'Empty nest syndrome' - I think I'm suffering.

It's just nice to feel like a family again, rather than a couple. I have got used to being without him, much to my own surprise, but it's lovely to have him back.

There was indeed a very large laundry bag. I was pleased to see that he must have changed his bed at least once, as the bedding that needs washing is the '2nd choice' stuff.

However he has also brought back a pile of beautifully wrapped and labelled gifts - that's a first! - so all is forgiven.

Wot! No big bag of washing!

When my Son went off to uni at 18 he was only about 30 miles. He had become rather a pain in the butt, but I did miss him.

I remember cleaning out his sty bedroom thoroughly as a sort of therapy. The rubbish in there was dreadful and included a large number of estate agents notices.

DD went the following year. That was in 1995 and 1997. I was still working and did not feel too bad.

Well he's back today, and the bath has already been used, the cupboard surveyed for new varieties of crisps and he is having a cooking lesson with his Dad.

I suspect by the end of January I shall be crawling up the wall but for the time being, it's lovely.

Like anno, by the time mine were off to university, my career was taking off, so I was busy, busy, busy. When DD was doing an extra "A" Level I was doing an MA - lots in common. She was at home then, for a year, but DH was serving in Belize. Different empty nesting, maybe?

I loved it when they came home, because our holidays all coincided, and we all enjoyed our times together.

Yes, I missed them, and they missed us, but the bit of a cliche of "roots and wings" is very apt. And yes, an unoccupied bathroom is very, very pleasant.

HildaW I think we all need to remind ourselves from time to time that, as you put it, 'we've done something right' when they can talk to us and sometimes take our advice if asked for.
You've clearly done a brilliant job of what must be one of the hardest roles going, with no instruction book or training!

Mine come and go, come and go, come and go. As someone else said, it is a long drawn out process.
It dawned on me recently, that the goodbyes are not actually long term goodbyes at all. Just goodbye for now.
Anyone else feel that sometimes the English language is lacking some subtleties?

loopylou, you have put that very well....I am the one they now phone to 'download' when they need a non-judgemental yet supporting ear. They do not want me to tell them what to do they just want to let off steam or use me as a sounding board. They are old enough to make their own decisions and I try very hard not to say too much. Its really a huge compliment to me but sometimes I forget that. I must have done something right , they are out their living their lives and I just stand back and marvel.......but thankfully I now have two adorable grandchildren who are slowly developing into delightful little creatures....so, although its not quite as hands on, there is still a role for me.

That's how I feel. I did feel very lost last year. I felt as if I had been made redundant from a job I loved. I got quite depressed, but slowly began to build a different life and to appreciate having more time for myself.

That's just how I felt, sort of loss of identity but it does get easier in time and I now have a different 'role', if you like, as sort of a listening ear for them to bounce ideas off and perhaps more as an equal rather than as 'Mum'?
I guess it's about them spreading their wings but having you as a safety net.

Part of my problem seems to be that I always felt that I was friends with my children but, as they've grown up and have inlaws and friends of their own age I don't really know what my role is any more and get surprised when I do childminding for them and am on hand to listen to any problems they have but don't seem to be wanted for anything else. I don't want to downsize as I always wanted my children to have a family home that was theirs to return to if ever they needed it [something I never had].

I can see how it happens, DD moved out and I was heartbroken, her relationship didn't last and she cam home for just over a year, then she moved out again. For years we kept expecting her to come back again, but it didn't happen and I realised why it was that MiL always bought such big houses, it was in case her boys needed to come home for a while. While all around me friends were buying smaller houses precisely so that their children couldn't.

A friend's daughter and her family have moved in with her today for a year, while their house is being built. She offered, she said the words just jumped out! She is absolutely petrified, but also quite elated. I hope it works out for her. With a baby and a 3 yr-old I don't think she will ever get a lie-in again, but she's really looking forward to having her eldest daughter under her roof again.

I have been battling with the empty nest syndrome on and off for years. The problem was the kids kept coming and going. Both our kids were home birds and reluctant to move away for University. They both went to Univeristy locally and DD lived at home. After University DD moved down South with her partner to our surprise but after a couple of years came back locally and so still spent a lot of time with us including most weekends as her partner worked abroad. Just as she came back DS went of to Uni, although only 15 miles away, he stayed in student accommodation. He was a home bird and didn't want to move away. From there he went to a shared flat with other students and then into his own flat with a friend.

