Frustration

Diddy1

I had a 'kind and generous' ex husband and eventually I had to divorce him to save my sanity. We were reunited for a short while after the divorce and he asked me to move in with him. I said I would be worried again with all the arguements and just wanted a peaceful life. His answer? I had to try harder not to argue WOW you see if he as always been like it, he wont ever change because with control freaks they see it as your problem not theirs. No amount of sitting down and talking about it changes that person. I didn.t know until I went on holiday last year with my bestfriend and her husband that he was exactly the same.After retirement he as reduced her to a trembling wreck. We worked together for over twenty years she was a manager and now her confidence is on the floor. He wont do anything with her, uses the excuse he cant walk far yet goes for days out with his friends. Sad isnt it.

Hello everyone who has been so good writing and giving me advice and encouragement, thank you. I must explain a few things to get you into the picture. OH retired five years ago but does a bit of work, a few days a week at another job, which gives me some "own time" he is 68.He has always been jealous and bullying but I have learnt to cope and now I am finding it harder these days, I am tolerant to a point but becoming less so! I am a night owl, he is an early riser it suits us both, but the other night he said once we both got up "what time did you go to bed? I felt around the bed and you werent there" I could have cried, I thought even in his sleep he has control, or wants to.
Some of you so rightly say we should sit down and discuss this, but we cant as soon as we discuss "awkward" things he says " we cant talk about this anymore" and rows if I want to continue, so I stop too, frustrated at not getting to the point. My family dont know just how bad it is as this is my second marriage, and he is not their Father, they have suggested from the beginning, this man is wrong for me, but I have carried on. I think someone was right when you said I need help to know how to cope in the future, basically he needs help, but would never consider it, so I may take some advice from the Grans here, and try to talk to a professional, this is not how I thought the twilight of my life would be. Thank you all, I shall certainly let you know what happens in the future, thank goodness for Gransnet xx

Do find some professional support it will help to share. Perhaps talking to your own family would also be helpful. I hope you find a way of coexisting or resolving these problems it sounds very distressing. Always ask for help you will clarify issues and find strategies to cope. Very best wishes

You have my sympathy. My second husband is also a control freak and getting worse as he ages. Marrying him was a big mistake. I have always stood up to him but it doesn't make for a happy marriage so it's important to pick your battles. The penny dropped one day when I was reading about personality traits/disorders. He fitted narcissistic personality disorder perfectly and such people find it very difficult to change. I have found self help books about narcissism quite helpful for suggesting strategies and support. I do hope things will improve for you though and that you have a good life ahead.

I met a lovely kind and loving man whilst I was already married to a lovely kind man. I gave up on my original marriage and went into a relationship with my new partner. He turned into an abusive, physically and mentally, controlling monster. I stood it for 20 years but how glad I was to leave him and make myself a new life. It hasn't been easy but Diddy1 if it's making your life unbearable go. I thought people would criticize me leaving my husband, but no, my neighbours (who had never called the police for me) congratulated me on leaving him and his abusive ways. I must admit though I still love him!

Leave the miserable controlling old bugger! I had one of those and I left eventually. You could live in peace and serenity!

Also a word to anyone in an abusive relationship please read " Why charming men male dangerous lovers" . I found it by chance and it helped me enormously.

Diddy1 sorry to say it sounds like controlling behaviour, not necessarily illness as some have suggested.

One of the joys of leaving a controlling partner is watching what I want, when I want. I used to have to watch the TV programmes that the exH wanted to watch and only listen to his choice of music. Madness lies that way.

I even ended up going part time to 4 days a week so I could have time at home doing things I liked or seeing friends!

Anyway, why don't you hide the remote control come bedtime? My father when in his 70's started insisting that not only the TV was turned off, but that ALL electrical items, lamps, kettle, computers, TV, cooker were switched off and UNPLUGGED.

He only let the fridge freezer remain plugged in and on each evening after my mother threatened him with dire consequences of no dinners.

