Why do some people make you feel inadequate??

Feeling inferior to someone is an alien concept for me.

I wouldn't call feeling that I don't do something as well as someone else does it, as soon mentions, feeling inadequate. That's just not being the same as, or not having the same achievements as, which is fine.

And I wouldn't feel inadequate because of a sneering remark about my not knowing New Zealand. That's just insensitive snobbery. Who wants to be like that?

Feeling self-confident is about knowing that although you may not have achieved all that in your dreams you might have wanted to achieve, or not having achieved as much as someone else in whatever field, knowing all that and still feeling confident is about knowing that you have been conscientious about what you have done and that, if some people don't think, or even just seem to think, that what you have achieved or what you do isn't all that great, having a mental response of "well! bully for them!" Feeling confident is about being able to scorn other people's scornfulness as not worthy of getting upset about.

petra has put it much more succinctly!

One doesn't feel superior either.

Quite!
I don't get the conflating of feelings of inadequacy with moral superiority.

I would feel inadequate if I thought I had failed someone in some way - for example, if a friend or DC was having a bad time and in retrospect I could see that I could have done more to support them than I actually had.

Someone else assuming an unjustified position of moral superiority wouldn't make me feel any different about my own moral standards.

You are not inferior or inadequate. You are different . End of.

In my last couple of years at work before I retired at 60, I worked with a woman who was two years younger than me. She made me feel inadequate in every way. She was slim and attractive with thick glossy hair which she would have in different styles, all of which looked as though she had just emerged from the hairdressers (at a time when my hair had practically gone). She had two grown up children (one of each of course) who had never given her a moment of trouble and a husband who adored her. I visited her house a couple of times and everything in it was just perfect, freshly painted woodwork, gleaming windows, shining wooden floors. When my DD got married I agonised for months over my outfit and when I saw the photographs I hated how I looked. This particular lady said one day 'my son is getting married' - she had an outfit within a week and she looked fabulous on the day. If we were going on a works 'do' I would really make an effort and think 'well you don't look so bad' then she would walk into the office and I would feel as though someone had stuck a pin in me and I was deflated. She was always telling me how 'so and so fancied her' or 'so and so thought her son was her husband' etc. I really let it get to me but now realise it was my own inadequacy, my problem, not hers. Strangely we are now quite good friends.

People fascinate me. I wouldn't feel inferior, I would try to work out why they feel they have to behave as they do, or rather, why they feel morally superior (if indeed they do). People who try to convert others to their way of thinking usually do feel morally superior, and if they go about it the wrong way they get other people's backs up.

From the way you write, it sounds as if you have been made to feel slightly guilty, which would suggest that either they have made you feel awkward because they have tried to make you change you ways, or you feel awkward because you feel you ought to change your ways!

One of my sisters is very good at this. She starts preaching at me from the moment she turns up. I should be a 100% natural fibre-wearing, spiritualist vegan apparently. I used to feel guilty, now I merely feel murderous.

Nobody makes me feel inadequate. I'm a long way from perfect, I have lots of faults, I've made mistakes and will continue to do so, doubtless.

I don't give a tinker's fart if people are better recyclers, more house proud, a better nana, are fatter, thinner, richer, poorer, more religious, better looking, happier, sadder, angrier, better dressed, etc.

Why should I compare myself - that way lies madness. I'm only important to a few people in this universe and they accept me as I am. I think. And if they don't then that's their problem, not mine.

Stop comparing yourself to others KatyK you seem ok to me

I agree, you are fine as you are.

[Anya] your post makes feel inadequate. How wonderful to be so at peace with yourself.

janer, next time your sister lectures you on veganism, tell her vegansim is morally, politically and nutritionally wrong and tell her to read Lierre Keith's book, "The Vegetarian Myth". It contains good arguments on all those aspects. She might not be convinced but she might shut up. Worth a try

The author was a vegan for twenty years.

What is there to know about New Zealand?

I can think of scenery, hobbits, wine, and seafood. The odd earthquake.

Thanks bags, I shall enjoy buying her that. I am quite good at buying her books she hates.

