Now feeling a bit bad, but should I ???? Long story.

I have heard it said, quite often, that most men don't let themselves think about things that upset them as children until they have their own. I saw that with Ex, I don't think they can control some of it because they have bottled it up for so long. He is jealous, but if he feels that you are fond of him too, hopefully he will get over it - it's just a shame that he pushed you away rather than drew you closer, but he didn't have a clue how to go about it, did he?

I so agree with Anya.

I'm so glad that you seem to have resolved this difficulty and wish you all well. I really don't want to rock the boat but I'm afraid I'm still a bit puzzled by what prompted the 'pontificators' remarks. Was it because you were still in throes of your distress and reacted that way and do you still feel the same now that things seem better?
I really was not aware of anyone saying anything that could provoke such a reaction.
I do hope this new year brings a new depth of understanding and affection to you and yours.

Amazing how it often happens that a problem can seem huge, then a little thing can start to melt it away.
All the best, felice.

Wonderful.

That sounds very hopeful felice, best wishes

Hopefully things moving forward for you felice, fingers crossed (hug) and

had a nice dinner with DD, DGS and SIL last night , I put my arm around my DD and gave her a kiss on the cheek.
SIL then announced' his mother had never ever done that, never tucked him in, gave him a goodnight kiss, read a story.
DD and I were stunned we are an affectionate family, it seems he was a 'trophy' child, beautiful blonde, blue eyed little boy and very well behaved. His nanny was affectionate but not his Mother.

So much now becomes clear, and now we can move on with it, I gave him a big hug when I came downstairs with DGS, and he hugged back.
Happy new year everyone, and may it be a blessed one for all of us.

Maggie, it doesn't seem to stop them usually !!!!!!I think I find it strange as it really is a new situation, for instance, he used to take me shopping by car once a week or so, now he asks DD to get a shopping list from me??
I just wish I could talk to him about it, but as i said in the OP he goes into strong parisien Dialect, he speaks no English, whenever anything uncomfortable comes up, even DD struggles then.
He knows the terrible relationship I have with my adopted Mother, and has often commented how lucky he was, his adopted Father went to Africa a year after his adoption and never came back, they had stayed together until after the adoption was legalised and he was off.
Friends had broached the idea of counselling when he and DD were getting married but a lot of stuff has been slowly cleared into storage, especially when DGS started exploring!!!!!
Well we shall see thanks at least for letting me get it off my chest, I have been told that I would have got on really well with his Mother and that she would have loved DD so that is something. Hopefully he will get over it,
I have long chats with my 'real' Mother about it and that helps too.
Got to try and tidy up around DGS now, small apartment and 2 toddlers running riot with there Christmas pressies has caused a bit of chaos.

Families are a complex lot aren't they Felice and others .... my own wider family included!

Who knows why your SiL is the way he is but I'm wondering whether there's an element of 'familiarity breeds contempt'. It's very handy for him that you live downstairs (at his suggestion) but then he wants to keep you at arm's length when it suits.

From what you say, you don't impose yourself on the the family so it seems a bit cruel that you're banished to your own quarters when it suits him, particularly on Christmas Day!

Do you have to live in that particular flat?

I have to say, felice, that describing people who are trying to help you as "pontificators and the I Know Besters..... who probably have no experience of the real thing" will not encourage others to post on here.

felice I have no advice, just lots of sympathy in what must be a dreadfully difficult situation, and a few hugs.

Reading these rather sad stories makes me very grateful for my DSiL who had an horrendous upbringing by an alcoholic mother who had several relationships after DsiL's Father left. He has always been kind and polite and grateful for the warmth and inclusion in our family. He is a great dad to their two children and he and DD are a strong and loving partnership in every way. I respect and admire him so much but I do realise that we are lucky that he has overcome the problems he had (and still has) with his own Mum.

He sounds like a spoilt brat instead of a mature 47 year old.

Losing parents does not excuse rudeness years later towards people who had nothing to do with it and to whom one should be polite. Sounds more like an excuse for not learning some social skills.

p.s. on their request.

I'm the same Tegan. My SIL to be lost his mum when he was 12 years old and his father two years ago, he is 25. I get ignored when visiting, he wont even make me a cup of tea. And now for the wedding in September I've been told I have no part. I do wonder if this is because there are no parents on his side but then they should have thought about this when two babies came along and I was the one with my hand in my pocket.

felice; I do often wonder if complications within my family are due to my SIL losing both of his parents..one when he was in his teens and one when he was much older [although it was very sudden and a great shock to. I don't think that there is a conscious jealousy though, but there are subconscious feelings lurking around.

I think he is jealous as Stansgran says. Though it seems odd after seventeen years for him to be jealous of you, his MIL, because you are still living and his mother is not. Also for him not to be coping with his child, or did your DD tell you that felice so as not to upset you. He does sound odd to me. Seventeen years to be obsessed over your deceased adoptive mother is a long time.

He is my SIL, so Dgs is his son, my 'Mother' loves to be called my 'real' mother says it makes all the years without me 'real' again.
Iam64 i hope you are talking from your own experience, not rhetorically.
SIL found his real Mother when he was 16, he and she has no interest in any communication.
Believe me we are not a normal family, me divorced, X doing his own thing with new wife and sprogs, I am disabled so life is not easy.
SILs attitude has only been over the last year, .
I might do another posting on this as some posters seem to have problems if a posting is too long,,,i.e, SIL and DGS.
Umm Elegran, his Mother is dead that was quite an adjustment. If you mean his re oops sorry Birth Mother she left him in a bucket when he was 10 days old in a cold january,,,, yes yes lets go down the desperate poor girl bit, I know all that, personally.
Waste of time really posting anything on this, just get the pontificators and the I Know Besters,,,,, who probably have no experience of the real thing.

I was copying felice's words.
I see what you are getting at Iam64.

I don't want to be cause distress to anyone, especially at this time of year. I find the use of the term "real mother" to describe a birth mother unhelpful to all concerned. She is his birth mother, a meaning no one can dispute, or denigrate. For many adopted people, their adoptive mother is in the true sense, their 'real' mother, for good or ill.

Did he find his real mother this year?

I wonder if he is jealous of a three generation family who seem happy and self sufficient? He sounds a bit obsessive to me.

Hi
I am new here, so dont know any backstory.
It seems to me, rightly or wrongly, that this situation is not personal to you? Because it is his DGS as well as you that he is struggling with?
So, I am not sure that if I were you, that I would say anything either.
Is DGS his son?