Non-Contact Grandparents

I would never go down the track of fighting for legal rights, how on earth could that work with hate filled parents?It's really sad, and I do know people it has happened to. If you are denied any contact,there is nothing you can do, as all cards and presents will be stopped by the parents.Before it gets hate-filled, you could talk to either parent and assure them that you will do all you can to help with DGC, but in the end, if they won't have it, you can't force it. I think I would just try and keep communication going in some low key way and hope that things will improve in time.Which they often will, in a marriage break up or similar.

Yes, I think grandparents should have legal rights. When a family splits up the grandchildren are often used as a weapon for control by one of the parties but this is not in the child's interest especially if the child has previously spent time with them. It is bad enough when parents fall out and the child needs as much security as possible in this situation, often grandparents can provide that.

There is often a special relationship between a child and its grandparents which adds to the child's life and is rarely a negative factor.

If I were in that situation I would be prepared to go to any legal lengths to have contact. Nothing would be too much for me.

some comments here Sorry I spelt Esther' s name wrong!

Hello Geraldine62 and welcome to Gransnet. I see this is your first post - perhaps you could tell us a little about yourself and your interest in this particular topic?

If for any reason I was in this situation I would worry about alienating the parent/parents more if I went down the legal route as I think once you start involving courts etc you are on a course to more bad feeling.Being a Grandparent I think is a precious gift to treasure but if the parent does not want your input no law in the land should be made to change that decision it is after all their child at the end of the day,that is not to say I do not feel so sad for the GP's & DGCs who are being denied contact I would be very upset if I didn't see mine

Geraldine52 Just a thought have you seen the discussions in "Denied Contact* lots of useful thoughts on there on the subject. Welcome from me also.

Not legal rights for grandparents but for the children where they have had a meaningful relationship that has been severed for no good reason, or where it can be shown that the children would benefit from contact with their grandparents. Having experienced temporary denial of contact with my grandson (dad had a little more contact via school, but ex-DIL stopped me in order to try to prevent him seeing his dad), happily now reinstated and frequent, I have seen how his confusion and need for reassurance had a detrimental effect on him, months after things returned to our regular contact. School work suffered till dad, school and child collaborated to bring him back up to speed (mum disinterested).

Now he is a teenager, he can work things out better for himself, and he is given information to explain and balance the negative information his mother imposes on him (his mother is never criticised to him) and he is developing an understanding of how his dad and grandmother are trying to enable him to live without feeling he has to take sides or be made to feel uncomfortable by choosing what he wants to do on occasion.

Whilst denied contact, I sent regular cards, small gifts like books, DVDs, computer games, treats, and later texts when he was allowed to have a mobile phone. When the divorce was going through court and parental alienation was acknowledged (mother admonished by the judge), I was always available, no matter how inconvenient, if his mother decided I would be useful to collect him from school and drop him off at his other grandmother's house - a five minute contact, but worth it. I was often treated unfairly by ex-DIL but endured it to have contact - wobbled once and told her assertively, politely, that I didn't like the way she used my grandson as a way to exact revenge, and the consequences weren't worth it. It was three months before I saw him again. You do have to bite your lip as it's the least worst of what could be happening.

Things are generally going well now - ex-DIL pulls some nasty strokes but we ride them out. It's upsetting when my grandson is prevented from joining some family events by his mother inventing other competing attractions for him (which never happen) but we don't play her game - just try to make the times he is around enjoyable for him. Never quiz him about home or his mum - he knows he can say what he wants to in either parent's house, but is clearly cautious about telling his mother anything because she does act up.

If I was to go through this situation again, I'd do mainly the same as previously, but definitely keep my mouth shut with ex-DIL.

after reading many posts about grandparents being denied to see grand children,It often seems to be when it is your son's and therfore mother of the child is your daughter in law or sons partner that call the shots, having 2 daughters and one of them having my and only GS I have never been denied (even when I have had words with DD, she would never ever deny me access to GS) but I feel when it is the other way round ie if I had sons instead of daughters then it would be a different ball game. I suppose what I am trying to say is the mother/daughter in law/partner has the say, it seems that sons just have to go along with what their wifes/partners/girlfriends dictate.

I've always had reservations about the use of the word 'rights'. If all these 'rights' were recast as responsibilities, then it might make everyone involved in ant family dispute think twice.

For example: As a parent you have a responsibility to foster good relationships with your extended family as long as it is safe to do so and your children want it.

As a grandparent you have a responsibility to love and care for your children and grandchildren as far as you are able, and should not engage in criticism.

