I remember a school friend who was rather prim, and whose father was a very respectable leading light of the town business community. For some reason the class had to bring in our birth certificates for some red tape or other, and of course we all unfolded them to read. She was very puzzled - someone must have got her parents' marriage date a year out. Then light began to dawn and she sat silent and very embarrassed.

Oddly enough, an old friend of my parents had known her father as a delivery boy on a bicycle, and I had already heard that "That X was always a cheeky blighter as a lad!"

I can remember a close friend of mine in 1965 gathering her small group of pals together and saying in an embarrassed voice, 'Our Anne's getting married 'cos she has to', and we were all quite shocked (we'd have been 13). There were several girls, or their older sisters, who this happened to over the next 5 years or so - without thinking hard I can remember five or six. Most of these marriages ended fairly soon. There were a couple of cases where the girl did not get married (too young, I think, in one case; possibly the man was already married in the other), and while this was a seen as a Terrible Thing, people got over it, and the girls kept their babies. So I think attitudes were softening a bit by then.

The tale above of the couple who had to hide the date they were married is one that made me think of my friend and her parents. Her mother and father would have got married in the late 40s and the mother was already pregnant. But she never told any of her family until she was in her late 80s and a widow - she had to wait until her husband died before she felt she could 'confess' to her brood of adult children, who of course did not mind a bit, and were just sad it had been a source of agony and secrecy all those years. My friend said her parents never celebrated their wedding anniversary though they were married for over 60 years and so could have done the whole silver, golden and platinum thing.

I suspect that is what happened around me TriciaF. When I was at school, it was unusual to have older parents, so perhaps some parents 'had' to get married.

Maybe it depended on the social circle of the family involved. Where I was living in the 60s I don't think there was much of a stigma, but there were a lot of "shotgun weddings".

I can remember a local family being rehoused (from a council house) to a town 3miles away when their daughter got pregnant. She must have been about 15. We lived in a small village and everyone knew all about it. This would have been circa 1950.

jing

I don't doubt for one minute about the stigma, but on reflection what I find strange is that I started school in 1965 and throughout my entire school life in Scotland and England, I don't remember anyone who was from a single parent family. In Scotland I lived on a council estate and attended the local RC schools, so it's not as if I had a privileged upbringing. But children can be so cruel and yet I don't remember anyone being picked on for being illegitimate or not having a Dad around. Being poor and wearing the 'wrong' clothes, etc., yes, but not for being illegitimate. I must ask my Mum about this subject to see if she can jog my memory.

That baby's got wind.

I remember Eveline Home. And how the National Home for the Unmarried Mother and her Child was always put forward. I used to wonder what that home was like. So glad my family was poor but loving.

I'm going to ruffle more than a few feathers here. Yes, I totally agree that attitudes in former decades were cruel and inhuman. Although it wasn't always the case - in the mid-fifties a second cousin, through ignorance and naivety, became pregnant and her parents helped bring up the child until she eventually married some ten years later (not to the unknown father).
But I do get riled at the irresponsible way in which single women get pregnant without the financial means to care properly for the child, apart from benefits. Within my extended family a couple have been together for twenty years or more, three children, and remain unmarried because they can't afford the sumptuous wedding which seems to be so necessary nowadays. Madness! Obviously the term 'illegitimate' is outdated as a cruel stigma on children who through no fault of their own were born to unmarried parents, but if Mum and Dad aren't married then why should their children do otherwise - marriage leads to a more stable society (and no I'm not a Tory!). I suppose n future everyone will have a double-barrelled surname.... (

The worried face of that baby in the photograph! Says it all.

Of course there was stigma about this in the 1960s. My sister fell pregnant towards the end of that decade when she was just 19. She and her then boyfriend must have sorted it out between them (quite mature, come to think of it) because they hastily got married early in March and the baby was born in August, I am her only sister (and was her bridesmaid) and was completely in the dark, didn't know a thing. It was never mentioned again. Now when I look at her wedding photos, it is clear that she had a little bulge, the "Princess line" dress was wonderful at hiding things. My gran made the dress! So she must have known.

Weird. I shall ask my sister, now long divorced, about it when I see her again.

My SIL was adopted in the 1960s and her story is very sad. Her mother was the daughter of a serving officer and the girl got pregnant by an 'unsuitable' Turkish man. She ran away to London with him and had the baby. The man went to prison leaving her and the baby penniless and she was given an ultimatum by her middle class, respectable parents:- give up the baby for adoption and you can come home. So the baby was given away and adopted at the age of 14 months.

The adoption was never really successful as the new parents were old and old fashioned, having adopted her as a sister for a son who had arrived in their 40's. My SIL was a bit wild as a child (genes?) and ended up running away at the age of 13 and then attempting suicide.

My SIL had two daughters by different fathers and brought them up herself on benefits. She reconciled with her adopted parents but relations were difficult as they were never really compatible. She sought her birth mother and found her but the mother, having become highly respectable and now having two adult sons who knew nothing of their half sister, rejected her for the second time. My SIL, in my opinion never got over this. It was truly cruel.

The final chapter is surprising. This Christmas my DH had a letter from his sister, my SIL, to say that her Turkish father had traced her and is eager to see her. She has many half brothers and sisters and she is corresponding with one of the sisters and will meet her. I couldn't be happier for my SIL though it is all a bit late as she has had her mental health wrecked by the whole sorry business. Nevertheless, her daughters are lovely and she has four grand daughters whom she loves.

