Son-in-law's behaviour in my home

Being an "Aspie" myself,I agree with *Nelliemoser" about your son in law probably having a mental health issue that causes his behaviour.Does your daughter happily live with his routines and idiosyncrasies?Has she ever complained about them or said that she finds it difficult to cope with?She has probably just got used to his ways and accepts them.I would definitely ask her about this if I were you.
His behaviour is probably part of his character make-up and although I understand your irritation,I don't think it is worth rocking the family boat over.I would think twice about moving near to them for the time being though,especially as you have other reasons to stay put.

I agree with Nelliemoser. It sounds like either an anxiety disorder of some kind or some sort of spectrum condition. You will probably make it worse if you don't go along with it.

It might be worth doing a bit of research online as to what causes his behaviours (with the usual scepticism about online information) as you may find some advice as to how to deal with it. Most people don't micromanage to this extent so I feel that you will probably need to give him the benefit of the doubt and think about how difficult it must be for him to be that anxious all the time.

My ex son in law was (is) very controlling and I had to put my foot down and tell him that he wasn't married to me and what I did in my own home was up to me, likewise how I spent/spend my money is also up to me unless I ask him for money. It is very easy to let our children and their partners slowly rule our lives - we usually don't want to make waves in case precious access to our grandchildren is taken away from us. Perhaps the solution would be to say they prepared their own breakfast/lunch when they are ready but everyone sits down to dinner together? If he asks about prices of things try a light hearted response such as 'Well, I could tell you but then you'd know as much as I did' and simply refuse to discuss it further.

Just take the bull by the horns, so as to speak! Be assertive in light hearted manner. If he is asks about lunch being ready at say 1 , just reply " maybe" if he then continues to badger just say it's ready when it's ready and that's it and walk away and as for asking how much something costs... Sorry national secret!

Wait a minute ! You can't suddenly turn on him after 10years , you will need to be careful , next time he starts ..make a joke , ask if he is ok , just ignore him , even do the opposite . When he reacts just stay calm and explain that you have your own routine and like to do things the way you do when he is not there , and DO NOT move nearer

This is a difficult dilemma, I feel it might be useful to have a quiet word with your DD, asking her if she has the same issues at home, I think my main worry would be that she was experiencing this level of controlling behaviour when you are not around.
I would definitely not move closer, you need your own interests , but you could possibly offer to have your daughter and grandchild stay when you know your SIL is working.

It has to be 'this is our house so you do things our way' and stop bossing us about.

Maybe nobody has stood up to him before. About time someone did!!!

He sounds like he might have Aspergers or OCD to me. Lots of these behaviours are interelated.

I would suggest he possibly cannot function himself without his "routines" or gets very stressed and anxious if there are any changes. Maybe it's his own anxiety about changes which makes him seem controlling rather than actually wanting others to do what he wants.

He does not seem to comprehend his lack of social skills in not recognising that asking people about their finances is innapropriate.
If he is into the "fixed routine" thing I think he might be difficult to change.
Say NellieM who recognises some of these behaviours from her OH.

Oh dear-I'm an Archers fan so don't like the way this is sounding at all. . . .

Cherrytree59 - thanks for your questions.I do now think SIL is controlling with my DD as well - her brother too has noticed on many visits that what SIL says goes a lot of the time. However, both DD and SIL have jobs, and SIL ensures he shares housework and child care equally. He also gives her equal freedom and opportunity to go away/see her friends and family without him (unlike a previous boyfriend) so it has taken me longer to come to this conclusion.

My DD mostly ignores his behaviour when they stay with us.

DD's MIL is a key influence, I think. She has been very pleasant and hospitable to us too; but is also controlling and manipulative.Neither she nor my SIL have a close relationship with their respective siblings - I believe because of competition for resources in both cases. Over the years, my DD's MIL has also ensured that she is the grandmother who spends most time with them. This is not only because of distance - it includes holidays away organised by my SIL and her. We have come much lower down the pecking order in terms of access to both my only grandson and my DD as a result.When my DD does come on her own - very occasionally - to see us with GC we have all been much more relaxed and happy.

My DD is capable of asserting herself; but I believe the failure of my/her father's marriage when she was a young adult makes her unwilling to do so unless the matter is of prime importance.However, her husband is nothing like her father in any way. The latter was a much weaker character who spent as much time as possible away from the domestic front. SIL is home-centred - but increasingly seems to want to organise and control every aspect of it. The strain started to show when DD for the first time ever recently reflected her anger (I believe) on to me when we were alone.If I am now to be the scapegoat for all ills I fear for our relationship and what that will mean for mine with GC.

DD and SIL are responsible and interested parents and GC is a happy little boy at the moment - though we do wonder what will happen when he is older and wants to become his own person.

Any further comments welcome.

If he asks how much you paid for something I would joke about it and say some over the top amount!

cassandra is he just controlling with you & your DH
or with your DD as well?
Have you observed his behaviour towards other family or friends?
Does your DD make light of it when they stay with you or think that its the norm after 10 years.
Sorry so many questions.

Granarchist - dream on. Sometimes, we mils just have to bite our lip and put up - for the sake of DDs and GCs. I won't say anymore on a public forum.

