Generous or greedy

Frequently many of my family of 4 children, partners and grandchildren go to my eldest daughter's ( no children but grown up step children) for Christmas. Depending on work commitments we could be just a few or a very large group. We all arrange beforehand to contribute to the cost of food and drink, so everyone happy! This year it could be 14 adults and 4 young children. My children very aware of costs as I was a single parent for 18 years balancing a tight budget!

Oh yes Stansgran of course, as I said, mine will wander in and open the fridge. What I didn't spell out was that they put the kettle on, make drinks for all present and ask 'is it ok if I have this cheese/etc etc"

I think the point is in asking. I can't abide people who go to the fridge or the kettle without offering to make something for everyone. I prefer people to say I would love a cup of tea would anyone like one? I would also be surprised because I offer drinks and food constantly.

My two know that they are welcome to whatever they like, liquid or otherwise, but I have never known them take anything without asking. I like to think they still feel as if our home is still their home, and I always tell them they don't have to ask, but they consider it good manners. If we go on holiday together, we split the food costs and the shopping. If invited for a meal, they will turn up with wine, even though there is always wine. If there is something I don't particularly want them to partake of - such as my bottle of Oban malt whisky - I hide it in the wardrobe, but that's about the only thing that is off limits! We had a friend once who asked if he might try a malt he saw in our drinks cabinet. He was cordially invited to help himself - and he did, to about thirty quids worth during the course of the evening. He is still a friend !

We are fortunate to live near our adult children. They often pop in unannounced, which is always a joy. They inevitably walk to the fridge and help themselves to snacks,salad bits, humous, cheese, any cooked meat, then crisps, crisp breads or bread. Their partners follow suit. I'm so pleased they all feel at home.
If we go away as a group, we have a kitty at the beginning of the week, £100 per couple for starters. Everyone chips in with shopping, cooking etc and I feel very lucky.

Your evening meals sound great Silverlining andI've nothing to add to the very sensible suggestions about kitties, shopping, contributions made above. I do feel our adult children revert to being our children and on reflection, I suspect me and my siblings did that at our parents home.

My 40 year old married daughter still comes to our house and opens the fridge and cupboards to see what we've got! Sometimes I say she can't have something because it's for our dinner. She helps herself to a sandwich, toast, crisps, biscuits etc., I don't really mind, we're all family. However the OP is in a different situation. Wine is expensive and maybe a quiet word with her most understanding family member could be passed on to the others.

When my DS came to stay for a month between 2 jobs, I laid down the rules - we feed him, but if he wants alcohol he has to buy it himself. Also I announced, "I need the??? for lunch tomorrow" or whatever. And if it disappears overnight, prepare lunch for DH and me ONLY. If asked why no lunch, just say "you ate it last night"!!! Works every time. I guarantee they will never do it again.

I have the opposite situation in that I go to stay with my elderly Mum -I always ask her to get me anything I will want that she doesn't normally have in & offer to pay ((she usually refuses payment) or I take limited supplies in my case - I travel by train so it is restrictive as only take one small case.

I ask Mum to get me my usual newspapers which I do pay for & take her out for a meal, she often takes me out most lunchtimes as it saves her cooking. I'm so lucky

I have the opposite when I go and stay at my youngests the cupboard is always nearly bare it's always ' nearly payday' or they ve just had ' a big expense' because I can't bear to see the kids and animals with not much in the cupboards I go to the shop YES I know they see me coming My other kids always go straight to the supermarket and do a weeks shop if they come to visit ........... And of course if I wasn't there the kids and animals would be fed I know, soft as biscuits dipped in tea that's me

My children and their families help themselves to whatever they like in my home, and I'm happyfor them to do so.

If they are staying with me, they will do a shopping run and replenish supplies - always bringing some flowers and wine for me into the bargain. I never ask them, and they never comment, but that's how they've always been - except when they were hard-up students!

I can't tell you how proud I am of my lovely trio. They didn't have a lot when they were growing up, because money was very tight, but they've all done well, and have become thoughtful, generous people. Even if they were broke, tho', I would still be more than happy for them to help themselves, because my home will always be their home.

Hide the wine, hide the good cheeses and buy cheaper substitutes, but not as much and they will get the hint when they see less bounty upon arrival.

