Taking the piss - WWYD

Why even the end of the week?
Just say "I hope you've got childcare for the rest of the holidays, as I won't be able to do it."

But of course it is up to Luckygirl's DD to want to do anything about it, or not.

Your DD could say to friend that by looking after her children, she has decided to make it into a business and will be going into childminding so that she can earn money from it. Get her to tell the friend how much she is thinking of charging and see how long it takes the "friend" to find someone else to look after the children. She could always say she changed her mind as the family business needed her more later and she is snowed under with that to take them again.

But if this friend is asking every day for help, then surely, as she collects them one day, your DD has to put her foot down and say, "I can do up to the end of the week for you, if you are struggling with childcare, but from next week I am busy, I am very sorry." She doesn't have to say with what, that's her business, personal stuff if asked. She really does have to be more assertive and as her mum you can help her by doing role play with her to practice her saying "no". It does get easier with age.

I too have spent my life being a mug, too nice (or weak?) to say "no" to anyone, and at times have been exhausted and stressed, but it is me, the way I am, and now I'm retired all those people I put myself out for have eventually told me how grateful they were. So if that is your daughter's nature, so be it, though there is no harm in mentioning your concerns to her.

I think you have wisely decided against saying anything directly to the "friend", and possibly even indirectly. Give your daughter some ideas for refusing to help this woman out, and then leave her to it. Be there for her when you can be, but at the end of the day it is her own choice as to what kind of person she is. She will get her reward some day,if that is "only" knowing that she did her best for others. What a lovely person she is, be proud of her.

PS, yes definitely taking the P--s. as per your question!

Don't think it wise to speak to friend yourself,but I do think you should help & strongly encourage your DD to decide what she is able to realistically do for friend, without feeling guilty bad or unhelpful if it isn't as often as she is currently trying to do.Sadly it has been my experience that people are only to ready to take advantage of the good nature of thoughtful , caring people such as your DD & it always ends in tears. The other persons life, lifestyle &family are NOT your DD Responsibility or more important than your DD nor or they her problem to shoulder . The friend should be glad of any assistance your daughter may be able to offer on her terms , would the friend have any difficulty saying no if your DD was to expect the same -- I think not

I am with the 'say nothing' group here. Even a 'casual' comment may sound contrived and artificial and embarrass your DD unless she is in agreement for you to do this.Whilst your DD may agree she is tired and may feel her pal is taking the P it maybe that her pal is in a difficult place at the moment and your DD is being a true friend to someone in need. However she could just be a self centrered thoughtless person! If that is the more likely scenario
could you look after your DGC all or part of next school holiday? That way you DD can say to her 'friend' that she is so lucky she can get on with work as gran is having the kids.

I would be inclined not to interfere directly, but be supportive of your DD and be on hand for advice. I get that you feel protective towards your DD, but you may come off worse if you do say something to the friend.

Your DD will know when to 'call time' and if the friend is true, then there will be no bad feelings.

I tend to leave my adult children to their own devices, although I question their thought processes sometimes (in private)!!

I think your daughter needs to get in before the 'friend' even mentions the next holidays. She need to say something like ' I'm managing to take the Thursday of half term off so I wondered whether (son's friend) would like to come over for the afternoon? Unfortunately I'm working the rest of the week, such a pain'. The 'friend' would have to be very pushy to get around that surely?

A straightforward "No, I can't do that." would be much better than a contrived excuse.

You could have a word with DD telling her how tired she looks and how concerned you are about her health and take it from there.

You could offer to be diplomatically ill and need DD undivided attention if it helps her out.

People will eat at your life if you let them unfortunately.

lucky as your DD is fed up with it, and has said as much to you, my guess would be that it will all come to a head soon. GN is a great place for off-loading.

I'm always amazed at how people will TTP with getting others to look after their children. I had a very good friend when my children were small who would basically dump her two children on me and go off as quickly as possible after off-loading them. Mostly I didn't mind, but on one of these occasions, I soon discovered that the younger child was not at all well, and I put the poor lamb in the car, with his sister, and promptly drove them back to their mother and handed them over saying hadn't she noticed that her child was ill. It never happened again!

Perhaps one way out of this is for you to have your DGC in order that they won't be around to play with the dumped ones. The friend could hardly ask your DD to have her kids if DGC are not around, could she?

