Awareness of death

My parents were utterly useless at talking about death or anything else that might be upsetting, or to do with anything vaguely scandalous, or how the body works. They would go out of their way to deflect such questions. It was a totally silly way to behave. I still resent that.

I was 7 when my beloved Grandpa died. My parents didn't mention it at all and left my unmarried aunt and uncle and my maternal Granny in charge of us. I suspected the truth and asked my uncle the direct question - 'Is Grandpa dead?' and he responded the only way he could. Somehow or other I couldn't ask my parents about Grandpa's death. When his mother died, when i was 18, My Dad didn't speak of it to us and I only knew for certain when he asked me if I'd seen his black tie.This was an extreme attitude to death which he exemplified even on the death of my mother, many years later. He rarely spoke of her though we knew full well how much he missed her. I need hardly say that I have tried to be as open as possible with my own sons and my GC talk quite matter-of-factly about death, though I hope they are more regretful when I shuffle off than they have been over the loss of cats and chickens!

Jess I think the Suez crisis was the first political event I was aware of. I was 6.
I remember asking my mother if there was going to be a war - we had heard so much about WW2, and one of my friends had older siblings who could actually remember going out to the air raid shelter in the back yard.
I remember my mother putting her arms round me and saying she hoped there wouldn't be another war, but I could tell she was very worried and I lay awake worrying too.

Petra that is spooky.

I grew up in a family where my grandfather died when I was 3 and my father when I was 4. My nana talked a lot about death. I remember being embarrassed by her saying to someone that I had said we would fly up to heaven and bring someone (her husband?) back. and thinking that it was her saying that not me. It was a few years later that I was struck by the realisation that my mother and nana would die one day - I was sitting on the outside loo at the time!
She also talked about the blitz a great deal - she had been in the middle of it with a young family and her husband in the army. (she was lying in the street against a wall with her children while bombs fell on one occasion). i was very worried when the Suez crisis occurred because i gleaned from the wireless that we were at war and thought the Germans were coming back to bomb us again. I was about 5.
These days children see a lot of pretend dying on TV and in films.

I think I was about 4 or 5 when my mother made the fatal mistake of telling me that dying was like going to sleep. You can probably all imagine how many years it was before I could go to sleep without worrying whether I would ever wake up again!
On another occasion I told her I was all right because I was too young to die and she said "Don't be silly, lots of children younger than you die" It really wasn't very helpful!

My grandson who is nearly four has been staying with me for a few days and usually talks about his daddy's death in a very pragmatic way. He got a bit sad this time when he talked about not remembering his daddy cuddling him, but told me that he knows he did get cuddles because he's seen photographs. I was definitely feeling the emotion of his utterance much more than he was.

A bit off topic, I know, but both my DGC have surprised me with talk of death but not in the way we are talking about here.
I was walking with my DGS when he was about 3 1/2 in a road that he had never been before when he pointed to a house and said: I use'd to live there.
I was walking with my DGD, she's 4, along the sea front when she said to me: I died out there.
It didn't worry me as I'm a believer in rebirth.

Hi Flickety B they were in touch with Winstons Wish soon after their Dad died it was a shame there were no active groups anywhere near us however their Mum joined a national group called WAY (widowed and young) and although again there are no active groups for her to go to near here, there are organised short breaks and holidays and they have met other kids on them which has been good for them

When my MIL died very suddenly we went to her house with the children and my husband insisted on still calling it 'nanna's house'. My two year old son then went round opening all the doors looking for nanna until it was explained to him that she was no longer there [it was then known as grandads house]. There is a terrible fear of death in my ex's family and several of the family have trouble sleeping from worrying about it. In my family we used to go to the graveyard on a regular basis; I and my cousins would play there [it was a welcome area of greenery amidst the Birmingham slums that I was raised in], so life and death ran parallel to each other in my childhood. As a child born to someone quite elderly for the time mum was in her[late thirties] my family were all Edwardian/Victorian with the mentality that anything could happen at any time. I don't understand the fear in my ex's family; it took years for some of them to realise that other family members felt the same, and there's no particular reason for why they feel that way [no tragic family event for instance]. I think it's part of my ex's problem with alcohol, in that he problems getting to sleep and often wakes up with a feeling of fear.

You have to admit that the dead person is gone forever but I once read that small children need the reasurance that it's not going to happen to them in the near future.
I personally keep to the facts, no heaven or being in a another place as we are not believers in our family, although the children get religious instruction in their schools.

Think that should be effect not affect!!

I think the subject of death is handled much more sensitively today and that it is good to talk about it in whatever way seems appropriate to the questions asked.

When I was 6, one of my younger twin brothers died, aged 2. As far as I was aware he just disappeared and my mother cried continuously and eventually had a breakdown. I don't know how I learnt he had died but I knew nothing of the funeral either. I feel sad for me but goodness knows what affect it had on his twin.

Thank you for posting your thoughts. Learning about death is a sensitive situation for children, as, in my experience, they first have to face the fear of their parents' deaths and then think about their own; and they need help to accept this. They are told by us that death is natural and that we have to live our lives well; but then see around them the race to put this off at all costs in terms of ambulances hurtling around to save lives and medical dramas on the TV>

"None of us can know or comprehend" (as MiceElf rightly says) is part of the problem when talking to children as they are used to the idea that parents know everything. They have to grasp the concept of the vast unknowable that is death at the same time as coming to terms with their parent' fallabilty.

