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General Moan

(24 Posts)
over60plus Sat 02-Apr-16 14:25:50

Just returned from holiday went away to celebrate a milestone birthday, had a lovely time but my husband bought me a nice card but never mentioned a gift so I said a gift would have been nice gave enough hints about handbag would like, his response just go and buy what you want yourself, not the same at all, but after 55 years of marriage never had a gift from him feeling fed up

Alea Sat 02-Apr-16 14:31:16

Did you really think he would be different this time? You probably hoped, but can't have been surprised.
Ever since DH was seriously ill 8 years ago I have either had to organise my own present, or a DD to "organise" him and I have never had a card. sad
It doesn't mean anything, some men take the trouble, some men don't. Most women DO.
flowers from me and belated birthday wishes!!

Bellanonna Sat 02-Apr-16 14:37:15

Perhaps he thought of the lovely holiday as being a special gift, and he did give you a nice card. If he's the kind of chap who doesn't usually give you presents then I suppose you have got used to this over time, and just because it was a milestone birthday didn't really make any difference to him. My DH used to ask me to get something I liked, and he'd pay me! How unromantic. I understand how he feels and he always goes out of his way to do something special on the occasion and to give me a card with a lovely message. But as for gifts, I don't expect one, and am happy to enjoy the fuss he makes in other ways. Don't be too fed up, if you've been with him for 55 years something must be right....?

pompa Sat 02-Apr-16 14:37:24

I'm sure he loves you, some of us men just aren't good at the gift thing, including me. I always end up buying Chanel 5 .

mollie Sat 02-Apr-16 17:22:31

Mine never buys birthday presents and only really manages Christmas if I I put a list on Amazon and it can be bought and delivered without him leaving the house. It's disappointing, isn't it. But he's not saying you can't have the handbag so take him at his word and treat yourself from the joint account. Happy birthday flowers

M0nica Sat 02-Apr-16 17:40:59

DH comes from a family not into cards and presents. He waits for me to indicate what I want and then he buys it. I have friends with romantic husbands who give them lovely surprise presents, but I love DH for what he is, not what I might like him to be.

Badenkate Sat 02-Apr-16 18:35:52

Wasn't your holiday your present? I guess it depends on who organised it.

Maggiemaybe Sat 02-Apr-16 18:41:51

pompa, that makes you a top husband, in my humble opinion!

morethan2 Sat 02-Apr-16 18:42:57

My husband of 40 years buys the most hair raising insulting presents you can think of. I've had socks, a printer apparently we needed a new one! ( so buy one. Don't buy it wrap it and give it to me as a present " an array of kitchen untenils. A teenage type game for a game station we don't own. Sanitary products, If I ask for somthing he will buy it for me but I have to be very very precise. It was and still is a huge family joke. When I was younger I'd get very disappointed and upset. If I'm honest I just don't care that much now. I like a day out and a meal.

Penstemmon Sat 02-Apr-16 18:56:04

DH and I tend not to do wrappable birthday gifts any more but do organise to do something. DH organised a weekend in Prague to celebrate my 65th and I got tickets for us to go to see Ross Noble for his birthday! At Christmas we do a Secret Santa with the family so each person buys just one and receives one gift so DH does not usually buy a gift for me!

Maggiemaybe Sat 02-Apr-16 19:13:00

That sounds just like our set up now, Penstemmon. Our birthdays are just four days apart, so a special joint trip or event often covers both. I still wouldn't say no to a big bottle of Chanel as well though.

annsixty Sat 02-Apr-16 19:18:07

I am sure that this is a universal problem. My H has never organized a present or anything in 57 years of marriage. He has always had a party or break away for every significant birthday and a meal out for ordinary ones. He was 80 last Wed and his dementia meant a very different day with just family but enjoyed by all.
For his 65th we had 2 weeks in Antigua and I bought him a Gucci watch from duty free over there. My 65th went by unmarked as usual but that is what he is like. I suck it up and if I fancy something I go out and buy it. In the past I would also book a restaurant and have taxis to take us. What is the point in being bitter or fretting I knew all this before we married.

rosesarered Sat 02-Apr-16 21:30:47

Well, I am disappointed for all of you....all those years together and the husband can't be bothered to buy either cards or a decent present?
Are you all so kind natured that in the early days at least, you never made a fuss about it?
Men may not be very good at present buying, but they can certainly try, and after all, they know you better than anyone else.If all else fails, they can buy flowers, chocolate, perfume, surely.