Hi All,
Thanks for commenting, it is an issue dear to my heart, I actually don't like the term GPS rights, as in law it is the child's right to enjoy those relationships, but if the child is to young to voice his/her opinion, and the parents are at war, what then?
Fortunately, parental alienation is now becoming the new buzz word and along with it the issue of grandparents alienation.
I understand the parents have enough to consider when relationships breakdown, and grandparents are the last on the list, yet first when it comes to childcare?
Thanks Glammanana, I did pop over and have a read, some interesting points there too, I will tell you about more about me soon, Grannyactivist but can someone breakdown the abbreviations, for me first so I can read posts properly e.g. DGC's?
Thanks

There's a list of them under Acronyms, Geraldine. Welcome! Gransnet's pretty special.

Alphabetically
B is brother
BIL is brother in law
C is child/ children
D is dear or darling
F is father
G is grand
H is husband
I is in
L is law
M is mother
P is parent/ partner
S is son or sister or step
W is wife
X can be xwife or partner
Combine at will. DSIL can be dear sister in law or dear son in law
Someone who types faster will have already done this

Doh. Hadn't noticed.

Thank you Dragonfly1 and stansgran,
really helpful
I'm interested in the Non-Contact Grandparent (new acronym = N-CGP) ?
as I have spent the last six years going through the courts, It would never be my first choice,
and the only reason I did was to protect my GD, to cut a very long story short, my D& GD needed the support, there were allegations of abuse on both sides what I now refer to as WMD's being slung at each other in the 3 year court battle BEFORE I became a party to proceedings, it was when my D was arrested and my GD placed with her F & Step-mother (S-M) by SS automatically, that I knew it was an unfair fight!

I didn't know what to believe I just knew I had to protect GD, it was this key act that made my D give up, she could no longer fight and to be fair she had enough, after years of abuse by both the F & S-M she had severe depression.
The charges were later unfounded but it was too late, The F & S-M denied me contact, over the years I have done everything to include my D but she can't bear the alienation that has been implanted in GD, and has not seen her D for 2 years! (which is the saddest thing)

I wasn't about to let GD lose me aswell, I fought for contact and it cost us a nest egg, and created debt! and for the last two years I have represented myself, at a fraction of the cost,with far better outcomes.
I now have a contact order that is adhered to and has been for almost a year now, fingers crossed, I know only too well the value of keeping quiet I can't bear the F & S-M but they will never know it from me!

I just wanted to give people hope really, to never give up, and although my D is the casualty here she knows that we would support her in any way we can to build the bridge, but she is too fragile to cope, another reason I fought so that my GD will know when she is older the truth, but as she too is fragile having gone through many more unstabling situations since I have to remain quiet and just enjoy her on those contacts.

Alienation is a curse on all members of a family, I hope to raise more awareness and to help all Grandparents who are denied contact and Grandparents who are carers too!

More power to your elbow, Geraldine. Children work things out for themselves eventually when they compare how they and others are treated. It is difficult keeping calm and not criticising the people who are alienating you from your grandchild, but telling it how it is to the child doesn't bring positive results - more likely to confirm that both sides are as bad as each other. In the long run, keeping the child at the forefront of your actions is a good model for them when they become parents and grandparents.

I hope you continue you enjoy that relationship and regular contact, and if you need to vent your frustrations, this is a great place to do it.

It is good to read a thread such as this, where positive action and determination have achieved results, whatever the route taken. I know that each case is different, and each is indeed heartrending, but I get the feeling that endless castigation and recrimination help no one.

And, as when says, more power to your elbow, Geraldine - and welcome!

Thank you whenim and Ariadne,

I wish this forum had been here when I went through those traumatic years, I really thought I would breakdown completely!

There is definately truth in the saying 'what does not kill you makes you stronger!
and I know my daughter will gain in strength eventually, after all she's my daughter!

As for recriminations and castigations, they serve no purpose other negative reinforcement, and isn't that parenting 101?

My policy has always been to forgive and move forward, I may not always forget, but I always forgive.

It saddens me that people can not find a solution, or that some are too unyielding to try?

I agree with all the above.
To continually go down a blame culture serves no purpose.

Also bumping this up for Skylar.

Well done that Geraldine, to keep on going through such a long period of stress. It's great to hear that representing yourself in the family courts has worked out so well. Forgiveness is a real challenge in the circumstances you describe, and which are familiar to many grandparents. I empathise with your daughter, it's fortunate that you will form a bridge between her and your grandchild.