who holds the pursestrings?

That Family Allowance was 5 shillings when the second child was born,there was nothing for the first. Not much to fritter was there?

We have joint accounts and my wages used to go into them, helping with children holidays etc. now I have a pension I decided I wanted to have my own little bit of cash, without the husband saying what do you want that for. It's worked but taken me 45 years to learn ?

Like some others, we married in 1961, and had a joint account. I was given £5.00 per week housekeeping, and don't remember being hard up. I gave up work when we had children and stayed home until the 70's, when we had another addition, our Autumn Crocus, bless his heart. The family allowance I received was considered mine to do with as needed. I certainly remember hearing that the Family Allowance was all that some women could call their own, and a hue and cry when it was suggested that this would change. I had never thought about other housewives being so cruelly treated. My own parents shared all expenses, as we did and do now. I do have my own bank account, but if something were needed, the money comes from wherever, and we consider it all in a melting pot, as it were. By the way, my housekeeping has increased, probably as Pensionista's

pensionista said:

Please remember ladies it is often unnecessary shopping or demands to keep up with the Jones, which means hours more of overtime that get many males down, so let's have more give and take and a happy life.

I have to take issue with that statement, I'm afraid. Perhaps you need to have a frank discussion with your wife, rather than somehow lumping all ladies together as irresponsible with money. I honestly think gender has nothing to do with being sensible with money. The reality is, men can be equally guilty of wasting hard earned cash on unnecessary purchases.

Let's face it, which gender is more likely to spend more down the pub? Which gender is more likely to gamble? Which gender is more likely to spend money on a flash car?

Congratulations pensionista on 60 years of marriage. Times were very different then as I know well, having married in 1958. I do hope your wife has had a very good rise from that 30 bob, perhaps as much as a fiver!!
I had £6 a week and we lived very well out of that. It bought food , my fares to work and I think perhaps clothes but I'm hazy on that. It would hardly buy a joint of meat these days. Keep your independence girls (ladies,women) insert as appropriate.

When we got married in our 40s I put a large capital deposit into our house purchase & DH paid the mortgage & bills. Until we retired we both kept our own accounts. (My previous alcoholic spouse made me very wary of having a joint account!)
When we retired we set up a joint household account to pay for food, drink, utilities & meals out - although we do occasionally treat our each other to a meal. We also have a joint a savings account in which we put a monthly contribution towards holidays. We both have good pensions which means that we both can maintain individual accounts for our personal use.
My first husband had a very large salary & I stayed at home for the first 5 years of my children's lives. I had housekeeping money & little else. However when went back to work I had a 'just in case' secret savings account & am so glad that I did!
Reading this post back it all sounds a bit smug but my experience of crying in bank manager's offices & pleading with the building society not to take our house away when I was in my 40s; made me wake up to the need for financial planning.
And yes Skittle - your friend's daughter is being abused & the word slavery comes into my mind!

I notice all the comments once again seem to express the female views of so many males being selfish.

We were married in 1956 (60 yrs ), the first thing we did was set up a joint account. My wages were paid by my wife into that account to meet all household bills etc. We agreed on a small amount as pocket money for me.

Her wages went into her own account to pay for extra's like her personal woman products, holidays savings and clothes for us both as jointly agreed.
When the children came along it slightly changed because she has to give up work. So the clothes and holidays came out of my earnings which had improved. We transferred 30 shillings a week into her account to meet her needs and extra bills.
That arrangements has continued right up to today, though she gets now more than the 30 bob. It has worked well for us both.
Please remember ladies it often unnecessary shopping or demands to keep up with the Jones, which means hours more of overtime that get many males down, so let's have more give and take and a happy life.

I also heard that if a husband is the one who 'controls' the money then have a 'just in case ' pot of money unknown to him. If things go wrong for any reason then they would at least be able to tide themselves over for a few days/weeks. Thankfully I've never had to do this.

We've always had joint accounts, and I always controlled the spending when the children were small ( I didn't work for many years). The Old Man would always ask if he could spend some money, as his reasoning was that I would be the one to know if the children would soon be needing shoes, clothes, or whatever.
Nowadays he's a bit bolder about spending without permission!

We've always had a joint account. Our finances have varied, sometimes DH has earned more than me, sometimes I've earned more than him, and of course I had time at home when the children were small. Now we are both retired his pension is bigger than mine, but we carry on as we always have. We each spend money on ourselves but we know that neither of us is going to be stupidly extravagant.

Lyndyn you reminded me of my own daughter who when she left a very abusive relationship had stashed 'running away' money for over 10+ years. Just coppers but it added up to a few hundred pounds. I think lots of women in abusive relationships do it. She said it was more than the money it was keeping hope alive.

My husband and I have always shared our money because we trusted each other not to waste it or get into debt.

This story Skittle told us, who started the thread, is about a mean, selfish man whose wife trusted and agreed to stay home and raise the family and he is letting his family down by giving them a pittance to live on while earning a good salary and meeting his own needs. I suggest she divorce him and get herself a good lawyer but he most likely won't pay maintenance.

It sounds bigger than a little woman thing.He sounds like he is trying to control her, at least on this issue.

Mum never told me about 'running away money' I found out that many many woman had a secret stash many years after I had run away, with my secret savings!

My 2nd hubby was in debt when I met him, that has never happened since as I manage our finances, but we have a joint account which we both have equal access to. Savings are broadly similar, but I do have the lions share. Nothing is secret though, also I have always been a saver, whereas my hubby used to believe money was for spending, but as he has got older wants to spend less.

