DGC's childhood to build up a friendship circle comparable with the one they now have.

Family, however, remain with you and are interested in you and in touch no matter how mobile one's life is. I know we all have individual friends who have lasted years and much moving round, but it is the complex friendship circles we build up that for parents with young children in particular is so important.

They're not mutually exclusive and sometimes a friend is more "valuable" than a family member and at other vice versa, depending on circumstances. I would suggest that both are essential for emotional and psychological well-being.

My DH is not close to his family and my family and our friends form his 'family' We do see some of his family and when we do we get on but it is infrequent!

I am friends with my brothers and with one SiL and with a couple of cousins. The rest I get on with when we meet which is rarely! They are not friends!

I am close to my DDs and their partners but I would not say we were 'friends'.. we see each other regularly and support each other and i love them to pieces but it is different fron a 'friendship'.

Our friends are long established (40+ years) These are the people we have holidayed with, got pissed with, shared a joint with, protested with, laughed and cried with..saw in the new millennium with, go to the cinema /theatre with, dine and debate with shared a life with... we miss each other when we do not see each other for a week or two! ..yes my friends are as important as my family. We joke that we ( a bunch of atheists) have created our own rituals to take the place of church /synagogue/mosque get togethers!

I haven't got much of either ...

Nor me,!

My very large extended family are, in the main, a joy. We cousins especially have the same soh, and shared memories of living in a now sadly vanished era manifest as hilarious laugh-ins at family gatherings. But I don't'socialise and 'do things' with family. That's what I do with friends who are all geographically close and tend to share interests. But I love them all equally, and am very blessed for each and every one, friend or family.