who holds the pursestrings?

Skittle - that husband sounds a little like Rob in the Archers. One to be watched?

My husband was a bit of a control freak around money and when he retired he became worse. I fought his attitude every inch of the way and managed to get a joint bank account in the early days of marriage.

When he passed away I was thrown into a nightmare of money worry which I eventually managed to sort out through a haze of grief.

He left me comfortably off (bless him) but I really struggled with the money side of things, pensions, direct debits, banking etc., at a time when I just wanted to shut myself in a room and cry.

He was a war baby and that generation of men can be very secretive and controlling around money. He would change Insurance Providers and utilities without telling me so you can imagine what I had to sort out.

He also left a small debt which I didn't know about and had to pay off from his estate.

I remember saying to him "I'll be up s--- creek if anything happens to you. He smiled and replied "you'll manage" which I did.

LOVED HIM to the stars and back but I would like to have been more included in the money side of things.

Hattiehelga, it really is a matter of trust. Trust and Respect, as my husband says. Those two words encompass something he believes in very deeply - he even included it in his speech at our wedding reception in 2002. Because we trust each other and work together we've found ourselves to be better off in retirement than we ever were in all the years we had good jobs and marriages with partners who weren't really on the same wavelength in financial terms. He's just used some of his investments to pay off the car loan, and feels good about that, a sense of achievement.

The 'trust' between us wasn't always there - he had to learn it. In an earlier marriage the joint account had been his to pay into but hers to plunder as she chose. I persuaded him to have a joint account we could both tip into for joint expenses - council tax, utilities - those kind of things. He wasn't sure at first, but it has worked well, and any surplus is used for things like the 2 new tyres we got at the weekend.

What Jan727 writes about has neither trust nor respect.

During 53 years of marriage we have always had a joint bank account and never had to ask each other for permission to make a purchase. This has worked very well for us and is so simple. I have to say that keeping an eye on the finances has always fallen to me and I suppose it is a matter of trust. I know though that this would not work for everyone and that some couples prefer to have money in their own name. You just have to agree on what's best for you but one half of a partnership should not be the Controller.

Jan727: "I pay for eyerything out of my pension. My partner is unemployed and on sick pay-£52 a week! This all goes on his tobacco and motorbikes! the power steering has just failed on the car and will cost £650 to repair His answer-you pay as it's your car and he uses it more than I. My pension is just enough for one person but he ignores that. What can I do?"

Dump him.

Whose house is it - his or yours?

As someone else has said, this is a form of financial abuse.

Thank God I never got myself into that kind of a relationship. Either I'd be gone, or he would.

We've always had a joint bank account and even pooled our money before we were married. Although we were earning about the same when we moved to London, my husband got promotion and his salary was quite a bit more than mine from then on. I have a reasonable pension but his pension is a lot more than mine. He doesn't mind what I spend but, because I don't contribute as much, I don't feel so comfortable as him about spending large amounts of money.

I think it's up to couples to organise their finances as they think fit and by agreement - some people prefer to have their own separate accounts plus a joint account for household outgoings. But I think it's totally wrong that a man should pocket most of his salary and give his partner "housekeeping". Even if she doesn't go out to work, she is still working. Such an arrangement suggests to me that the man is very controlling and selfish, and likely to be mean spirited as well as mean with money.

jan 727 If your partner does not make a proper contribution to your joint household budget, stop feeding him. Just cater for yourself. He should be able to feed himself quite adequately on £52 a week.

I would consider a relationship where one member is living off the other, even though they have an income of their own, no matter how small, was an abusive relationship. I would contact Relate and arrange councilling, ideally for you both or if that is not possible, you may like to go on your own and consider the future of your relationship.

jan727 I think you need to make a one hour appointment with a money specialist at the Citizens Advice and go through your budget. This will help you decide your income and expenditure as a household and then perhaps see what is fair. Hopefully your partner will be able to get employment in the near future. At present you seem to have a very tight budget.

Hope things improve for you.

I did all the finances when DH worked. On retirement he took over. I used to put £250 in a desk drawer every week for spending. It was topped up when needed. The only thing I feel slightly aggrieved about is that now he draws out £200 and leaves it in his wallet. I feel about his wallet as he does about my handbag and although when I say such and such is in my bag he will bring it to me whereas if the window cleaner needs paying he says it's in my wallet and expects me to get it. Odd but I think it's laziness . I've taken to drawing out money whenever I go out

NB: Mobility-friendly bathroom with walk-in shower.

I agree. Time has moved on. Thank the Lord we're no longer in Victorian times, when the change in a woman's purse and the clothes she stood up in were 'his' property! Nevertheless, seemingly this item comes up even in modern generations.

DH and I each have our own pensions and annuity payments, earned in our own right. We each have our own internet banking and we do pay into a joint account which is for all 'joint' expenses i.e. council tax, domestic utilities, insurances, car expenses. There's always some left over so yesterday we replaced the 2 front tyres out of this money.

We both have individual savings, S&S ISAs. DH is just cashing some of his to pay off the car loan, which will save him £190 a month including interest.

We plan all major expense between us. Next thing is: complete refurbishment of bathroom to make it a mobility-friendly bathroom. DH used his credit card to pay the £6K deposit and I intend to cash some of my S&S ISA to pay the rest of it when it's done, in April.

Now we're in our 9th decade we really don't want any more debt, hence paying off the car loan and planning to pay for the bathroom ASAP between us.

