20 month old granddaughter doesn't like me!

My Dgd and dgs, both 8, are polar opposites. Dgs from very tiny was a huggy, snuggly child. He still is and I'm his cushion to lean against when he's watching TV at our house and I know a lot about football and rugby now! Dgd has always been very self contained, self possessed....the child with an old soul. Not huggy at all but we do loads of craft projects together, next week we're making honey lip scrub (!) and we've just finished making finger puppets for baby cousin. Tonight she asked for a hug as well. We just take them both as they are and love them.

Hard to say what's going on in her head, isn't it. She hasn't ever been taken away by someone else has she...I just mean being taken to a friends house while you DIL has an appointment somewhere and thinks you're going to take her away. It does make more sense as to why you're so upset now you've explained it fully. I was really upset when my grandson said he was bored as I try to make his visits here really interesting and the alternative would be for him to go to nursery after school club instead . I did realise I was silly to take it so personally but I couldn't help it.

Just read your reply, Daneric and was shocked to see you visit for a week each month. Surely that's way way way too much? I wonder your daughter in law is still speaking to you! Would you want a visitor in your house for a quarter of your life?
Step back and let your son and family get on with things on their own!

So this has only happened once, and you want to go to therapy?
Am I understanding that correctly?

I think you are overreacting which I think you realise.

It must have been a shock.
But also I think you are overreacting to the maternal/paternal grandparent bit [though I am not a grandparent so I will leave others to say about that part].

She cries when the facetime me and doesn't want to talk.

I agree...that's why I decided to see a prifessional.

Small children change constantly, preferring one parent for weeks and pushing the other away. My littlest grandchildren won't let me do anything for them if a parent is present but are very happy when left with me.
Op's baby grandchild will be a different person in 6 months time.
The worst changes happen when children start school, when they undergo a total personality change.

Thanks everyone! They reason I chose to go to therapy is because it makes me so upset and I know it's irrational. I visit for at least a week every month or so. We do facetime often. This didn't start until this last visit when the other grandmother came. I understand that maternal grandmothers are typically closer. She lives about 2 1/2 hours away so the kids visit them at least once a month. Those grandparents don't vist as often as I do but get to see them more frequently. They are always on FaceTime with them and probably 1/2 as much with me. I accept that daughters and mothers are closer. I was just startled by the intense reaction my granddaughter had to me as soon as the other grandmother showed up. She was pushing me out of the way and cried even if I looked at her. My granddaughter is a very loving, cuddly child and was that way with me prior to the other grandma's visit. I returned after a week or so and the hitting and pushing me out of the way (if I sat on the floor with her or even in th couch next to her) continued. My daughter in law witnessed the behavior and was really shocked. She reprimanded her as did my son. I definitely give her space and try not to upset her. I stayed in the kitchen and cooked and cleaned most of the time I was there just to not upset her. It sounds crazy but I feel better reading your reponses..,thank you thank you

She can't express herself in any other way.

Therapy to deal with this seems a bit extreme to me - common sense and understanding of what the child wants rather than your own wants and needs could work wonders!

Wise words... sometimes easier to write than abide by, eh?

Don't try the huggy kissy approach, just be fun and play games - clapping games, 'if you're happy and you know it', 'row, row, row your boat' etc
You could kiss her toes when you change her and make a game of it.

My DGC all see more of their other DGMs and this is inevitable.

Don't take it personally, she is a baby still. You can still build up a relationship with her.

..same here, jings ....

Wise words up ^^there, jings !

(This bit:^More to life than just grandkids^)

He's heard worse than that from me Tegan!

How do you get on with the older sister?

It's probably because, at the age of 13, he loves having a granny that says 'stuff it' ....

I think today's families can be very insular. They often live some distance from the grandparents and their lives revolve entirely around each other exclusively. Both my grandsons have been little buggers to me in the past. The younger one still is. The older one has, at thirteen, come out of it. I used to get hurt. Used to cry on the way home from visits. Not now. I've learned to say "stuff it". More to life than just grandkids.