My DD is fed up with it - she has said so to me, but I was not able to pursue it as there were lots of children needing attention. If she brings it up again I will take note of all your kind suggestions.

Ih fir the assertiveness courses of the 70s/80s & Anne Dickson's book, "A Woman in your Own Right". I really hoped they wouldn't be need d by now. Being a doirmat is not being kind, certainly not to yourself & family. Nor should you be seeing a good reason as 'leverage' as you mention. Really reasons to justify aren't needed. Just encourage DD to practice the "broken record" statement : I'm afraid I am not able to do this again" said as if she means it. She'll never make that breakthrough if she knows you'll intervene & often people have to hit the bottom before they findthe courage to change. Been there. Good luck.

She needs to say that she wasn't getting any work done, so she is sorry but she really can't do it any more. She could also point out that working at home is still work, and she can't neglect it. Does this woman work, and would she take time off to look after someone else's children for no pay, and no pay for her work not done, either? I think not.

It is not for you to say, but you could encourage her to stand up for herself and not allow herslf to take on someone else's responsibilities to the detriment of her own - which is what she is being conned into.

I won't interfere because I do accept that principle. But it sticks in my throat to see her exploited - there are 3 children that this lady leaves with her. I know my DD is fed up with this and she needs to find a way of dealing with it - lots of useful suggestions above and I will bear those in mind when I chat with her about it if the moment seems right.

The main question is - Does your DD want to continue being kind in this particular way, to this particular woman?
If yes, it's none of your business and you'll just have to lump it. If no, she needs to tell the woman it's not on, so she may be open to discussing with you, how to go about it.

I think that unless your DD asks you to intervene you should not interfere.

This woman is taking the piss. She's getting a free childminder who includes food and beverages not only for her kid but for herself as well and your daughter is letting her.

Sorry but your DD needs to grow a pair and tell her no, sorry I can't take your child (use regulations as an excuse if necessary) as I'm working otherwise she will continue to be used as a doormat. Tell her as much and if she continues then it's her own fault. May sound harsh but unless she puts her foot down, this woman will continue to use her as a free childminder. The kids get a fair amount of hols over the year so she needs to stop this now. She can say that while it was lovely looking after x, unfortunately she won't be able to do that again (for Feb half term, Easter or any other extended hols) and that the woman will have to make alternative (and expensive) arrangements elsewhere. If she doesn't like it then she's no friend after all is she?

I think the child minding regs are the way forward. And start with a chat with your daughter.

I note TillyWhiz your once left the house when some friends came round. your post reminds me that I did this when I was looking after my mother who was living with me. I was being run ragged and good friends would come round and make us both a cup of tea. However some came round expecting to get the same service as I gave my mother!! So as one of these was chatting to my husband who also wasn't helping I left for town for some shopping. I imagine he made the tea.

Luckygirl, if you were able to look after your DGC for even a day, DD could say, in all honesty, that she really couldn't have any other children, as she's going to be busy, and has had to organise help with her own children.

I too used to work from home and, like TillyWhiz, found that people didn't respect that I was doing 'real work'. The biggest offenders were my elderly parents who would drop in at any time. Sometimes I would be on a conference call and
my Mum would 'join in'! I was a single parent bringing up three teenage boys and this was my sole income.

Eventually, I had to have a gentle but firm word with my parents and my Mum, bless her, did take offence for a few weeks. After she had time to think about it, she did eventually understand that I had deadlines to meet and a living to earn.

Luckygirl, maybe you could suggest to your daughter that she type out a schedule of availability and give her friend a copy? That's what I did and no-one took offence as it was written in a positive way. Your daughter's friend would have to be very brazen to ask her to babysit once she has a copy of her work schedule. It may help.

I used to work from home and noticed some friends did not consider it 'real work', calling in at very busy times despite me saying so and expecting to be fed. In the end I had to be quite assertive and actually left the house with them still sitting there!

I am not sure that mentioning the falling behind with work will work, clearly this person has the skin of a Rhino and is happy to impose her kids on someone else.

I think the child minding regs is the best bet..she can't argue with those can she?

As for the sons being friends, sad though that is maybe it is a good lesson for the boy to learn that you should not be dumped on by your friends', his mother can ay your friend is welcome once/twice a week for tea and that is normal and needs to be reciprocal.

These things are all about timing Lucky so try and catch your DD when she is in a calm and quiet mood, not rushed off her feet.?