After many years on her own, DD1 now has a partner TG, for 4 years now.
I had met him a few times and liked him when with them, but the first time they came here he really put my back up.
The first thing he did was check all my kitchen cupboards for mice droppings and general cleanliness. He found some on a high shelf - he's tall. Then pronounced everything kosher (more or less.) He's not a Jew btw.
He was also very fussy about food.
I managed to keep my cool at that time , but a couple of other times got sharp with him. He didn't seem to mind and seemed used to a bit of banter, and we parted on good terms.
I don't regret speaking out now, but at the time thought I'd ruined our relationship for life. So maybe try expressing your feelings mildly, cassandra.

I wouldnt ask anyone what anything cost, how rude. I know it isnt a funny situation, but your Son in Law sounds like the one in the wonderful Radio 4 comedy series 'When the dog dies' featuring the late Ronnie Corbett. he too had a SiL who was after his house and money....don't move to suit anyone but yourselves. Still, it could be worse, imagine what it is like working with/for him.

Definitely do not move nearer to him if he's as controlling as you say, otherwise, he'll probably get worse. You have your own lives, friends, independence and you should hold on to them for as long as possible.

It's a tricky one as I can't imagine for one millisecond my DH putting up with that sort of behaviour from our children-in-law. Luckily our DIL's are lovely and as we live abroad, we only see them rarely for short visits so its easy enough to muddle along.

I do think you need to make it clear that he's a welcome guest but not the boss in your home. Commenting on your purchases is incredibly rude so I'd definitely make that clear to him.

Even though he's been around for ten years, perhaps you can point out that in his (their) home, you're happy to follow their lead but in your home you expect him to respect your wishes.

Any idea how he treats his own parents?

My Sil always turned the dishwasher on after a meal ! I was sort of put out but ignore it with gritted teeth , he was really thinking he was being helpful, but came the day he put it on with half a dozen cups in I gave a gasp of exasperation , DD froze , GS sat down and all stared at me . We then had a discussion , some of it quite loudly , but it cleared the air and things have settled into a jokey ... may I ... routine when he is here

To ask you how much you've paid for something and to criticise your spending is down right rude ! I would brush that of by saying something like "Oh, I don't know, Fred bought it" or "We can't take it with us" both said with a smile. I certainly wouldn't discuss it with him. I'd be miffed if my daughter asked that let alone my now ex SiL.
As for his controlling nature, I just don't know.
Daphne makes some good suggestions.

Thank you for all your suggestions. We can see we need to tread carefully to maintain good relationships. However, SIL has been around for ten years now and I think all this is evidence of an increase in his controlling behaviour, which I am uneasy about.

He also continually asks us now how much we spend on various things; and disapproves of any purchase he considers inessential. He says we should move to a two bed place near him/DD now. This would cost as much as we could get for our present home and would limit other family visits to us. His own parents, who still live in the big, well appointed family home in an expensive area, have looked after elderly relatives themselves in the past and done very well out of them! They have certainly been able, as a result, to give my SIL and his brother substantial help towards house purchase, which we could not match.

It would of course be good to see more of my grandson.Moving to be closer to family makes sense in older age. SIL is not, I think, a dishonest man.But we are still 'younger elderly'. it is not an easy decision. We have many friends and interests in our home area, and do not yet feel ready to relinquish our independence.We have helped my DD and SIL in the past as much as we could; and now they are well situated.And until we lose capacity,we do not want to be told what to do all the time!! Advice on how to get this message across gently, please!

You will know him best, but a smile and a joke may defuse the situation, however, perhaps he feels you need organising a bit? (Thinking of some members of my family)
Say when you plan to go out and stick to it, if he is champing at the bit tell him to go on ahead and you will catch him up.
If he is OCD about mealtimes you could give him advance warning that e.g.lunch will be at 1.30 today and if he appears to object, smile and say that's when the kitchen is open.
If there is something you want to watch on TV, again, give him a heads up that you /DH really want to watch something tonight -any objection? (Innocently)
Not worth falling out over, but simmering resentment on your part could spoil their visits.

If I discussed this with him I wouldn't say "when you impose your rules on our household" I would put it "when you run our household exactly the same as yours. When we are at yours we do things the way you do (and we always love it there with you) so when you are here, why do we still do things the way you do?"

And I would definitely not be dictated to on the TV front if the child is asleep in bed! If it is something unsuitable for him, then a quick check that he is actually flake out and not likely to appear at the door, and being ready with the remote control is enough. Do they never do engage in any X-rated activities themselves after (their) bedtime?

He obviously feels completely at home in your house Cassandra so I would only make jokey comments, if any.
Be glad he's a good sil and not the nightmare some of us have had to suffer!

I agree with Jane and tread carefully. Maybe say jokingly - what a bossy boots! or other light comment but as folk have said before less said sooner mended. You do not want to cause a rift or for SIL to refuse to come again. Good luck!

Have you told him how you feel? So when he dictates to viewing , have you actually said, I disagree , I appreciate that's how you don't in your house but we feel differently?

It doesn't have to be harsh or aggressive . If you haven't come out and said it then he might not realise how you feel?

Sorry granarchist I can't agree. Apparently the SiL makes the OP welcome and comfortable in his home when they visit so I reckon the OP should try to do the same when he visits theirs. Its only for a short time. I'm sure he'll relax and settle down eventually. Some people struggle to accustom themselves to different environments. Maybe he's one? Try to maintain a good relationship otherwise the chances of seeing your DD and family could be at risk of reduction? Not easy. Good luck.