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please pass on some wisdom to a newbie

(19 Posts)
Canarygirl1 Thu 26-Mar-15 15:25:19

Hi long time lurker who requires some of the lovely advice you give. Like many of you rough childhood, wonderful DH found me, 2 amazing children, 5 grandchildren all growing up. Now after years of stressful job, bringing up family, helping with DGC - one terminally ill, parents gone and just one difficult MIL left have I suddenly hit a brick wall of miserable sadness and blackness and seemingly no light at anywhere. Yes I know how ungrateful I am - as my mother would have said you need a good slap and no supper! Any ideas on how to turn this around would be most welcome and am so sorry to those of you who have genuine problems to be upset about.

soontobe Thu 26-Mar-15 15:43:39

You have a terminally ill grandchild. That alone is enough for anyone to cope with. And is most definitely a genuine problem. sad

You may need rest and recuperation yourself. And things that are safe, that bring you light relief. Such as nature or a comedy programme, or whatever works for you.

annodomini Thu 26-Mar-15 15:46:51

First of all, welcome, Canarygirl. Who says that yours is not a genuine problem? It sounds like one to me and I know other g'netters will tell you the same thing. Depression is not just 'being a bit down'. It is an illness and if you had a physical illness you would make an appointment with your GP. There is nothing trivial about the way you are feeling at present, so my advice - for what it's worth - is to go and talk to your GP and whatever the advice, whether it be therapy or a course of anti-depressants, please heed it. And be kind to yourself. smile

GillT57 Thu 26-Mar-15 15:53:50

Depression is a real illness, not always a reaction to life events. We can't help depression and advice to pull yourself together isn't kind or helpful; we wouldn't say that to a diabetic with unstable insulin levels so why say it to someone with unstable serotonin levels? Take care of yourself, it sounds as if your family need you, take the good advice given by annodomini and soontobe and make an appointment with your GP. Meanwhile, welcome to GN and please feel free to offload on here at any time.

kittylester Thu 26-Mar-15 16:03:47

Welcome, Canarygirl! sunshine

What a lot to have to cope with. Is your DGC still alive?

It strikes me that you have a really extreme case of what was called in our house 'stopping work itis'. It is a fact that when all the stuff that meant you had to hold yourself together to cope, stops, it can cause illness of some sort or another. DH always had a cold during the first week of any time off and DD1 has taken after him.

Have you felt like this for long? Maybe it is time to see the GP, as anno suggested! And, keep talking to us!

Nonnie Thu 26-Mar-15 16:36:59

Sounds to me like you have been very strong while you needed to be but now you have time to crack up. Nothing new in that, strong people cope for far longer than they should and eventually it all catches up with them. Get help and also read 'Depression the Curse of the Strong' by Dr Tim Cantopher. It is only a little book but it makes you understand what has happened and that you are not alone. flowers

Mishap Thu 26-Mar-15 16:38:14

As many therapists would say: "Be as kind to yourself as you would to a friend in the same situation."

Would you tell a friend in your situation that she did not have a "genuine problem"? - I think not.

Go and get some help; don't undervalue your feelings.

And take care. flowers

rockgran Thu 26-Mar-15 16:52:52

Sometimes it's all right just to be sad. Don't feel guilty about being miserable - allow it for a while.
We can't be happy all the time and it can be a relief to give in to the sadness without having to put on a brave face. A good wallow can work wonders.

If it continues too long then of course you should seek help.

HildaW Thu 26-Mar-15 16:56:48

Canarygirl1 - Really sympathise with how you are feeling. You are not alone my dear there are many of us about....sort of walking wounded (emotionally that is).

Without going into a long boring story I finally admitted to my Doctor that I was not coping - sort of fell apart in the surgery - and she recommended a councillor who uses a branch of Mindfulness called A.C.T. ......yes it all sounds a bit hippy dippy and I've always been the logical pragmatic type but I had to admit that I could not go on the way I was.

Its been a couple of months of fortnightly sessions and I can honestly say she's helping me put so much into perspective, realise my childhood still affects me and has allowed me to develop positive traits for the future.

I would recommend having a word with your Doctor, its perfectly valid. When the emotional burdens you carry stop you living the life you should be able to enjoy, then its time to ask for help. Good luck.

pompa Thu 26-Mar-15 17:55:06

Hi CG, I have been away from GN for a short while simply because I could not raise the enthusiasm do do anything, black period, and for no particular reason.