Speaking as someone who was illegitimate and given away to foster parents at 2 weeks old, I can testify how dreadful it was growing up with that stigma. Many years later I met my real mother and discovered what a lovely person she was and how dreadful the pressure was when she discovered that she was pregnant. Her parents were completely unsupportive and said she could only return home without the baby.
She really didn't feel that she could raise me on her own, my father having fled.
This was in the late 1930's.
Thank goodness that no such stigma now exists and it doesn't matter two hoots whether your parents are married or not.

I don't know if anyone remembers agony aunt, Evelyn Home, writing on the back page of Woman. If a reader wrote in saying she was pregnant Ms Home chided her for her selfish act of "anticipating marriage" and she now had to get in touch with the National Association for the Unmarried Mother and her child. How brutal that seems now. If a reader was having marital problems she would describe herself and her husband as "living like brother and sister". How things have changed..

My cousin got pregnant in 1968 , she kept it a secret from her parents until she was 6 months gone and couldn`t hide it any more . She was sent away to a friend of the family , had the baby and then returned home . Her brothers and sisters never found out and it was never spoken of . So it was bad for some even in the sixties , there was still stigma attached to being an `unmarried mother` .

cornergran, my mother dealt with the rumours by taking to her bed for most of the last half of my pregnancy. We lived in a small Scottish village (having moved there when I was still a child), and so I don't suppose, to be fair, that she'd created a supportive network of friends that might've helped her deal with it all. She was quite a reserved person. One day, however, she did go into 'town' to buy me a maternity smock and skirt with expanding waistband! It was of the dullest, muddiest colours you could imagine! She then stayed in the house once more, and Dad did the shopping on the way back from work. It's strange, thinking about it all again. My mother had been illegitimate, too. She'd been brought up by her grandmother, while her mother (16), who had had plans to go to university, had to leave school to go to work in service. This was 1924. My mother hadn't known her grandma wasn't her mother until she was in her teens, herself. I can only imagine that having this happen to me, was really hard for her to bear.

Deciding to bring the date of our wedding forward by 6 months triggered all sorts of gossip. My father took some convincing I wasn't 'in trouble'. Once convinced he fought our corner with the gossips who were finally convinced by my very slim figure on our wedding day and in the following months. That was late 60's in East London. Some very entrenched views. Had I been pregnant there would certainly have been a battle, huge shame and such anger. I admire your courage Marelli, I'm not sure I would have had your strength. It seemed impossible to deal with rumours and I can only imagine how much worse for you.

The attitude of the pregnant woman's parents was, and probably still is, a very important factor. The community she lived in was also of course relevant to how she was regarded and treated.

Many couples who 'had to get married' had long and happy marriages but some young women brought up their children without a partner.

It was perfectly possible to be an 'unmarried mother' in the 60s and for a child to be 'illegitimate' although that particular word was not necessarily used. 'Single parent' is better than 'unmarried mother' because it covers various circumstances. Anyway, who, apart from official bodies, nowadays knows, or needs to know the status of a mother or of her child?

The National Association for the Unmarried Mother and her Child offered advice and support, it was in Kentish Town and was run by Pauline Crabbe, a wonderful woman.

Jinglbellsfrocks .I would beg to differ ! I was in one of the homes and they were everything that's been said about them ! Never forgotten .

I had a very supportive social worker, thankfully. She was as good at standing up to my parents as I was!
Also, I'm so grateful to a wee student nurse who brought my baby to me one morning. This was the first I'd seen her since her birth, as she was to be adopted, and my parents decided I should go straight home from the maternity hospital and DD would go to a foster mother. When the young nurse brought her to me that morning, I told her that I wasn't allowed to have her (all the other mothers' babies were being brought in from the nursery, too). The wee nurse briskly replied, 'Of course you must have her, Mrs. Marelli (always Mrs!) She's yours!' That was it, and the rest is history, as they say!

My DS1 was an unmarried dad. The relationship broke up for various reasons but when he went to work abroad, I kept my relationship with the mother and DGD and her half brother going. Eventually DS and (then) fiancée came home to work and my DiL is now a wonderful stepmother. DGD graduated 2.5 years ago and now lives with DS, DiL and her two younger siblings. There are so many broken families nowadays that nobody ever commented on her coming from a single parent home or on the fact that she's mixed race. DS2 and his partner have been together for 22 years, never married and have two lovely DSs. The fact that they use different surnames doesn't seem to faze anyone. It was very different in the late 50s when a cousin became pregnant though she got married just in time for her daughter to be 'legitimate'. There was much rolling of eyes among the older generation.

Me too, Ana. I'd have thought it was about 50/50 married/unmarried now. When my DGS1 was expected in 2012, only one person expressed any prejudice at all and he was a religious nutter had mental health issues. Everyone who overheard his rant about how this was a disgrace that would never happen to his daughter was gobsmacked - and extremely sorry for his obviously embarrassed wife and the poor daughter in question!

I'm amazed that anyone would turn a hair at a young woman having a baby without being married in 2009!

Marelli, good for you

Such sad stories but thank goodness things are now so different.

Marelli - I truly admire your courage.

Very sad reading some of the above stories. We adopted our DD in the eighties and she also became an unmarried mum in 2009. Our DGD is a greatly loved and very much wanted member of the family. However, prejudice is still very much in evidence and from an unexpected quarter I've discovered. I, too, was very moved by the plight of the unmarried teacher in Call the Midwife and agreed with the Mother Superior's comment about how lightly the father had got off, (as usual). Strange then that the people in our circle who seem most indignant about our DD's circumstances are MEN in their 60's. Of course they can't possibly know what a young woman would have gone through to have had and kept her baby in the face of such hostility. Maybe they feel a little guilty that they may have got off lightly in the reproductive stakes or realise that they wouldn't have had the guts to stand by a girlfriend if it had happened to them!

Well done Marelli