Being angry about something from the past

Obieone.....Finding forgiveness isn't easy nor does it happen right away and sometimes not at all. Some people can't learn to forgive no matter what the circumstances. My point was this....It's about learning ways to soften one's own perspective in order to move on. That's where real healing begins. It isn't an act of acquiescence; it's an act of self preservation. No one forgets a hurt...but there are ways to soften the negative feelings a memory produces. Someone once said to me, "You can't change other people, but it's in your power to change how you react to them." Holding on to anger or suffering is unproductive, won't reverse the situation and is very bad for an individual's emotional health. There are a few ways to hit the 'reset' button and forgiveness is one of them.

I hadnt thought of it like that before.

Yes be angry with the behaviour not the person but sometimes they are so tied up in each other that you can't separate.

Grief is different. It is a natural response to loss and needs to be allowed expression and to run its course.

I loved my parents (only child)and my husband very much. Now they are no longer with me I miss them every day but when I get too miserable about it I remember that they were all often really unkind to me (bordering on cruelty) and that makes me angry. The anger isn't very pleasant but it helps to mitigate the sadness of loss.

Anya I found your post very helpful and will remember that when I am next holding onto some negative feeling.

good post Anya, Ive written my anger down and when I feel ready I tear it all up and throw it all away. Hanging on to the notes/ letters just leaves the wound open and they never heal.

That's a good way to let go of the anger Alie by writing it down as your daughter did.

I heard once of a psychology lecture which started with the lecturer holding out a glass half- filled with water. All the students thought that this was going to be a glass 'half full or half empty' type of lecture.

But instead she asked how heavy the glass was. After various guesses, she explained that it was nothing to do with the actual weight....it depended on how long you held it up for, as to how heavy it seemed.

A minute or so, not very heavy.

An hour then pretty heavy.

A day, a week, a year....then unbearably heavy.

She then likened it to holding on to negativd feelings of anger, resentment, hatred....and how these weigh you down.

I recently came across three letters written by my daughter, who died last year. Two of them were about her anger, with her father who let her down badly, and with her second partner who was violent and abusive.
She had told me very little about her feelings, but obviously let it out by writing what she felt. I hope actually that she did send the one to her father!
I've done similar writings myself at times, and it can help, if only by making feeling clear to oneself.

A person I know, seems to be able to forgive, so he says, but still has much hurt I think.
Do you think that true forgiveness means that the hurt should then disappear? Or is that not how it works?

Justifiable anger is very hard to let go of. Forgiveness is probably the only thing that helps people to move on. Many people feel that forgiving an offender is to give that person a pass, but it's the exact opposite. After all, there would be no reason to forgive unless a wrong has actually happened. One doesn't need to forget either. One simply has to realize that the people who are the least lovable in your life, are probably the ones who need love the most. Choose instead to hate the bad behavior and not the person who misbehaved. When you choose to forgive even the most terrible offenses, it is the ultimate act of your own generosity and something for you to feel good about. Forgiving is a positive way to deal with your anger. Even in the face of a hurt that you can't seem to overcome, if you can find forgiveness in your heart, that will be the best first step towards the healing process. Best, Willa

I am aware all the time that I am very angry about the past.
But I can now see things in better perspective and have learned that it's best to just live in the present and try to let go of the past. So I have metaphorically locked my anger in a box inside my head and thrown away the key.

Its very difficult to get rid of deep rooted anger, you have to learn to live with it and try and not let it interfere with your life or it will just eat you up inside.

Intereseting posts. Sorry to the people who have suffered.

crun. I cant think what you should do about that. I hope things are better now.

no problemo..

I'm getting quite angry with this phone Tanith - it seems to think it knows better than me!!!!

I think you are entitled to be angry tarnish, if it's how you fell it's real.

I thought I was over the stuff my mum had done to me and mine until my brother told me he thought mum was waiting to see our niece's first baby which is due in October Andover negative emotion I had ever felt amp flooding back.

Emotions in my view are not completely controllable.

Tan ith. I once took advice and did what Cornergran has suggested. Once I started writing I couldn't stop. I dredged up everything relevant, no matter how small. Then I burnt it, even though my mother was still alive. I didn't want to upset her or discuss it. I felt empowered and calm. Try it. Good luck.

grannylyn 35yrs ago both myself and my then husband decided we really did drink a bit too much and chose to stop, the difference was I did stop and never drank again to this day and he didn't and drank himself to an early grave. Choice or not it still makes me bloody angry if I catch myself thinking about it.
cornergran I have thought about writing him a letter maybe I should give it a try.

Being angry about something in the past doesn't necessarily mean being in a state of continued anger.

There are one or two events in my past that still induce a sudden rush of anger if I think of them. But I rarely think of them and the rush of anger very quickly passes. I doubt if it does me any harm, it certainly doesn't colour my everyday life.

The problem comes when people keep anger alive and think about it all the time and let it infuse every interstice of their lives.

I couldn't do it, far too exhausting.

"talking with a counsellor can often help"

Not if they're the cause of the anger.

Alcoholism isn't a choice. No one dishes out that amount of pain deliberately

Anger is a human emotion, we can all experience it. Its not wrong in itself. Anger can energise us into action and be helpful or it can really undermine our day to day lives. If its the latter and we can't talk directly to the individual or organisation concerned, it can sometimes help to write down what we would want to say to the person if we could. Exactly as we would say it. Then let go of the writing in a way that is meaningful, shredder, burn it in the fire, soak it in water, bury it in the garden - whatever feels right and with the letting go of the written words sometimes the anger leaves, or at least diminishes. If anger is being destructive in our day to day life and we just can't move past it then talking with a counsellor can often help, an unbiased ear can help us to let go. I don't think most people choose to hold onto anger, often its a case of unexpressed thoughts and feelings that coalesce as anger and then get entrenched as part of us. Or that's the way I think about it. Guess there are lots of other ways. Hope something can help Tanith, you sound as if you would like to put the totally understandable anger down. Good luck to you and anyone else in your situation.

I'm still angry with my ex husband for turning into an alcoholic and putting our children through many years of hurt and angst. He and I divorced many years ago, he died 3yrs ago but I never ever told him how angry I was with him . Although I've been happily married over 20+ yrs I still feel angry with him and I know should let it go.

Being angry only hurts the person who is angry not the person the anger it against.
If you have been hurt you don't have to forgive or forget but try to put the anger down.