I don't remember when it happened, all I do remember is that one day, I decided, I am me, to hell with the expectations of others - so left Ex. All that happened was that I lost the company of my few rather more superficial 'friends', all social networkers. Family were surprised that I allowed myself to put on weight and stopped wearing as much makeup. I saw surprise on the faces of friends who saw the more natural me, but they were fine and everyone got used to it - however I wasted years worrying about appearances of every kind. Life is so much less stressful now.

I wouldn't mind the odd trip to the hairdresser's, but when I have the money, invariably see something I want for my garden!

Is there a difference, I wonder, if we actually want to be in some way like the other person?

I would like to be a better cook. Though know I dont have it in me.

Does the op want to be like the other person?

Omg no, Soon!! I enjoy my slightly off the wall life, my slightly crazy friends (I include myself in that description!), my dgc think I'm fab the way I am and I love my shoes and my hair and my little frivolities. It took me a long time for me to believe that I deserved to be kind to myself. Lots of issues with my physicality made it hard for me to fit in. I do have my very serious and worthy side as well, and am heavily involved in all sorts of community affairs and organisations so I do work very hard on these. I just wish this particular person didn't make me feel like I <ought> to be like her. It does say more about my lingering self doubt than her though, I know.

I don't think it's about wanting to be the other person soon. My exSil has cultivated an aura of being perfect and, although I know she isn't, she is so sure that it's a bit destabilising. For instance, I made a really tasty lasagne and served it with a big salad. She sniffed when offered lasagne, took a minute corner but then took most of the salad and announced that lasagne is sooooo fattening.

I've yet to find myself or be kind to myself, although it's about time I did.... I think I've spent my life always trying to please someone or everyone else.
This thread has really made me think - at 61 I'd better get a move on

I empathise kittylester, some people are so toxic they are best avoided if at all possible, it's as if they just have to prove a point regardless.

Thank you Anya (your attitude is commendable) and jane. I'm going to turn over a new leaf. My life is pretty good despite the troubles of the past - I need to appreciate that I'm OK. I don't envy other people in any way really. It's more a confidence thing, along with a sprinkling of self pity which is not a good trait. Today I have been out to a nice hotel for afternoon tea with my DD, DGD, and my two lovely sisters. We were chauffeured around by my uncomplaining DH. Time to concentrate on what I have, rather than what I haven't got.

Good for you KatyK

Thinking further about it the two people whom I find self-satisfied don't actually make me feel inadequate - I just find them irritating.

Actually that is more like it really, lucky. I don't think I'm self pitying but it makes me very cross that they caught me wanting!

Each to his own but just down ram yours down my throat. We all have our methods of economy be time, money, sympathy etc. it surprises me some of the economies and non economies my wealthy friends make. So judge you not lest ye be judged.

One advantage of getting older is that I really couldn't giving a flying whatnot, unless someone really gets up my nose - then I let them know about it!

Those who take the moral high ground are usually feeling inadequate themselves so let them get on with it and have a smile to yourself and feel good in your own skin and do as you would be done by. Lots of cliches here but hey they work that's why they are cliques.

Have a good day.

Been thinking about this one. And I'd say it probably goes a bit both ways. Some of the people who have made me (very slightly ;) ) inadequate, like my mil and sil, I slowly discovered felt quite inadequate themselves, and therefore went 'on the attack' first. With sil, we are absolutely like chalk and cheese, but slowly, surely, we have come to appreciate each other's strengths and talents- she would sure hate to be me, possibly, and I couldn't stand being her- but we now enjoy each other's company and enjoy so many things together on our many holidays, like wild flowers, landscapes and old towns and buildings. That's fine.

Old school friends arriving tonight- and I thought about them too when responding. She is still looking very young, and is very slim, just like she was as a girl. I look much older and have put quite a bit of weight on. Her house is always perfect, and mine is not- but we love each other unconditionally as we are- and that's great. Perhaps, at times, she felt intimidated by the fact I went on to Uni in the UK as a mature student, and achieved many things she didn't? But if she did, it wouldn't have lasted, because friendship goes far beyond that.

Admiring what somebody else has got or achieved is ok, and is not always 'comparing' or judging- just accepting the differences.