Friend envy

I don't have any friends in the real world. I can initiate conversations and come across as friendly but I don't know how to do friendships.

Even as a child I didn't have many friends and by my teenage years I had people I hung around with but they weren't friends. At work I had colleagues.

I have friends in the virtual world but it's not the same.

My lovely aunt used to say 'Most of my friends are dead' in her mid 80s. She lived to 104, still taking an interest in family doings and sharing poems and jokes. I was shocked when someone in her early 70s said it to me last week. To be fair she's unable to get out as much as she used to due to a medical condition.
A friend of 90 makes sure she has somewhere to go every day and has plenty of friends. I have friends in many places whom I used to see IRL but now only on Facebook. Life and family took over I guess and,now I have plenty of time, mobility issues.
I'll look at Streetlife!
Michel and DD - it's the D that gets me, sometimes so inappropriate! I think it did come from US, I first saw it on Flylady.com.

Perhpas we who have moved around now regret it - but do we really? When you consider that we have seen so many places and that stretches and broadens the mind. When you consider how you have grown as person, coped with being new and learned to stand on your own feet and be self sufficient.
This maybe one of the reasons why its hard later to make friends with these stay-at-homes.

If you're feeling lonely this ia no comfort but I wanted to explain how I feel about it. If I could live my life again I would do the same, I always wanted to get away.

I totally understand how you feel Willow I lived in a few different places in UK and overseas during my married life I have been static for the last 30 years and do have friends I have found a number of old school friends and we eat out once a month but really have zero in common except our LONG LONG ago schoollife I have two 'best' friends one who has a lot of health problems so doesn't go out much but we have lunch once a month when she's well enough and one who has other friends she does things with I love them both but don't feel I have anyone to do things with ...... I have never truly felt I fitted in anywhere..... I know that doesn't really make sense,,.,I m chatty with strangers but shy inside and have often gone into my shell Since my last partner and I split I ve lived alone and feel it gets harder and harder to socialise I ve done all the group stuff but find people often join with their friends anyway and I have sometimes been sat in cliquey situations ....I d love to go on a little holiday, I have been on my own but it's not so much fun . My daughter who lives in my town is good and takes me out but she is on her own, her partner died and she's is in a similar situation to me has friends and workmates but no one to do stuff with....it's hard

And Michel55 I also get confused with all the initials and spend minutes trying to interrprutate them I know writing the word husband takes a few second longer than DH but so much more preferable to me

michel - sorry you find us difficult to read, it's just a sort of shorthand, really. You soon get used to it.

Minder recommends chatting to people 'whether they think you're mad or not' and I so agree. I'm always talking to people and it is very rare they don't respond in a friendly way. However, I was standing next to a young Japanese man in Poundstretcher last week, we were both examining balls that flashed when you bounced them. I said to him with a grin 'Just what you've always wanted?' I must say he gave me a very peculiar look, so it doesn't always work.

We've moved around lots and I sometimes envy those who stayed put in their home towns and so know nearly everybody. On the other hand, we have friends all over the country even though we don't see them all on a regular basis. Unfortunately this means I have a hugely expensive Christmas card list but it is worth it!

It is hard to join things on your own but you just have to do it if you want to make friends. Find out what's going on in your locality and join anything you are vaguely interested in. After a while you can drop the ones that don't suit but hopefully by then you'll have made a pal or two. Be open and friendly, smile a lot and look interested. If you're stuck, put an ad in the parish magazine or similar and start a book group. You could have the first meeting at your own house or try the local pub, they're usually very happy to have a group of people, especially on a slack mid-week evening.

friends

Where I live in Germany its common and desirable to have your friends from Kindergarten or primary school- As a newcomer you can't hope to break into these circles and they all speak dialect so that cuts you out anyway.
Things have moved on though and we new arrivals make frinds with each other but it takes time.

I can understand your predicament, I was born in a small fishing village in Scotland, moved to England when I was a child, moved around a lot within a large city then moved back to Scotland with my first hubby and two daughters. Because of constantly moving around, I never made those close friendships that seem to last for ever. Now, I do have friends where I live ( although I seem to be the one who does all the visiting or organising meet ups), I don't have any 'close' friends that I can turn to for anything. Most folk up here have a kind of 'history' to their friendships which I cannot seem to emulate. It can be very hard and do kind of yearn for that closeness other folk seem to have with their pals.

Willow, sorry to hear of your sadness. How about trying NWR (National Women's Register). Google it and find your local branch. I know it can take a bit of courage to go along on your own but once you make contact a member will support you, especially on your first visit. Meetings are held every couple of weeks in members homes and you can attend as few or as many as you like. In my experience you will be given a warm welcome and you will find many new and interesting experiences to come out of this.
Don't judge yourself from past friendships but know that future friendships are out there waiting. And Social Media can be 'smoke and mirrors'. It is easy to think that everyone else is having a marvellous time but you do not see the 'back story' behind these stories and you may be placing too much importance on these. I wish you luck in getting out there and meeting new people. You sound like the sort of person someone would be happy to find as a friend!

You're not alone. Having moved two years ago I'm stung when people say "I have so many friends I can't keep up with them" What I hear is "I have don't have time for you" Please try not to be the one that says that. Fine when you've lived somewhere a long time and have layers of friendships from family living close, colleagues, playground friendships and neighbours but hard when you're new to an area.
U3A and volunteering excellent - but still meet people who are too busy to breathe
Glad I'm not alone too. Thanks Gransnet - thought I was becoming bitter and twisted!