Holidays etc are paid for between us.

I would not stay in the kind of relationship described in post # 1. I'd be gone. What century are we living in, and what have women fought for over the years - my generation in the 70s?

Sorry, 'money' not 'moet'. Is there a correction facility?

When I was younger I saw how my father controlled and cheated my mother through money. He insisted she worked and used her cash to pay bills and buy ephemerals while he saved capital sums with his - once buying a cottage for £1000 cash. She was kept short and dependent and when they divorced had nothing so she had to have two jobs and work all day and all the evening to pay for my sister and I. I vowed never to marry and to look after my own money.

Well, I was very lucky and found a better man than my father. My DH and I had a joint account and finances from the start and paid two professional salaries into it. The moey has been uneven throughout as I had hundreds in a grant when I was a student and he had a weekly income. Then, throughout our working lives he always earned more than me but then will have a lower pension when he retires.

We are both frugal ( though less so when we both worked) and neither begrudges the other anything. There was a tricky time when I took early retirement and he was still earning a good salary when he found it hard to adjust downwards and I was being very self denying but we sorted that out. It was a bit of a shock, however, to see a previously fair man watch me go without while he splurged. It makes you realise you cannot ever take your eye off the ball.

I worry a bit about my DD and her partner as they only have a shared bills account and have different spending characteristics. She earns the most by far but is a spender. He earns less but has a lot of savings from his parents and inheritances and is very 'near' with his cash. Still, it's none of my beeswax and they would resent interference.

I run our accounts book with an eagle eye on day to day spending and have retrenched considerably since I retired. We share the banking ( telephone banking only as Virgin One kept cancelling our PIN number leaving us unable to access our online account until the new one came a week later) and we are both involved in all financial transactions. It works for us.

Ah sorry about that

Drat. He only does apps for Apple. Practically seems Android-phobic! His app gets very good reviews, with people asking him whether it will ever be available in Android, and he replies:

"Life's too short"!
"I'm the wrong person to ask"!

...and so on.

Fab, thank you, Hazel.

Granny knot I use an app by Graham Hayley. It is not a spread sheet and is very easy to use. Just type his name in an app search I do all the accounts on this Oh hasn't a clue about money so trusts me to keep us solvent.

Does anyone know where I can find a basic (simple) budget spreadsheet, please? (I'm not very good with Excel).

Don't worry, I sort of know where the money goes, I would just like to do it properly over a period, as a snapshot.

We've always had separate current accounts, but we financially support each other if and as needed. And we always "pay ourselves first" that is pay into a joint savings account.

It's surprising how many of us grans do the financial stuff, rather than our husbands/partners.

I do all the research about ISAs and savings accounts and move money around to try and find the best interest rates. Not easy in the current climate!

Most of our savings are joint, though ISAs obviously separate, and I also have a small savings account which is very rarely drawn from.

We are both savers rather than spenders, and discuss big purchases, but usually agree.

Like whitewave above I make most of the financial decisions as DH has no interest and I have more knowledge in that area, though we split the bills: I pay the insurances, TV /broadband, credit card and the council tax, he pays the utilities by direct debit as well as household maintenance such as decorating and repairs. He won't use internet banking so I pay anything else online. Our living expenses all go on one credit card which we pay monthly, getting "cashback" rewards.

I didn't work for years when my children were small but went back and retrained when the youngest was 5. I'm pleased to say that I earned a state pension in my own right, though my private pension is very small as I often did contract work. I've always had some money salted away so always had a little money to spend, but didn't have enough to contribute much to the household budget until later.

Like many people of my age I inherited some money, long after I actually needed it. For this reason we now spend what we can to help our four children (all over 30) - we'd rather spend money on them and their homes now than make them wait until we die and the tax man takes his share. At least we can see them enjoy it!

I pay for eyerything out of my pension. My partner is unemployed and on sick pay-£52 a week! This all goes on his tobacco and motorbikes! the power steering has just failed on the car and will cost £650 to repair His answer-you pay as it's your car and he uses it more than I. My pension is just enough for one person but he ignores that. What can I do?

That sounds like my parents who were married in the 40s. DH & I both had our own accounts when we got married and carried on with that, though it was never yours/my money and we never had housekeeping, just went shopping and paid what it came to. We changed to a joint account when we had the children and I stopped (paid) work. I do all the banking and make sure everything tallies, etc. To be honest, my DH doesn't have a clue how much we have in the bank, though we have internet banking so he can see at any time.

I've always been the one who is most sensible with money. I hate waste, with a vengeance. I've stopped DH from using his credit card to run up bills and pay interest. How wasteful is that? I actually paid my first DH debts off, when he managed to spend a massive amount, with nothing to show for it. We were about to lose our family home when I found out.

That was the case for most of my friends and neighbours in the UK in the 70s- and I found it quite shocking.

Personally I would never have accepted this kind of 'servitude', and OH would have never expected it- even for the many years I didn't work. Surely that is something that should be clear before marriage? We women can be our very own worst enemies. But I was always very careful with money as we didn't have much, and 'made do' a lot, second hand everything, made the kids' clothes, etc.

"he gives her a pittance as housekeeping and she virtually has to go to him on bended knee every time one of the children needs something"

isn't that what is nowadays considered a form of financial abuse?

It happened to me 40 years ago and the marriage ended in divorce.