Another surreal afternoon with my Mum!

Can't believe how many 90+ year olds want to be taken to see their parents when I visit my mother in law in her care home

In dementia care we are taught that wanting their Mum or Dad is more about wanting to be safe. We are told not to argue, after all, how can you argue with someone who has not logic?

We are told to say 'Did being with you Mum make you feel safe? Are you not feeling safe right now?' Then to reassure and distract.

Mum's named carer is lovely to us and to mum! I've told her what mum was like in 'real' life so she understands if any of us can't cope with going regularly (younger brother) or if one of us (usually me!) has to leave abruptly!

Mum's carer is black , lives in a council house and has a real Leicester accent - all the the things my racist, snobbish mother would have abhorred previously - but mum adores her! She gives the best bearhugs too!

So hard, isnt' it- and probably not the right place for this discussion- so I apologise and suggest if anyone wants to continue this discussion, to do it on another thread, NOT here, out of respect, thanks.

My mum had all her mind right to the end, but hated probably almost every minute of her last 5, perhaps 10 years. So the total opposite to my MIL.

That's my huge fear granjura, I'm just hoping that, as we don't have it in the family, perhaps I won't get it (says she with everything crossed).
My thoughts go along the same line as you when in your last lines durhamjen, especially when we're unlikely to get to choose .....

The disease my husband had meant the opposite, granjura. His mind would be okay, but his nerves and muscles would not work, so he would know what was happening to him. He didn't linger much after a diagnosis of brain cancer.
I haven't worked out yet which I consider to be worse, my mind knowing what's happening to my body, or my body carrying on longer that my mind.

Sorry if this shocks you, or upsets anyone, but one reason I do not intend to linger past diagnosis of dementia or Alzeheimers- I'd just HATE to know what my nearest and dearest would have to witness and have to deal with- having been through it all with my MIL.

We knew she would absolutely hated what she had become- totally.

I agree it's infinitely worse for the relatives in these cases and sometimes it's difficult to go along with the dementia sufferer. The chap I was caring for seemed quite content, but his daughter struggled with joining in, she naturally wanted her dad 'back'. He was amenable and seemed peaceful so long whoever's caring for him 'joined his world'.

It's not stirring things up, kitty. We need an outlet as well.
The brother in law who lives up here, and is round the corner from the home he put his mother in resents the fact that he has to visit his mother more than his other brother who lives in South Wales.
So I do not really have anyone to talk to about her, as he does not talk to anyone else in the family. My parents died 9 years ago, and fortunately neither of them had these problems.
Before I leave the home, I always have to talk to someone in order to put it into perspective. I noticed the last time I visited that when she started shouting and ordering people about, those who could walk got out of the day room quickly.

kitty please keep posting about your mum. It is good for you and enlightening for others. I have a good friend whose DH had PSP and "fortunately" for his family he only lived about ten months after diagnosis when he choked on food which went into his lungs. I used to go every two weeks with her to visit and we would never know what he would say. He may have been to the excellent restaurant on the roof or have been for an interview for a top job which he always got and would ask which railway station we had travelled to.We always came away chuckling although it was so sad for her. The thing you realised right from go is that you agreed with them and went along totally with the conversation.

My DH's poor mum suffered with dementia in her latter years, she died at 52 Our hospital visits to her were never dull! She thought the ward was a Japanese prison camp and kept telling us that the prison guards didn't treat her very well. Sadly her husband died suddenly while she was in there (he was only 58). My DH had to break the news to her but it went over her head. In her more lucid moments she would say 'Where is he? He hasn't been to see me. Has he got another woman?' My DH's brother was orphaned at 11. How sad.

Yes, Mishap your last post sums it up perfectly.

I think that for my brothers and I the fact that Mum has caused so much trouble over the years helps us not be too upset about her situation. If she seemed unhappy then it might be different.

I'm sorry if posting funny things about my Mum stirs things up for the rest of you - it isn't my intention. But obviously, somewhere deep in me, I have a need to share the experience or I wouldn't keep doing it!

We used to say mum was in her own bubble sadly as things progressed the bubble got smaller.

We were fortunate that mum never showed signs of fear or aggression. Although if she didn't want to do something no amount of persuasion would help. She had major mobility problems, so no wandering.
It was IMHO us that suffered more than her. I know from talking to other carers she was very lucky in that fact.

Husband's granny even.

Moorcott my hsband granny had a soft toy dog which she took around with her in the care home. She loved to stroke it and it kept her calm. It was good deal all round if someone enjoys it.

Morcottgirl - sometimes people who are suffering with a dementia illness ae actually quite happy in what is now their world. It is those looking in and remembering how they were who suffer. Please take heart from that.

My DH, although quite early on in his journey has the anxiety type as explained by the Psychiatrist. If someone is visiting he will be at the window for two hours and fretting as to when they will be here. If I go out, never for more than 3 hours, he will be looking for me and rushes to the door as if I have been gone for weeks. We do have funny moments when we can laugh together but they are few and far between. The most awful part for me to cope with is the lack of a decent conversation as he can't now remember and cannot hold any new concept for any time, and then we have the days when he seems like his old self and that is so upsetting.

vampirequeen, there is nothing benign about mum - there never was - and we still have her complaints about us to contend with. She is, apparently, quite happy in herself!

I asked mum's gp about her exceedingly sweet tooth and was told that , at mum's age, any calories are good calories!

For an old lady she does eat quite a lot though durhamjen although admittedly more cakes and puddings than are good for you. She likes those little meals from M&S which are an ideal size for her, but they are not cheap.
She is totally clueless as to the value of money now unless of course she is playing me for a fool

My husbands grandmother was like this. After her husband died it became more apparent that she was losing it. She had a photo of my son on her sideboard and used to tell my Mil that "a woman in a raincoat used to bring him along every morning but he never ate anything."

She used to make sandwiches for him. She was generally calm and happy though once she was in a care home. Very unlike my mother who was very unhappy and difficult to help.

I didn't realise there was this benign version. I've only known people with the horrible 'always afraid' version. My uncle constantly cried for his mum towards the end and never knew where he was. He spent his last years in fear and despair.

I hope, if I get it, I get the nicer one although I'd prefer neither.

Good posts kittylester and loopylou. You both sound very accepting of strange situations.

I wonder what happened to the Inspector of Social Care. She was supposed to be answering questions although I think most of us just expressed the stress of being a carer.

When I have the odd moment and can't remember the name of something I feel panic. Is this the beginning of dementia? And the feeling of confusion is frightening.

Trouble is, so many are in denial and refuse to go and get help from the GP.

I do pity those who are watching their friends and family starting to lose it. I know what it's like.

I feel that my Mum is mostly happy now - in fact happier, probably, than in the rest of her life. She wouldn't have liked to know that she would end up like this but is happy in the here and now!

For us, my brothers and I, laughing about the things that happen and the things mum says, helps us cope with a situation that is awful for all sorts of complex reasons.