My children all have separate accounts, transfers are done dependent on the proportion of salary they earn, so they each have their only money. Seems a good idea to me, and it appears to work well for all of them.

skittle, this behaviour is marital abuse - only recently decided though.

my daughter suffered from this for years from her husband - having to beg him for money to buy food for their two daughters!! unfortunately I didn't know anything about this but, when she left him [long and sorry story] she and my granddaughters moved in with me.

after consulting a solicitor she discovered that marital abuse is grounds for a divorce and, when the time is right, she's going to go ahead with a divorce on these grounds.

she's had an awful time over the past 10 years and, unfortunately, I only knew about it two years ago when she got to the end of her tether and told me.

We started off with a joint account but for the last 18 years we've had separate ones and divided up who pays for what - I was always the higher/only earner so it suited us better to have the two accounts.
When DH became self-employed he opened a business account too.
It seems to work well, even if I paid for holidays, presents, Christmas etc etc.
That'll change when I hopefully retire in a few weeks, DH will be the higher earner ? I do think he might be in for a shock!
Obviously we've discussed this so let's see how it goes!

My FiL used to be paid in cash once a week and sit down putting an amount for gas, for electricity, rent etc in different envelopes and then put some in an envelope and give Mil her 'wages'. I told DH I was not going to live like that and we either had a joint account or I kept my salary and he could pay for everything like his father. I was earning more than him at the time so he was happy to agree!

At first he looked after the finances but I discovered we were overdrawn and paying interest so I took over. Since then it has been straightforward and we are both happy with it. We don't pay interest to anyone, now it is paid to us.

I keep a spreadsheet of where our money is so it will be simple to understand if I die. I move our money around to get the best savings rates and DH simply signs whatever I give him and assumes it is OK. That is trust. He is always surprised at how we manage to save and help out the DCs.

I don't understand how couples work out who pays for what fairly unless they earn exactly the same. I heard a woman on the radio say that if they didn't have their own money she would be unhappy if her partner bought a present for an ex-girlfriend but couldn't understand why it mattered where that money came from. Do they pay bills in proportion to their income? Do they pay half each?

DH has never asked me how much a dress or pair of shoes cost and I have never had to hide anything I bought from him. We discuss major purchases but just buy anything else we want without asking each other. I spend more than him on clothes, he spends more than me on sport.

The only advice my mother every gave me before I was married, 45 years ago, was always have a separate bank account.

What's his is mine and what's mine is my own.
We share it really. My earnings generally pay for treats mostly on darling grandchildren, Holidays, Christmas etc. His pays the bills, food. I've never had to ask him if I can buy somthing for myself. We do discuss big purchases. We promised each other that we'd never get each other into unaffordable debt and we've kept that promise.

I deal with all the finances, because DH has no interest. It has occurs to me though perhaps he at least ought to know all the passwords etc. I have suggested this but he never bothers. We bank online so he really ought to make an effort and find his way around the system.

We have always had a joint account, even when I didn't work. I suppose it comes down to a matter of trust, DH knows I wouldn't spend on what we didn't need and mainly it was me who kept an eye on our finances. When I went back to work I did open my own current account which my salary went into, and that way I could save for holidays, Christmas, extras, clothes etc. If we have had work done on a house at any time he has kept a spreadsheet of costs (down to the smallest paintbrush) but otherwise he is very easygoing about money (although he always comments on which garage has the cheapest fuel and how much gas or electricity we have used each week !).

I can remember going to a coffee morning in the late 1970s and the conversation got round to money and all the other women were talking about asking their husbands for money and the problems that involved. I shrank into a corner and kept very quiet because until that moment it had never occurred to me that families still worked like that.

The other thing that surprised me was that most of the women present were graduates and had worked at professional level in a range of circumstances and I could not understand how they could have ever agreed to play such a subservient role in their marriage.

We married when we were very young (45 years ago on Friday!) and I managed our very meagre income from my husband's job and my part time work. This went on for years right through having children and running a business. We had a joint account and he never bothered what i spent - I too found it strange when friends and family had to repay money for something they'd bought. When I started working independently I had my own account for my wages and have paid for the extras we have had such as furniture, carpets, Christmas and holidays while my husband's income pays the household bills. A few years ago he decided he wanted to take over the finances so I handed it all over to him which he keeps meticulously on a spreadsheet. He never questions what I buy with my own money which is just as well

I suppose it is naïve to think that situations such as mentioned by the OP no longer exist but sadly there will always be relationships where this kind of behaviour happens. It is abusive and should not happen.

The first time I became aware of this kind of thing was years ago, back in the 70s, when I delivered some goods to someone after a 'plastic box party' and was waiting for the payment. The woman had to present the bill and the items to her husband and ask for it to be paid for. Her husband sat there with the accounts book open in front of him and questioned her about her order and why she had placed it and all this was done in front of me. I was so sorry for that poor woman and just saw red and (once I had the cash in my pocket) gave him a piece of my mind. It was pretty graphic!
That man actually rang my husband to complain about my behaviour would you believe?
DH told me about it when I got home and when I asked him what he had said in reply he just shrugged, said he couldn't help laughing and said he had told the irate man that it sounded to him as if I was spot on. Brilliant!
I often wonder what happened to that poor woman though and whether their four boys took after their bullying father.

As for us, we have joint bank accounts and since retirement my DH manages our finances. We discuss what we buy and neither of us are extravagant, not much that we need really, although if it was something that was needed DH would insist on quality. We always discuss any purchases and I would not buy anything that my DH was not entirely happy about and he would respect my wishes too.

We have a joint current account, a savings account and I have a separate business account for the business I own/run, which is in my name only.

As I have always earned about 6 times as much as OH and he is - by his own admission - not good with money (he was in debt everywhere when I met him) I have always handled all the finances and bills, although he has never had to ask me for money and large financial decision are made jointly.