I have an old story... my dad was on duty in Italy during WWII with an engineering outfit. Their job was to go ahead after an area had been cleared and set up HQ with communications and repair electrics etc. A suitable farmhouse was found that has previously been used by the Nazis. The owners groaned, great...more intrusion now the Americans were here after just getting the place back to themselves and hoping to get on with repairs.

Anyways, my dad had an assistant who was also from Boston but spoke Italian. The family had only one request... could they have electricity back in their kitchen, even a single light bulb? My dad and his mates got busy and wired them up properly, and did an annex of the place for the HQ instead of taking over the family's area. Lights everywhere, there was much back-slapping and hugging from the family members!

They then took my dad into a room that had exposed brickwork and began chiseling out the mortar. Wah-lah. out came salamis, hard cheeses, wine... my dad was gobsmacked as they were only eating field rations on the move and had no field kitchen or cook. It was his most memorable event during all his time during the war.

So...hide the good stuff!

A quiet word......

PS And hide the spirits until they have gone home.

If you can't bring yourself to challenge them, then go for the cheaper option of 10 litre cartons of wine, readily available in France. It should at least reduce the expense, there must be a cave near you that sells them.

If I were in your position I would let stocks get low and leave them to buy their own food. They're getting free accommodation after all. Let the pay their own way.

This situation sounds like it has built up over time and is a thoughtless ingraining of habits rather than deliberate exploitation. I should say, on the next visit, that while you loved being able to do it in the past your financial circumstances can no longer stand the expense and that, in future, things will have to be a little different. You could put the ball in their court by offering a choice: they eat and drink less or contribute more.

If you think a white fib justifiable on the grounds of smoothing over the waters and saving everyone's feelings, you could use the Brexit vote as an excuse for a changed economic regime.

Not having to get up and go to the fridge to top everyone up would seem to be a benefit as long as you ensure your glass is the first one filled!

I guess that asking yourself if you would rather they didn't come and you saved the money will sort out your priorities. My dratted family cost me an arm and a leg when they visit but I see it as 'paying my dues to the party gods' and cough up gladly as I will be a long time dead and I love to be with my beloved ones. I don't mean to sound sanctimonious here as I realise things will change concerning 'generosity' when my husband retires and money is tighter.

I would say, don't have so much in the house. Enough for the first couple of days then when they see stocks diminishing they might be a bit more careful. Then just say "oh we have run out of wine and treats, can one of you go for more" Don't give them money to buy it.
When we go to visit my son I always take the soft drinks I like and any other bits and pieces I want. He provides the main food, but I do go out and buy extras and take them out for a few meals.

Good idea moobox. They call it BIB - bag in box, or cubi, and it's a lot cheaper than bottles.

You're in France, buy the milk carton type wine when you know they are coming, lol!

I'd try having enough in for a day or two, then writing a shopping list and asking them to get the shopping in (without offering to pay) as you are too busy to go and do it. Obviously not a huge shop but just to top things back up - and see how that goes. When my son used to come home for weekends between girlfriends (the only time we usually saw him) he would empty the fridge and freezer and store cupboard - making meals late at night after I had gone to bed. My daughter used to joke he was storing up the calories so he didn't have to buy food when he went back to his flat.

Silver linings. I'm so lucky. Whenever I have guests or family to stay, they always contribute. Try not to stock so much, maybe keep some wine under your bed? Then when your stock is finished, just say sorry, we're out of wine, or whatever, and let them go shopping. Sometimes people just don't think. Good luck!

Or even "Oh dear! Someone will have to go and do a shop. I did the last one, whose turn is it now?"

If it were me, I'd buy what I thought was a reasonable amount to provide for their stay then, if it runs out, say something like "Oh dear, I thought that would be plenty for the week. It's twice what we normally buy."
They might immediately offer to buy more but, if not, too bad.

When we go on holiday with family we have the kitty for supermarket trips etc, usually €50 an adult for a week , then we top up if necessary. Think they are just treating your house as "home", which is lovely. I agree you should send them out with a list or invite them to go shopping with you. Don't buy as much in the way of cheese or nibbles, these add up.

Send them out with a shopping list and no money.

However, I can just picture you and your family sitting around, enjoying good food that you've cooked, with the wine flowing and everyone together and happy as a family.

Sounds idyllic.