DD then emigrated to Australia and DS came back to live at home as he couldn't afford his own place. We turned a couple of rooms upstairs into a mini bedsit for him and his girlfriend. They used to spend most weekends at our house. Eventually he moved out to his own apartment although not far away. He is now living and working abroad as well. That's when it hit me really. They were both gone and I found it really difficult to cope. I felt lost and without a purpose in my life. I think it was much easier years ago, when they just left, married and got their own places. I think part of the problem is that it is so difficult to afford their own places now. It certainly made the process quite long and drawn out for us and therefore more painful eventually.

We have now taken the plunge and moved to Australia to be near our daughter and family, and are actually living with them although we are not sure we will stay here. If we move away it will be the empty nest syndrome all over again.

There's no denying it's wonderful to see the bathroom I shared with him in the same state I left it the night before, the washing has halved and so has the shopping! He eats as much as DBH and I together. But I think we appreciate each other far more now.

Thank you all so much - just reading your messages has really helped.

You know what, I'm going to stop moping and grab this new phase in my life with both hands. My children are healthy, happy, & now independent - that's all I ever wanted for them. I'll always miss them, but now it's time to rediscover me.

Here's to the future

it not only gets easier but I no longer miss them! They've been gone 20 years and i wouldn't want them back.
It is hard when the youngest leaves and its normal behaviour to sit in their bedroom and cry. On the other hand its lovely to see them mature due to being independent, after all that's what we wanted for them.

Bee63 make the most of it. I thought when my son got married that I wouldn't see much of them. Then the grandchildren arrived!!!

You're not pathetic bee63, when my twins left for university I couldn't come back to the empty house, I stayed in a hotel overnight (!) and then I did the same as you - went up to their room, sniffed their clothes and cried.

If you've worked part time and spent lots of time with your children, as I did, then I think it's harder to get over them going. Even though I've got hobbies and friends, it's strangely disruptive when they come back for periods of time, as they do, because then your revived activities inevitably take a back seat, unless you are very hard hearted!

It's lovely seeing them become independent adults but also a struggle because if you love them, then of course you want to stay close but you can only hope they will want to do so too and realising that is quite a shock. As time passes though, the pain of seeing them come and go does lessen and with Facebook and modern technology, keeping in touch is easier than in the past.

bee63 hope that you manage to enjoy Christmas in spite of this problem in your life.

Janerowena
Yes, it does get better as you get older and your life develops in other ways.Having a chat on the phone is nice, and now there is texting and email as well.I told myself it was natural and hopefully I had done a good job and the children were now independent.I don't miss the huge amounts of cooking and washing I have to say, and we have all to remember that we are US and not just Mothers.

I'm still going through it - in fact seeing the thread on it here on Gransnet when I was googling 'empty nest syndrome' was what made me join this site. That thread is here, I don't know if it will help you at all but I certainly found it helpful.

www.gransnet.com/forums/health/1196664-Empty-Nest-Syndrome

Because not everyone understands what you are going through. I have a friend with four daughters who moved away from two of them once they were settled - and they followed her! Now that she has two at uni and two small GCs as well, her house is occasionally like Bedlam and she could do with a bit of peace and quiet.

My own DS will be back next Monday for five weeks and I can't wait, but although he loves coming home for a rest and a bit of spoiling, we live out in the sticks and I know he would never return to live full-time at home willingly after three years of living in a beautiful city. Facebook is my saviour, I can see the little green dots and know he is still alive and well, but I rarely contact him during term time without good reason. We went to see him this past weekend because he didn't think to pack any gloves or hats, so we went xmas shopping and then met up with him and took him out for a meal.

But when the time to leave him came, I felt like kidnapping him and taking him home, I felt so very sad. I thought I had been doing so well until then. I didn't cry, which is a huge improvement on last year. And DD and GCs will be coming up the following week for a few days, so we will all be together again, although with 'add-ons'. That is when I am happiest, when we are all under one roof, and all feels right with the world. I have started to treasure those times, because I now realise why my grandmother used to be upset when not all of her family could make it for reunions. It's to grab back those precious family togetherness times, if only for a short while.

The looser the apron strings, the more they will appreciate you. I had lots going on when mine left - work, political commitments, Open University courses. I hardly had time to miss them. And they came back... and went again and now they and their families always welcome me to their homes - even take me on holiday.

You are so lucky, Kiora, treasure the moment for ever, and thanks for sharing it.

or even