Thoughtful Posting

Sorry merlotgran I didn't realise 'newbies' had to serve a period of time before being critical. Could you give us some idea how long this is?

jingl it's interesting to note that you have previously flounced off (do you have a special flouncing dress?) So clearly stuff can upset you too. I was going to ask if you had a key set up on your computer which automatically writes ' grow a pair' when you press it, as it seems to be a favourite put down.

I've now criticised two people. I don't think I've been particularly personal. I hope I haven't been boring. I actually hate confrontational situations - I'm not used to them and if they happen I brood on them. This is not to say I can't be confrontational - and as I'm large, loud and have a great command of language I usually come out on top - but I feel there are other ways of making your point and accepting that other people have their right to a point of view ( even if they are wrong).

I certainly don't think new posters' views are any less valid than those who have been on here for a longer time. Indeed, sometimes new eyes can see things more clearly.

I shall now retreat behind the parapet, put on my helmet and studiously ignore the flak ?

FFS Polly grow a pair.

Face to face in Real Life does everyone tread on eggshells and plan their answer carefully before they reply? Do any of us never say anything without weighing up the effect of all those listening?

I know that in general I try to be subtle about disgreeing, to attack the statement not the speaker, and to keep quiet when I think someone is being a prat/whinging/hectoring but occasionally my inner thoughts seem to appear in print without any conscious decision on my part.

Most threads are good natured, but some stir up strong feelings. There are a few individuals who are very confrontational, and others who have only one viewpoint, which they hammer unmercifully, but most posters discuss rather than pontificate. Very often, an exchange is between posters who have disagreed on the subject many times before, and will never agree. People who have been here for years avoid some threads automatically, as you avoid certain subjects with real-life friends - there are real people I would not raise religion or politics with for example.

In Real Life, when joining any group, one waits to suss out the dynamic before making too many assumptions, and sticks to bland topics for a short while. Telling them that they are doing it all wrong is not the best introduction - unless one wants to be one of the confrontational ones from the start. In that case, pots and kettles come to mind.

Anya thank you.

Let's hope the post stays and people engage with it as intended, rather than playing games.

Nonnie it is indeed easy to offend by accident and always good to make amends if we are aware and able to do so. It is so easy to use the written word as a weapon and some people find it hard to own that they do that and even harder to apologise. The sad fact is people are sometimes hurt and when this happens in the public arena it is all the more painful.

I can see both sides.

I think there are all sorts of people in the world. If posters are in site guidelines, then I cant see anything changing.

Well put, Elegran.

I'm new to GN too, but although a few comments have wound me up I've never felt the need to PM anyone or to get on my high horse.

The concept of GN is far bigger than any one or two individuals who like to have their say in an unpleasant way. Maybe they are a bit too full of their own important, but that's what it's like in any club or society. I guess the times we become over sensitive are related to unkind comments regarding things we hold dear to us - like our children/grandchildren etc. I stupidly got upset when I posted a photo because I thought people were saying my docile puppy was ferocious and would eat my grandchild for lunch. I later realised all they were trying to point out was that they would never leave a child alone with a dog .... of course the baby couldn't have been alone if I were taking the photo from two feet away, so I should have just laughed off the "horrified" comments.

The written word IS powerful, but I am happy to discuss, and even argue, providing things don't get personal.

Who called me "my dear"?! I didn't notice that!

#shootemdowninflames

To my mind, as people eventually come over from mumsnet, the site will be like that one, which will make this one and thread look very tame.

"Well this has filled a dull morning."

!!!! This is the time my morning starts!

I came up from Mumsnet. Proud

Oo I was told to grow a pair as well.

Yes, I would say the same things to people's faces in a debating scenario.

Quite a few gransnetters know who I am so I'm not completely anonymous. My husband knows who I am on GN too. Any embarassment on here is my own fault so if necessary I apologise and then move on, as I would in "real" life.

No, I wouldn't mind my views being repeated in public. (They already are in public, btw; Gransnet is a public forum).

It would be interesting to know how many of the more confrontational members have come from Mumsnet.

Not me, but then I'm never confrontational anyway! ??

I've only skim read this thread but wanted to have my say before jingl's prediction comes true.

I agree with Merlot. Would those of you who don't like the way the site has evolved under those of us who have been here a while , walk into your local WI (or whatever) and complain that you didn't like the way they ran things?

We are what we are - a kind, supportive, loyal, funny, argumentative, opinionated bunch of (mostly!) grandparents who say what we think. Just like in real life! We welcome newcomers who are prepared to join in with how things are and do not complain when they don't get the answers they want.

We don't like being patronised either!

A pair of what?

Elegran "In Real Life, when joining any group, one waits to suss out the dynamic before making too many assumptions, and sticks to bland topics for a short while. Telling them that they are doing it all wrong is not the best introduction - unless one wants to be one of the confrontational ones from the start. In that case, pots and kettles come to mind."

I have read this three times and am not sure if it it a pointed post at the OP or a generalised comment. Many newbies state they have been watching for some time before venturing to post so have not come straight in "Telling them that they are doing it all wrong" so it would be wrong to suggest they want to be "one of the confrontational ones from the start". I remember when I joined there were some very bullying controversial posts and I made a less well put comment and was shot down in flames with comments such as 'if you can't stand the heat..........................

When " "In Real Life" one joins a group, waits before expressing an opinion, and then politely gives their opinion and is attacked for so doing one is either likely to leave the group or fight back. Either way it is an uncomfortable place to be.

I am not criticising you "Elegran" just explaining how it can be confusing sometimes and taken personally when that was not the intention.

'. To see ourselves as other's see us '

Having read through can I say at this early stage of the thread perhaps a reasonable point is being lost because some posters who are purporting to want to see a more sensitive, less sarcastic aggressive way of posting are ironically posting in a manner which emulates those they are chastising. I have no problem with that but it is showing irony at play again.

If I know elegran, which I do, it'll be a general comment, nonnie

Was thinking the same thing, pogs, though admittedly I didn't read very far into the thread before posting my tuppenceworth. Chuckle.

Marmight here is a clue. He is likely to have big ones.

HTH.

'Likely to have'. .

Yes, it was a general comment. Aggressive pacifists are an oxymoron.

If anyone makes a polite comment which is greeted with an attack, then the best response is to post "Don't jump down my throat for expressing an opinion!" or something similar, and then ignore it. Don't leave the forum because of it - it is just one person's reaction and may be because of a misunderstanding, or how they got out of bed the wrong side.

If it is a personal attack rather than an over-strong argument, and if it continues, then report it to GNHQ, using the "report " button above the post. They will look at the post and its context and take appropriate action. It may be deleted, and in extreme cases the poster may be suspended for a while or completely banned. It may not, of course. GNHQ don't interfere unless they feel that the guidelines have been broken, or the poster has been gratuitously insulting