Ageist 'compliments'

.... but you weren't invisible. I think all this invisibility business is nonsense. I haven't noticed anybody overlooking me or not taking any notice of me when they should - and I am very definitely old (I am in my 70s).

You didn't Indinana - those boring men did and soon found out!

On a certain occasion last week I would have liked to have heard a slightly patronising comment rather than the hard truth!

Picture this:

Co-op car park full of huge pot holes full of filthy rain water. Driving rain pelting down. Taxi belting along regardless of the pot holes. Me waiting for the taxi to pass by so that I could cross over to my parked car. Nearby, a couple of not that young chaps, 40s I'd say. Taxi sends up a tsunami so I had to step back pretty sharpish or get wet through with filthy water. Chaps started jeering at the taxi driver and one shouted "What the f* you doing mate. There's an old woman trying to get across!". Chivalry is not dead! I looked around and realised that I'm the old woman. I've been told that I don't look my age and dress in funky outdoor clothes, so now I know, I'm just an old woman! All delusions smashed.

Gosh lucky you. I didn't have 'years of predatory males trying to hit on me'

#wheredidIgowrong

Sheila Hancock once commented about becoming invisible as you get older. I can't imagine that this wonderful lady could ever be invisible. I find it quite restful a lot of the time to be invisible. After years of predatory males trying to hit on me it's a relief (probably because most of the males I meet nowadays are beyond it thank goodness and probably why I am with someone 15 years younger!).

I get on very well with my DCs delightful friends when it's one to one, but as soon as they are en masse invisibility creeps in and I'm the lady that makes the tea - or pours the wine - At one recent party I did have a meaningful ie. setting the world to rights, conversation with a husband but he was much older!

However the upside is that their friends talk to them about their super mum. So that makes it all alright!

Patronising younging down remarks from the world at large are irritating but just not worth getting exercised about.

I agree, which is why I find it odd that so many people object to being called 'dear', even when it's done in a perfectly friendly way (i.e. not obviously sarcastically or disparagingly).

Using endearments to people are not ageist because the people who use them usually use them for everybody, regardless of age and condition.

In a day centre for old people that I volunteer at, some of the workers call any person they are dealing with 'darling'. It is not patronising; it's a way of showing they care. They do care. All the people who work there show great respect to all the people who use the day centre.

The shopkeepers in convenience stores can be let off. It goes with the territory, and they are usually very kind.

The man in the convenience store yesterday said " how can I help you, young lady?". As I'm not a young lady I did feel insulted for a few seconds but I got over it. It's just something he says to everyone. Just females presumably.

It's people who don't know me (in shops or during phone calls) calling me "dear" that really irritates me. I don't mind quite so much from someone my own age but find it really patronising from younger ones.

I dislike it is because it reflects in the speaker the stereotype and prejudice that older people are fighting so hard to overcome and means that someone else my age is going to be treated less well because they are thought to look their age while I am expected to be pleased because I am going to be treated better than I otherwise could expect at my age because the speaker can opretend I am 10 years younger.

We cannot object to the obviously offensive attitudes to older people if we do not also object to the equally prejudiced remarks made to us in the guise of compliments.

I'd absolutely love it, Monica!

Blimey. Doesnt bother me MOnica...

What I hate most is being told I look much younger than my age. I don't. It is just that the person saying it has a stereotype in their mind of what someone my age ought to look like and fails to realise the older people get the more different they look and there is no stereotype for any age.

I wouldn't really object to any of the 10 things listed to be honest, though yes, I'd rather be called Madam, or love, or pet, than young lady. And yes, *NanaandGrampy", being called Ma'am by a cowboy is just the best, especially if he tips his hat! Forgetting things at my age? Yes, I said that myself today at the optician's when she realised I'd been wearing my contact lenses in the wrong eyes for the past 6 months You don't look 60-whatever years old? I'd take that and thank them. Being described as adorable? Well, I am

The only time I can remember bristling was when I took something back to M & S as it was too big and the assistant said I could order a replacement online if I could get someone to show me how to do it..... She was a sweet young thing though, so I let it go (is that ageist and patronising? )

Suggest that you look at the lyrics of the song "My word, you do look ill!". I don't mind being called "Young Lady" . . . hope I am a lady, and it's nice to be called young, especially when I feel about 120!

I don't often take offence when endearments or a certain familiarity is used by strangers. It just depends on the context. I think there is sometimes a fine line between an approach which is intended to be friendly but might be perceived as presumptious or insensitive.

Actions speak louder than words though. I realised that I must have lost some of my youthful rock chick image when a much younger woman offered me her seat on a crowded London train. Admittedly I was swaying around a bit with a heavy backpack on. Had I not been getting off at the next stop, I would have taken up her offer.

It was a kind gesture and I appreciated it despite the jolt to my ego.

I'd like to wish you well with your treatment and recovery pambo99 and take your point about 'trivial' discussion topics.
However in fairness to GN in general, I suggest that, if you post your concerns and worries on an appropriate thread you will find sympathetic posts galore, perhaps along with advice on coping in your situation.
It's not that posters are ignoring serious issues it's simply that this thread's op started in a fairly light-hearted way and previous comments were completely acceptable for discussion.
Many of us will vouch for the fact that GNetters can provide lots of experience and support and I hope you'll find that here.

In my professional working life, I used to be addressed as 'madam', which I liked! Colleagues used to call me Mrs H, which they wouldn't have done if they didn't like me.
Here in South Africa I get 'ma'am' which is also nice.
In the north of England 'love' is a term used generally and is not patronising.
Often it is the tone and who says it which gets me. I was once called 'duck' in Stoke on Trent when I was there in my professional capacity and even that was acceptable because of the tone.
In shops etc I think customers should be called 'sir' or 'madam' whatever their age!!

It is not the 'shame' of old age, it is the shame of those that patronise and get irritated with those with the problems of age or disability.

Sorry wrong thread - meant after pic of 'sprightly man'?

Love it? Maybe we are all taking ourselves too seriously - it's usually someone's manner or tone that is the giveaway if they are using a derogatory term - wouldn't matter what they said but how it was said!

Evidently a number of posters have never experienced what I think of as the " shame" of old age: when you heave your arthritic body out of an armchair and let out an involuntary fart; when your hearing is so bad it's easier to nod and pretend you can follow the conversation because those with perfect hearing get nowty with repeating themselves; when you're out for a walk and your slow pace evidently irritates your companions... I could go on... But this is nothing in comparison to what really disabled people have to put up with.

JBF, totally agree. To quote Shakespeare ' Dost thou think, because thou art virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and ale?'

There is room for everything in this life, light hearted moans about being patronised in old age, serious complaints about social justice and frivolous ones about clothes and Christmas.

But I do understand wherePambo is coming from. When DD was seriously injured in an accident and the best plastic surgeons the NHS could provide were in consultation to try and save and rebuild her arm, I felt ill when I read an article about cosmetic surgery, the thought that people could be so trivial as to want highly qualified surgeons like this to augment their breasts, or staighten their noses when others like DD and other patients even more seriously injured needed their skills to rebuild bodies damaged by illness and injury, disgusted me. An over-reaction at a stressful time.

Pambo I hope all is going well with your treatment