Very Short Funeral

I have just this minute come home from attending an old neighbours funeral. It was terrific! A humanist one. The lady celebrant had obviously spent a lot of time with the family and prepared a really lovely service. No hymns obviously (and I do love belting out 'Abide with me') but the persons favourite music. A lovely farewell.

I agree, thatbags, that the wake should be happy (ish). It signifies the end of that limbo time between the death and the funeral. The funeral is the goodbye and the wake helps relieve the tension and allows everyone to lighten up, and accept that normal life goes on. Funerals are for the living to adjust and should end on a relatively happy note. Obviously this is easier if the person concerned had a full life. It probably doesn't help in the death of a child or young adult.

When a much loved uncle died before Christmas a few years ago, family travelled from hundreds of miles, from all over UK to go to his funeral. The night before the funeral we all met up at a hotel with carvery, ate as we arrived in groups, then all converged in the bar. We had a wonderful evening, all talking and laughing about family history, and then attended the funeral and official wake the next day, more sedate, more sombre and having enjoyed our family meet up the evening before. All agreed, including my aunt, his widow, that he would have loved the evening and she was touched that so many family wanted to travel so far to pay respect to a much loved man.

Hope they declared it for tax purposes!

Nice little earner.

Must have been the cremation certificate then.

Two doctors at £80 each have to sign the cremation certificate which of course equals £160

Merlot- I've checked - doctors can't charge for the death ( really called the medical ) certificate. Apropos of your bill, sounds a bit cheeky calling something doctors services - unless it did mean cremation certificate and s/ he didn't like to state it thst baldly.

Helping to organise my dm's funeral was actually all part of the grieving process and also gave us something to do in those first few strange sad days. I would have hated having a script all laid out for us. I agree with the view that funerals are for those left behind. For example, in our case, the enormous turn out at her funeral and all the lovely tributes and memories were a great source of comfort to us. There was a great deal of laughter at the wake as examples of her outrageous behaviour were recounted and then trumped. Suppose she had wanted something small ? We would have missed out on meeting so many people whose lives she touched and made a difference to. Also, re music, I can't help but feel that the bereaved should have an input into that if they wish.

I've just been off to check the paperwork, GrannyTwice. When Mum died her GP charged us £160 and I assumed that included the death certificate. It just says 'Doctor's Services' on the invoice.

I assumed that included the death certificate but I could be wrong.

I've just received details from Age UK for us to pay for and organise my funeral and that of DH. The prices of funerals seem enormous so if we pay now they say no more money will be required - this seems a no brainer to me.

Also we are choosing the music we want so that our DS doesn't have too much to do when the time comes.

As we speak we are both fine and dandy but like to be prepared.

Merlot - I thought doctors charged for cremation certificates but not death certificates.

Yes they do, bags

GPs charge for signing a death certificate?!? Bloody hell!

When MIL died last year the undertakers recommended a lady who would say a few words about her at the funeral. We were a bit dubious but she was very good. She visited us and our daughter to talk about MIL and also phoned DH's cousin to see what she could add. On the day she came up with a lovely description of MIL with lots of stories that, individually, we had forgotten but which summed her up perfectly. We had a piece of music DH chose and the Lord's Prayer and that was it. She also sent us each a printed copy of her talk. I can't remember how much she charged, but I know it seemed much better value than the GP's fee for signing the death certificate!

I made sure everyone knew that the funeral had been as my Mother wished, my Aunt made no decisions for herself, my Mother was in complete control of her life.
Too much to go into this morning, total control freak with regard to her younger Brother and Sister, even fobidding either of them from marrying.
They were even forbidden from choosing their own clothes right down to underwear. She would buy them in the city and take them out to them in the village they lived in every weekend, and I really mean EVERY weekend, our own family holidays would start on a Sunday and be home on a Saturday so my Father could drive her down to visit them.
Not a nice person, I am afraid I moved away as soon as I could.

I do hope you replied to those messages to thank them for contacting you and to add that you hoped that your aunt was happy that her wishes for had been carried out as her close family knew she wanted, with no fuss, as you were unable to attend yourself, and it was so difficult for you to organise the whole thing on your own from a distance.

The gathering after the service allows for a release of tension, an occasion to reminisce about the deceased person and to get up to date with friends and relatives - I find, increasingly, that nowadays there are people I rarely see except at funerals. I hope that my family will give me a 'good send off' when the time comes.

When my Aunt died I organised her funeral long distance as I was unable to travel at the time, with a wonderful local funeral director and really nice retired Minister.
My Mother, insisted it was a graveside service with no fuss at all, she is housebound so also not attending.
I then recieved some really nasty and abusive letters and phone calls accusing me of neglecting my Aunt and not treating her with respect. I just carried out my Mother, her sisters wishes.
The people who contacted me I had contacted when my Aunt died to ask if they would help with the arrangements, all said NO.
Sometimes you just cannot win !!!!
Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

I think wakes are traditionally fairly riotous. I just don't have a riotous family or friends.

Seems I've led a sheltered life re funerals too then. Hey ho.

Nothing intrinsically wrong with bagging up leftover food though. Better than letting it go to waste

SOONTOBE you asked if I thought what we had at Mum's funeral was enough?........

I felt it would have been enough for her . She hated fuss, and kept herself to herself. She would have disliked some random vicar who didn't know her speaking about her.

For myself, I felt a bit embarrassed about the brevity of it to be honest, but that's only because it wasn't 'the 'norm'.

However, I've never been one to do 'what's expected' and I don't think those who attended were in any way surprised.

A wake is one thing but a general p**s up at the pub is another.
I've seen many, when working in a pub, that certainly haven't been a celebration or respectful!
Those are the ones I don't like.

The reason some wakes are distasteful I think number is that it's not just family and others who are grieving who attend the wake, but too many of the hangers on who look on it as an excuse for a booze up or (as I witnessed once in disgust) bag up left over food.

It respectful to the deceased and can help the family if plenty of people turn up for the funeral service, but often it is asked that only family members and close family friends attend the cremation or actual buriel.

That should be the same for the wake. If I attend a funeral out of respect then I leave after the service. If for a family member or a good friend, as happened very recently, then I stay for the reasons Bags mentioned above.

The stuff at the pub or hotel or someone's house is the wake. It's a celebration of the dead person's life. It's a showing of love for that person. It's an acceptance of their death. All that helps with grieving. That is what it's for and why wakes are traditional. Wakes are helpful to those left behind because they get to share their grief, their love for the dead person, and their happy memories too.

Nothing wrong with happy wakes.