MargaretX - I like that quotation. I've just had an example of it this afternoon, when some neighbours have offered to help us with a problem. We've helped them in the past a few times, it's like mutual support.
This is different, though, from having a close friend of the same age, probably gender etc, with whom we can share current experiences and feelings.

And you're modest too, Jaxie!!!??

I agree with michel55 about the abbreviations, they sound twee. I moved to a small town in Dorset and thought by joining local societies, including U3A, I would make friends. Unfortunately these organisations are so cliquey that I haven't been able to penetrate the friendship groups. I have lots of women friends, one in my town, but the rest live miles away. I'm hoping when I actually join a U3A class I'll meet some soul mates - I might even teach a memoir writing class as a means of meeting like- minded people. In my defence: I'm a very outgoing type, considered to be quite an amusing raconteuse, so maybe the people I'm meeting are a bunch of bores.

You wouldn't have time to do everything on 'streetlife' here in Southend.

Our Streetlife does recommendations and lost (then turned up again) cats mainly. But one lady has set up a "friends" group on there for people who want to meet others, and it seems to have taken off. There are about 20 of them meeting every month locally at cafes/bars at lunch times, with occasional evening meets. So it would be worth looking at your local one.

The Streetlife.com in my area concerns itself with finding recommendations for cleaners, window cleaners and the like. Very entertaining and imformative....NOT.

Hi Willow

Where do you live? Here, in Cheltenham, a friend who felt much the same as you when she first moved here, put a card up in a local shop asking if there were any other relative newbies in town who'd like to meet up....and now (10 years later) there is a thriving informal social network for those who have moved to the Town from elsewhere. Some people have joined having lived here for several years.

So- yesterday I met up with a couple of others to go to the cinema (Love and Frienship - brilliant). Friday I'm meeting up with a couple of others for lunch, there's always a morning coffee meet up on a Saturday...and someone else has spotted a local NOT Glastonbury for the weekend at a local pub, bands, food, children's entertainer, dog show...

Next week the Science Festival starts and some of us will go to those events. There's a brilliant free show at the IMJINN Baracks for the Queen's birthday.

It does take a bit of effort but it is well worth it.

I've looked on STREETLIFE.com and see that there are other social network groups that meet initially for a coffee/drink & then arrange other things too. Have you looked online in your town?

I have also moved about and have always been busy with 4 kids and now grandchildren. So with 3 sons, 1 daughter, 2 DsIL and husband and GC I don't seem to have much time for friends. I think I have a mistaken image of myself and I see people my age as old and tend to get on better with people 20 years younger than me but they are at different stage in their lives as I am newly retired. I think I am a bit mixed up.

I second meetup. My DD moved and knew no one, she joined a meet up group, made some great friends and the love of her life. They are currently looking at properties planning on buying their first place together. Mind you I am not suggesting you go looking for a new man but just demonstrating the power of meet up. My DD says the great thing is everyone is looking to make good friends so you are in an ideal group to meet people, some will become friends and some won't but that's OK.

But if that is waht Social Media want, it doesn't work does it?it doesn't work does it? because so often it just makes people feel lonely.

I'm going to try to translate a saying of Epiktet( A Greek)

We need friends, not because we need them
but we need the certainty that we could call on them
If we needed them. Epiktet

I found this in a little booklet of wise sayings which was in the Charity shop I work in.

I have mixed feelings about FB - it's enabled me to keep in touch with one son's family and also other relatives who I otherwise would have no contact with. I've found people I went to school with on there and also a couple of cousins I knew nothing about. I belong to 3 local groups and enjoy looking at photos of where I used to live and reminiscing about the places I remember as a child and teenager and I've just now watched a live interview with the astronauts on the ISS with Marc Zuckerberg which was fascinating. On the other hand it upsets me as I've already said when i post something and get no response especially from my other family in NZ who will have nothing to do with social media, or see parties and outings when we don't have people around us to do the same. Those who have hundreds of contacts can't possibly know them all so I do think they cultivate friends and acquaintances of other contacts just for the sake of it - if it makes them happy then go ahead - 1 like from my granddaughter is worth 150 from complete strangers

I was my husbands best friend, he was mine, I always had a few close friends, but things change, my husband and then my best friend died, my other friends still have their husbands to do things with as they are newly retired, we never had a retirment. I have tried really hard over the years to make new friends, but it is not easy. They are friendly aquaintences but have come to the conclusion after one new friend disappeared on holiday with someone she just had just met, that my old friends would not behave like that and I couldn't put up with that behaviour just to have company, so I guess I have become a bit of a loner, I come across as very outgoing and friendly, but spend loads of time on my own. Most of the time I am happy with my own company but wish I had one of my old friends to talk to as I used to. After an extremely busy life when I used to crave just 15 minutes on my own, I can't believe how it's become like this. I wouldn't change a minute of my time with my late husband, would do it all again, he would hate me to be lonely and I try. To be glad of what I have and had.

Social media is a [not] so subtle marketing ploy to make you feel lurved

Not a participant, its all about peer pleasure. So sad

Oh Monica what you say about FB is exactly what I feel and have always felt. (but dared not say on GN) It is actually not possible for anyone to have hundreds of friends and I'm sure it causes a lot of envy and expensive wedding bills to put on big show.
MY DD2 is also a good friend to many people she has a certain charm and attracts people but she herself said at 18 that she would have small party where everyone could really talk to everyone else. We as a family are not on social media and don't miss it.

As for groups.There are many groups e.g choirs or sports clubs where you have good time as long as you attend -but if ill no one calls to see you. You exist only as a club member. I have sung in choirs (church choirs mostly)all my life and have a large circle of people I know well but no close friend in any choir. I joined to sing not to find a friend.
I am more likely to find friendship with neighbours than in groups.