The kindness of strangers.

Someone said on another thread that if you wouldn't choose your family as friends then let them go. . . . I have toxic in laws, apart from one, and they deliberately think the worst, cause trouble. I promised DH nearly 50 years ago that I would be a loyal DIL and after MIL's death when, like grandmattie, I was excluded from the funeral cars (fortunately I had a lovely SIL there who drove me) I said right that's it I'm done! Not like me at all but I just give up on them and leave them to it-I could write a book about their deliberate trouble making. And I hate the way they have a go at DH when he has hasn't done anything. If we carried on with them we'd be on Jeremy Kyle ?

I love the old adage:
A stranger is a friend that we haven't met yet.
to you Ruby and Hugs too, albeit virtual ones.

too to whoever set up this wonderful site. Thank You.

I'm struggling with your first message. And have only glanced at other comments. I apologise now if I've got the wrong end of the stick.
You say that your family , i.e. mother , brother, sister, haven't been in touch to see how you are. Presumably they too have been affected by the bereavement?
Have you got in touch with them?

I feel for you Ruby. It is very hard. Give contacting your nearest [or even dearest] one more go - if you have no sympathy from them, keep them at arms' length. Life is too hard to put yourself in the way of more rebuffs and unkindness.

Phoebes, I have found great comfort in being told that "loving my neighbour" means not wishing them ill; at our age, life is too short to spend time trying to get unkind people on board.

I found much the same from my family when my mother died. My sister who arranged the funeral excluded me from everything, including sitting near the front at the ceremony - I was put well behind BiL's sister! It made me SO ANGRY that I almost forgot my sadness. Also she called the old lady "MY mother" even when talking to me.

My children were extremely upset at my treatment by her.

I sent her flowers and later called, rebuffed and ignored. So now I have the least contact possible without cutting her off entirely. I can't deal with the constant rebuffs and piercingly unkind comments about me in front of me, in public.

I'm glad you've found so much kindness around Ruby. You certainly need it at this time. Glad, too, that Gnet has been helpful. You know we are always here for you. Don't worry about the family for now. They were the same before, I think? Concentrate on the good vibes around you and try not to dwell on negative family attitudes. I agree with everyone who says kindness is important and luckily those who don't possess it are in the vast minority. Love to you Ruby.

and Jesus said "Love one another" and "Love thy neighbour as thyself". If everyone did that the world would be such a fantastic place!

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm glad that the kindness of strangers is counter-balancing your bad experience with your family.

Rubylady,

I'm sorry for your loss and the hurt you have felt, but cheered by the thoughtfulness of strangers you encountered.

I love this quote attributed to Henry James - Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind, and the third is to be kind.

I am sorry for your loss, and pleased you have found some comfort along the way from others, Ruby.

But are your mother, brother and sister not also grieving? They may be thinking you are ignoring them too. Maybe a phone call or text from you may help.

I read somewhere a long time ago. . . Not to avoid the bereaved or those you know are struggling and just say something like "I'm sorry to hear of your troubles". That's worked very well I've found.
And saying "what do you need" and "how can I help" are useful phrases too.

On my only trip to the USA, my late husband and I took a train from NY to Washington. I went to the refreshment car to get some lunch and handed over my credit card but the lady behind the till was unable to accept CCs. I apologised and said I would put the food back on the shelves but she insisted that we couldn't spend 3 hours on a train without sandwiches, fruit and coffee and told me it was to be enjoyed "with the complements of Amtrak". What a kind gesture to a foreign visitor!

When I'm about and about I always try to be pleasant to everyone I come across especially if they are working (shops,cafes etc ) we don't know how their day is panning or who they have just dealt with. In turn I hope that if I'm not feeling particularly great that day then maybe I in turn will receive that smile or time of day . Have to add though in original post the term' inmate ' conjures up in my mind a place like - dark,satanic mills ! I worked in a prison for 9 years and even then we didn't call them that .

I am so glad that you have received kindness and help. We are a kind and compassionate nation for the most part, and I have always been so grateful for the way that people have behaved when I needed help and support.

I think it was the Dalai Lama whose simple instruction was 'Be Kind'. What a wonderful and straightforward path for life.

I think Sunseeker and Printmiss are right, Ruby. People feel awkward and don't know what to say to you when you've had a bereavement. I have felt like that a bit. So they end up seeming uncaring by avoiding contacting you, but probably your family do care very much and don't quite know how to show it.

Perhaps you could contact them and say you miss seeing them and maybe invite one or two over for tea or morning coffee and to catch up on things?

Some people don't know how to deal with illness or bereavement. I had a life long friend, we had known each other for years, went on nights out together, went on holiday together and at one point even lived next door to each other. When I was diagnosed with cancer (now in full remission) she never spoke to me again, yet another person who I only knew vaguely immediately stepped up and offered any help that was needed. When DH died I had lots of friends rally round to help but once the funeral was over many seem to have disappeared into the ether!! However, I do believe most people are kind they just don't know what do. My sympathies for your loss - as you say GN is a great place to get support.

Thank goodness you had so much kindness Ruby. I wonder if perhaps your close friends and relatives find it hard to contact you, because they simply do not know what to say, which is I think rather selfish, but it does happen.

What a time you have had recently Ruby and I am so pleased you have had some kind people around you.

It is so hurtful when people you expect to be on your side, like your family have deserted you and that is cruel. An Aunt of mine who I had been very close to didn't come to my aid when my dear dad died. I had expected her to be my lifelong friend and she wasn't. I did ask her some years later why and got an odd answer which didn't ring true. Heyho that's life.

Love and supportive thoughts from me and your GN Pals (if I may speak for others).

I agree kindness is so important and it is heart warming when you come across it in all sorts of places. Your family may be thinking that you haven't phoned them to see how they are too, Ruby.

ruby that's a lovely post. I know what you mean because I am a true believer in the value and importance of being kind.

I've posted about it on GN before, and there were some negative replies about "do-gooders".

But I think we all recognise true kindness when we experience it. I'm on a committee at the moment which is new to me, and was asked to be Acting Chair. I accepted but felt nervous. One of the other members must have sensed that, because she has been paying extra attention to me. And her kindness has made all the difference to how I have coped.

to you.

I think that is part of the nature of the country actually.
We would much rather give money to charity[strangers] than financially give to someone or something local.

Of course, I should have mentioned all your kind responses and good wishes. They helped me tremendously too and I did re read them a few times. Only I consider you as friends and not strangers, as you're always there for a laugh or a shoulder to cry on, that is a true friend. Thank you to you all.