A combination of good weather and getting to work on the garden has brought me back. However, if you feel hopeless (as I have often done) don't delay in talking to your Doc, they really can help and will understand your feelings.

Eloethan Thu 26-Mar-15 17:56:17

I think you're being far too hard on yourself. As soontobe said, apart from the stresses that you mention, having a grandchild with a terminal illness is a huge thing for even the most resilient person to cope with.

I wonder if the fact that at this time you call to mind your mother's words about needing a good slap suggests that you feel she would have disapproved of your current state of mind. You mention in your post that you had a difficult childhood and perhaps you have learned from an early age to accept whatever life throws at you without making a fuss. You accuse yourself of being "ungrateful" and that your problem is not "genuine" like other people's problems and I wonder where this very critical internal "script" has come from.

It's good that in the normal course of events you can see the positive things in your life rather than dwell on the more problematic ones. It is probably what has enabled you to cope with some difficult times. However, maybe you have been trying so hard to suppress more difficult but perfectly natural feelings that all of a sudden they cannot be contained.

I wonder if for the time being you might just give in to those feelings - fighting against them can be very exhausting. If there is also reason for you to be physically exhausted, perhaps you need more rest or a small break away. If after a little time you continue to feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel, it's probably a good idea to have a talk with your GP.

I felt so sorry to hear you giving yourself such a hard time and I truly hope you soon feel much better.

Canarygirl1 Thu 26-Mar-15 21:05:06

thank you for the very kind replies, possibly this does to some degree stem from recent retirement. I have just never felt this tired and down. My grandson is very thankfully till with us and is an inspiration to everyone he is one of the sun shines in my life. Tomorrow I might start writing my diary again as I find it helps to look back and see how many good things I have.Again thanks for the helpful comments.

soontobe Thu 26-Mar-15 21:38:03

Writing your diary sounds like a good idea.

However, I could be wrong, but dont think that it is always necessary to continually be always counting your blessings.
It is ok to be sad sometimes. Perfectly normal.
I wonder if you are allowing yourself this?

Do you have support? It sounds like you do. Are you crying on each others' shoulders sometimes?

soontobe Thu 26-Mar-15 21:40:15

I do wonder if you have got 2 problems.
Your dear grandson who sounds lovely by the way! sunshine

And your recent retirement. I dont know much about retirement, but it can be a big life change in itself.

Canarygirl1 Thu 26-Mar-15 21:59:06

Hi soontobe yes I do have my DH but he is at a bit of a loss with emotional things! My children and grandchildren keep in touch and we see them very regularly but have their own busy lives to deal with and I wouldn't want them to have to concern themselves with how I feel - they have enough to cope with.

NotTooOld Fri 27-Mar-15 12:26:34

Dear Canarygirl1 - I think you may have hit the nail on the head when you suggest that retirement may have caused your depression. It took me 10 years to stop missing my job and sometimes I still do (see something on another thread about morbid thoughts!). A job defines you, it is who you are for years and years. When the job is suddenly gone you find yourself with no true identity, or so it seems, especially as your children are likely to have flown the nest. The only cure, I have found, is to keep as busy as possible. Take on new things, find new interests, make new friends. It does get better as time goes on. Remember you are not alone!

Babs1952 Fri 27-Mar-15 14:17:42

Hilda I too found counselling very helpful when I was Depressed. We all need help sometimes so anyone suffering should seek help as soon as possible. I am planning to retire soon and I'm looking forward to it so hopefully it will be the right decision for me. hmm

loopylou Fri 27-Mar-15 15:01:54

NotTooOld, that sums it up beautifully, hit a real chord for me. I'm Not retired, just got a new job but for 4 of the last 6 months slid back into depression (thankfully mild in comparison to previous episodes)
Seeking help is the first step, and often the hardest, from your GP. It came as an enormous relief when told I was 'allowed' to feel as I did, not something to be ashamed of, but a chemical imbalance in the brain and as treatable as a physical illnes.

Hugs to everyone feeling discombobulated flowers x

soontobe Fri 27-Mar-15 18:29:54

Do you think that your children would want to know that you are struggling currently, Canarygirl1? Perhaps one of them at least?