M0nica Sat 02-Apr-16 21:31:55

I knew all this before we married Exactly!

NanaandGrampy Sat 02-Apr-16 21:42:44

I would be horrified if this was my DH.

I'm sorry but there is no excuse. I've been married 40 years and DH always buys me something for my birthday ,Christmas etc. More importantly , if he didn't we'd have words. It's not hard is it? Flowers, chocolates, perfume at a push. Or listen to me, I'll always say what I'd like .

I buy him something thoughtful , and this is a partnership , so I expect the same back.

I'm sorry but if your DH can't be bothered then don't reciprocate . In our house what's good for the goose is good for the gander smile

Deedaa Sat 02-Apr-16 21:43:33

Well I've had 46 very similar years. At most he would get one of the children to get me something. Actually that worked quite well because they know what I like. This Christmas he amazed me by presenting me with a lovely necklace of fossils that he'd found online. I expect we'll be back to normal next Christmas.

fiorentina51 Sat 02-Apr-16 22:25:59

My DH once bought me a very nice copper bottom saucepan for our anniversary. It never happened again! Actually, he's very romantic. I regularly get flowers, always get a surprise for my birthday and Christmas and every year since we married 42 years ago he hides something in the Christmas tree for me to find. Mind you, he freely admits that he's running out of ideas now. 😊

Lona Sat 02-Apr-16 22:37:22

My first husband used to buy me diamond rings, gold bracelets, a fur coat, Cartier watch and more, as surprise presents.
However, he was a bullying, unfaithful abusive ba***rd, so on reflection I would have settled for a card and some flowers from a good and loving man. sad

Imperfect27 Sun 03-Apr-16 07:04:41

My first DH was very good at buying elaborate, quite expensive and apparently thoughtful gifts, and there were quite a lot of flowers -not just for special days and anniversaries. My second DH did not do much for birthdays or Christmas at first, but we talked about it and he realised it was actually important to me. We live quite frugally, rarely go out / spoil ourselves, so a treat for birthday/ Christmas is all the more welcome. What he needed was not just ideas, but some specific pointers towards what I would like - yes, THAT top from M&S, THAT pair of earrings etc. But over time, he has gained confidence and now makes his own choices for me. We often joke that he is 'trained' now, but the reality is he listened and realised it was important to me - not the monetary value, but the thoughtfulness. - and he made the effort. He very rarely buys me flowers, but when he does, I am touched by the gift. With my first DH, I now see the frequent bunches of flowers as his way of feeling less guilty about his dalliances!!!

annsixty Sun 03-Apr-16 07:48:15

I suppose I loved my husband for his many many good points not what I could expect from him ijust at certain times of the year, and that is why I am looking after him now in very difficult circumstances.

Penstemmon Sun 03-Apr-16 07:53:00

DH is a thoughtful gift buyer and I have had some fab gifts from him. We decided that we had enough things and together decided on "events" as gifts. They are surprises as we do not plan them together.

Imperfect27 Sun 03-Apr-16 08:31:19

annsixty YES. And that was a lesson I needed to re-learn as gifts had a very different meaning and value in my first marriage. I think with DH2 we have met halfway over time as gifts are very much more modest and I have needed to separate that from denoting 'value of the person / relationship', conditioned as I was! The best sort of 'gifts' are when he makes a particularly tomatoey sauce for pasta - this is my preference, not his, or when he runs a bath for me without me asking. He has silently taught me a great deal about 'little things.'

harrigran Sun 03-Apr-16 12:33:41

DH is very generous with birthday gifts, handbags, jewellery and perfume and always a card with sentiments that make me cry.
We do not exchange Christmas gifts.

Nonnie Sun 03-Apr-16 13:05:20

I wonder why you thought things would be different this year?

DH always buys me presents, just not quite 'me'. Yesterday we went for the 'experience' he bought me for Christmas, hovercrafting! I think I had made it quite clear it was not really my sort of thing and, as we were going to the theatre afterwards I had suggested that my hair would not like being under a crash helmet. When we arrived at a wet field in the middle of nowhere I said that as he had given me the gift I could do what I liked with it? He agreed so I made him do it instead!!

I am not a 'pink' person, do not like pale pink at all and everyone knows this, last year he bought me a pink electric toothbrush when there was nothing wrong with the one I was using! Bless him he tries, but he so often gets it wrong.

Not all men are like this I have 2 DSs who are brilliant at buying just the right thing for whoever they are buying.