I guess the only think that they have to get hold of is the idea that love is the key and cannot be quenched, but lives on in us whatever our losses. This is what we need to keep before them.

BlueBelle, Your grandchildren have been so unfortunate, as you say they have so much knowledge of death at such a young age.

Have you been in touch with 'Winston's Wish'- it is a childhood bereavement charity www.winstonswish.org.uk/ and provides forums, holidays and phone lines for bereaved children, young people and their families. I would have thought GC like yours who have suffered so many losses would particularly benefit from access to specialist councillors and contact with children their age with similar experiences.

GD2 asked me the other day where my daddy was, "in heaven living with the angels" "and where is your mummy" ? "she's in heaven too" she looked at me and said " right, okay". Eldest GD I think understands, when she was three her friend from nursery died.

My DiL's father died when she was 5, but he is still part of her, and now her children's, life. They know that Grandpa B has died and have probably visited his grave as DiL still lives locally and usually leaves flowers on it on key dates..

DGS is three and a half and is obsessed with knights. dragons and everything scary. Over Christmas after a family walk up Dragon's Hill, a local viewing point he assured me that he had seen a dragon and the dragon there ate grown ups like Mummy and Daddy.

When, half-laughing, I asked him what would become of him if the dragon ate his mummy and daddy he said, with absolute confidence that Grandma and Grandpa (DH and myself) would be his Mummy and Daddy and, while obviously, it was lovely to see his confidence that we would always take care of him, it did occur to me that he also understood the concept of death and that it was permanent. He understood that his other Grandpa would never return and also that if a dragon ate his Mummy and Daddy, they also would never return.

My son-in-law died when my grandchildren were 6 and 4 My daughter tried her best to treat it so that they had as much information as they could handle and was always truthful with their questions. They were asked if they wanted to go to his funeral and they did, they walked behind the casket again their choice, it was terribly emotional but it was a sunny day and i'll never forget the little girl of 4 skipping along to the graveside after the service and thinking how he would have loved that. They were both effected and had different levels of fear and sorrow at different times It hasn't been plain sailing.Their affections transferred (on the male side) to my Dad their great granddad (I'm divorced so they don't have contact with their granddad and the other grandparents are dead already) Last year my Dad died, quickly followed by my Mum They are now 12 and 10 I feel so sorry for them having had so much knowledge of death at their young ages

Matter-of-fact but, obviously, sensitive references to death are, I think, very important – for adults as well as children. There were a couple of clusters of family deaths when I was a young child but no one talked about death except in whispers and certainly no one talked to me about it. For virtually the whole year when I was seven I was haunted by the prospect of my parents dying, believing that if only I could stay awake all night, they wouldn't be taken from me in the dark. I never told my parents of my fears.

But that is what being human is all about. The realisation that death is the inevitable end of life. Most psychologists say that that full realisation doesn't come until about the age of eight.

But, whatever our beliefs, I suspect we can all agree that that point of life is to live it well and as for whatever, if anything, happens after death, in a place where time and space no longer have any meaning, that is best left to the acceptance that none of us know, or could comprehend, and, that in the end, it doesn't really matter.

My GS and I often go down to our local churchyard - it is right by us and he loves it. He sees it as a bit of a playground - there is a small section that is field leading down to a stream. About a year ago he asked me what the gravestones were and I just said that they were there to remember people, without going into detail.

Gadabout - what a lovely idea for them to take a Christmas tree to the grave. I think you are right about a "journey of realisation" - a very good ay of putting it. Let us hope that we can all help him on this journey in our different ways.

My Dad only died in August and I was very careful about protecting DGS from my sadness. Looking back, maybe that was not the right thing to do. He could perhaps have dealt with some awareness of what the family were feeling - I am sure that he sensed that something was amiss. I certainly did not spell it out to him, although I know my DD said to him that my Dad had "gone to heaven" and I would not see him again so I might be a bit sad. This is the first time he has referred to it since.

my 7 yr old GS a few weeks ago..just came out with "I don't want you to die grandma)!

On Christmas morning all my family went to place a little Christmas tree on the grave of our daughter, their sister, their Aunt they never knew. We've shown the children photos of their Aunt since before they can remember & gradually the 5 year old has asked the questions, gone through a phase of wanting to be Ann, wore her old childhood dresses and is now quite at ease in the cemetery, having reached a basic level of understanding. You could see the 3 year old puzzling about it all & we talk about cemeteries when we pass them & dead animals or skeletons in museums, while the 2 year old just ran about - but they have both made a start on their journey of realisation.

Perhaps the answer might continue along the lines of "Yes, we do have a Daddy, they are just not here any more" ?

Perhaps a bit too much..........

Mishap I'm sure you handled it sensitively, but I also think that young children probably only absorb as much information as they can handle.
My maternal grandfather was killed in a road accident 3 years before I was born. A photograph of him stood on the sideboard at both our house and my Grandma's.
So as soon as I could ask questions it was 'Who is that?' and 'Where is he?' etc. We went most weeks in the summer to tend his grave.
I don't remember feeling sad about him until I was much older, or realise the enormity of what had happened to my Grandma, being widowed at 52, and Mum, losing her father at 23.