Frankly, I'm going to therapy as I can't deal with this

I can understand that you are a bit upset, but frankly I don't think you should let it get to you that much.

I have 3 GDs two of them were cuddlers from the start. From about 3 months GD 3 screamed whenever I held her!

I'm sure she did not do this with maternal Gran!

Like you I was distraught and i would have felt worse if it hadn't been for the elder 2.

I adopted a more hands off approach and when she could sit, I just got down ( not too close ) and played. If the tears started, I backed off. Now at 10 months things are much better, although I feel she is not 100% sure, but we're getting there.
As others have said, bide your time and it will come right. Although, in the middle of the night it can seem awful and tears flow! Hope it sorts itself soon. x

Bide your time, stand back, cut out the hugs till she is ready and find lots of games she enjoys instead. Above all else don't take it personally. If you are not a regular feature of her life because of distance you can see how it might feel from her point of view. Go at her pace; do not force anything - and above all don't be upset by it, as it is not appropriate. She's just a wee lass making sense of the world.

My grandson went through a phase of saying 'I'm bored' when I was looking after him. I was quite upset at the time [perhaps other gransnetters will remember having to comfort me [?]]. When I mentioned it to my daughter a while later she said that he was going through a phase and he said it all the time at home. I haven't cuddled that one since he was very young and he used to snuggle up to me when I read him books. The younger one is more tactile and I sometimes put my arm around him when I pick him up from school on school run days but I never kiss either of them. I don't want to be horrid to the OP who is obviously very upset but I don't understand the need to kiss and cuddle a grandchild, especially if they obviously don't want it. If the little girl is interested in something [Frozen or something like that] I'd develop an interest and chat about it with them. When my daughter was about 2 a very dear friend of mine came to stay. After a couple of days my daughter said in front of her 'when is SHE going home'. My friend left soon afterwards and I felt awful. Quite recently my daughter raised the subject herself and said 'you know what, mum; I didn't dislike her and I didn't want her to leave..I just genuinely wanted to know when she was going home and had no intention of hurting her ]'. Isn't it abround 20 months that children go through a phase of not liking their fathers as well; I seem to recall the older grandson doing so and, when I consulted good old Dr Spock he confirmed it. Danericbob; I do sympathise with you..I'd love my grandchildren to really enjoy being with me but they don't so I just have to accept it [they tolerate me].

Danericbob that does not sound unusual to me.

If his mum and dad are around my DGS does not want me to change him he wants his mum, particularly as she works shifts and sometimes he does not see much of her for 24 hrs depending on mum's shift patterns.

Don't worry too much about it.

A friend of mine has a grandson who she didn't used to see much of. When the child was about 2, every time my friend and her DH visited the little boy would say to them 'shoes on, shoes on, go away now'. My friend used to get really upset. They see a lot more of him now and everything is fine. I think if the child is not too used to a person this can be understandable.

Personally I don't think that this is unusual at that age. My 18 month old GS decides who he'll go to and if M and D are around then it isn't me!
When his other grandparents are around he would go to grandfather but not his grandmother, who for the week they were staying there didn't get a single hug! She was understandably very upset, but he was fine the next time.
I leave it totally up to him, just 'go with the flow' as MrsPickle says.
If no one else around he's absolutely fine.

I could have written this, word for word.
My tactic is to see her little and as often as possible. Her older bro is fine with me.
It isn't just me and I think to force hugs, cuddles and kisses will make things worse.
I am quite a reserved person and, even at 20 months, I can see how she feels.
She is fine with me when Mum not there, too.

We each have this rosy vision of what our grandkids should be, but life, as we know, isn't like that. Be patient, don't force things, don't feel tempted to 'buy her' with gifts, but just 'go with the flow.
If she feels she's manipulating you, she will do so even more. That's kids for you!
Hard, but in the end, so worth it.