I hope you stay safe

I don't think it is as much "controlling behaviour" as arrogant thoughtlessness. As I suggested age can strip away the layers of consideration for which society has imposed. Some old people are excessively grumpy, selfish and unaware of others.
Others are not.
So you can challenge it if you choose -good humouredly if you are not entirely at screaming point, or live with it. There are so many types of dementia and diminution of our mental faculties which coincide with the ageing process, it is quite likely that he is showing symptoms of some such decline. But IMO "controlling behaviour" suggests a conscious decision to impose one's will on others and I don't think this is the case here. But who am I to know, who is anybody? Diddy1 will have her own experience to draw on.

May I just add that LTB (leave the bugger) may be the advice one reads on MN but be realistic.
Is this an "abusive relationship"? Only Diddy 1 can answer that, there are a lot of grumpy old Gits of both sexes out there and many wives may still feel "he may be a miserable old bugger, but he is my miserable old bugger"
There are also those whose partners are showing mental decline and do not choose to walk away.
Better or worse? Sickness and in health? There but for fortune......

Diddy does say, though, that "he has always been jealous and bullying" so this doesn't sound like an age-related decline.

lillyflower your description of you OH sounds awful , you must be a saint or totally downtrodden to put up with it .

diddy1 If it is not new behaviour I would have a sit down talk, you really need to nip it in the bud . It may be that it has become a habit to do the things he does - a habit which needs breaking asap for your own sanity . It is easy for me to talk though , I put up with bullying for 13 years before I could not bare to live another day as a downtrodden wife . I am now happily single xx

Lilyflower I recognise a lot of that. Not a nasty person but totally frustrating to live with. I am worn out with it.

No use hiding the remote, because he switches off at the wall switch, no stand - by is allowed!
Today, funny really, I must tell, we were eating breakfast and I like the radio on low as company, he asked if I could hear what they were saying and I replied I just have it on to hear the music, he added I cant hear ( he didnt have his hearing aid on) I said politely "well turn it up if you cant hear", but he was expecting me to rush and turn it up, childish I know, but i felt I hadnt succumbed this time, getting very brave!

Well done Diddy1. It's a start ?

Its domestic abuse and you do not have to put up with it, stop making excuses for him and start planning a life without him. I am sure your family will support you in this and they need to know, after all they thought he was wrong for you from the start. Good luck and pluck up courage, there is plenty of support for people in your situation but the first point of all is admitting it to yourself that this is abuse.

May or may not help:

www.bpdcentral.com/narcissistic-disorder/hallmarks-of-npd/

To live a more peaceful existence, you could choose to separate from him, which doesnt necessarily mean you divorce him.

That's a bit sweeping Ankers! What is this "Must"???
It is too easy to TELL people what to do without thinking things through.
Seriously how many women of 75 would rush into separating from their husband in his late 60's based on what we have heard so far? Lives are a lot more complicated than that. You and we are not Diddy1, leave rushing to "LTB" to "the other place" and think first.

I apologise Ankers my mistake, you said "could" not "must" - different thing altogether (although still not what I would counsel)

No problem. Thanks

Do not put up with this behaviour. Get some counselling from Relate. Decide on what you want for your future and your strategy. Then go for it. You will certainly get support from Grannetters and hopefully from your family. Either your DH will have come into line or you will have sent him packing or you will have got yourself a new place.

Start your exit fund.

I have sadly a friend who should have sorted her sons out but never did because she was not sure she could be happy living alone. If this is an issue for you Relate will help you solve it before your decide what you want to do about DH.

It the New Year. A good time to get started. Good Luck!

Good advice Emily

Hi Grans, I just want to get back to all you lovely people who have been so supportive, things have improved slightly, because I have actually started to raise my voice, and object to certain accusations, and turned the whole thing around when I am accused of something which is not my fault, answering back has never been my thing, but now like a child, I find I do, thanks to all the encouragement from other Grans who have been in the same situation, its perhaps not better, but I feel a lot better and just want to say thank you to everyone. I will keep in touch.

Well done! Asserting yourself will give him food for thought and is (to my mind) much more positive and constructive than suggestions of Relate counselling, separation or divorce. A turning point!