Frustration

Hello everyone who has been so good writing and giving me advice and encouragement, thank you. I must explain a few things to get you into the picture. OH retired five years ago but does a bit of work, a few days a week at another job, which gives me some "own time" he is 68.He has always been jealous and bullying but I have learnt to cope and now I am finding it harder these days, I am tolerant to a point but becoming less so! I am a night owl, he is an early riser it suits us both, but the other night he said once we both got up "what time did you go to bed? I felt around the bed and you werent there" I could have cried, I thought even in his sleep he has control, or wants to.
Some of you so rightly say we should sit down and discuss this, but we cant as soon as we discuss "awkward" things he says " we cant talk about this anymore" and rows if I want to continue, so I stop too, frustrated at not getting to the point. My family dont know just how bad it is as this is my second marriage, and he is not their Father, they have suggested from the beginning, this man is wrong for me, but I have carried on. I think someone was right when you said I need help to know how to cope in the future, basically he needs help, but would never consider it, so I may take some advice from the Grans here, and try to talk to a professional, this is not how I thought the twilight of my life would be. Thank you all, I shall certainly let you know what happens in the future, thank goodness for Gransnet xx

Diddy1

I had a 'kind and generous' ex husband and eventually I had to divorce him to save my sanity. We were reunited for a short while after the divorce and he asked me to move in with him. I said I would be worried again with all the arguements and just wanted a peaceful life. His answer? I had to try harder not to argue WOW you see if he as always been like it, he wont ever change because with control freaks they see it as your problem not theirs. No amount of sitting down and talking about it changes that person. I didn.t know until I went on holiday last year with my bestfriend and her husband that he was exactly the same.After retirement he as reduced her to a trembling wreck. We worked together for over twenty years she was a manager and now her confidence is on the floor. He wont do anything with her, uses the excuse he cant walk far yet goes for days out with his friends. Sad isnt it.

Lilyflower - absolutely none of that is 'of no significance' or kind or helpful so open your eyes! He's acting like a 5 year old, attention seeking and babyish. Also it's bullying.If I were in your place I would get some help to give me the courage to make some changes (I mean some counselling for support, not Gin, however tempting).

My h tried to be a bit of a control freak, example, if we go to a boot sale, if they are laid out in rows we have to go up one way and down the other, when we go to the shopping mall I wanted to go in boots he wanted me to go in on the way back. Needless to say I am a strong minded person and do what I wanted to do. Told to find a seat and chill ?

Whatt would happen if you shouted 'Leave it on I'm still watching it for goodness sake!' ? What are you afraid of? I'm with FOXIE here, stand your ground and argue back!
Being sent to Coventry and no cooked food works for me. (my OHmcan't cook and loves food ! )

I would not put up with controlling behaviour, my 1st H was a control freak, our Marriage lasted 13 months before I left him.

My late DH could be a bit of a control freak when his Depression was bad, wanting to know what I was doing, wanting be to go to bed at the same time as him, often far too early for me. I would just tell him I'd be up soon, luckily he would go to bed & leave me watching tv. It was my relaxation being on my own, stopped me from wanting to kill him at times

Diddy1.
You say you are 75.Is your husband the same age.?
You don't say whether you share any interests or if you do your thing and he does his.
Getting old is something many find hard to accept and unless you have interests, whether shared or not, we can become bored and unfortunately can turn into a Victor Meldrew.

The fact your husband asked if you wanted the tv leaving on as you were not directly sitting watching it with him is not to my mind being in control just a 'shall I leave it on for you'?. Did you tell him you pay half the bill?
That could in itself have started your own WW111.
There is nothing wrong with having a difference of opinion what is wrong is turning into a battlefield and if your husband has his views to which he is entitled to let it drop.
If he becomes verbally aggressive at the least little thing or he is acting in ways you find disturbing then you need to consider having words with your or his GP.

Is your DH getting enough sleep.
Some years ago my DH became somewhat like Victor Meldrew and I wondered how I would live with him.
Having listened to a Radio 4 programme about sleeping disorders I heard about sleep apnoea. I thought that sounds like him. Eventually he went to the doctor and now has an Apak machine which keeps his airway open and he sleeps soundly. All is now happy again in our house hold.
Look on line for sleep apnoea symptoms and talk to your surgery.
Good luck.

My husband is kind and wants to help me and look after me but does it in a way that I find distressing and controlling. He backs off when I mention it but the behaviour creeps back again quickly.

Most people will fnd the things he does of no significance but I find them smothering. Over the years he has done the following to an obsessive degree:-
-pushes past me to put his key in the door when mine is out to open it
-locks every door in the house even in the summer when it is too hot to do so (his parents did this and even locked internal doors)
-pushes past me to put money in meters when my purse is out
-jumps in to do a job when he sees I am about to do it, for example, the ironing
-insists on packing the dishwasher when he can't really get all the dishes in and ends up shouting
-sulks and makes a fuss if I put music I like on while putting his own on constantly (I have given up putting my choices on at all)
-became so obsessive about recycling waste that he went around taking things out of the bin that I put in
-never, ever gives way on a point even when he is clearly wrong
-gets furious if I actually ask him to do something that I need done and tells me I am giving him orders and being bossy
-deliberately does the opposite of what I want on many occasions
-sits playing with his phone and iPad at the kitchen table when I have asked him not to ruin meals I have spent time preparing with technology or rows

Gosh! That all looks bad! He's kind hearted and loving really, just a bit obsessive!

You say you were busy doing something else. Is that as well as watching the TV or did DH realise perhaps that you were not watching anyway at that time? Hence the question?
I am wondering whether he would perhaps like you to retire with him. Do you usually go to bed at separate times?
Some one once gave me this brilliant advice.
Pick your battles, life is too short.
Best wishes for a peaceful solution

My DH can be very dictatorial No so much what he says but the way he says it. I now challenge it every time and say I won't be spoken to like that.
I'd say the same if he did things too.But he doesnt Just lays down the law !Or tries to.No way. Unless he's right of course .Which he is occasionally

DH cannot turn the tv off unless he's going to bed . I've taken ti I player in a big way. Occasionally the wanton zapper gets lost.

My father was a very controlling man (bully) and when he went to bed would switch off the TV as he was passing it, despite the fact others were still watching. He never grew out of it - my mother just put up with his bullying, was miserable and sometimes bullied my brother and myself. If this is new behaviour then I agree with others he should see his GP however, if he has always been this way he is unlikely to change and you have to decide whether you want to live with it for the rest of your life or leave the relationship

I'm not sure he realises how controlling he is, he is just being selfish and turns off the TV because he doesn't want to watch it anymore. Just don't put up with it.

Every now and again when I feel DH is getting too dictatorial I just say, very quietly, almost a hiss really! "Don't you DARE speak to me like this - how would you like me doing it to you?" I rarely lose it but it's accepted that if I go quiet like that I mean it, and it never fails. Pick your moment carefully. Good luck, nobody likes to live with a control freak. I escaped one, and I'm not tolerating another.

I could not live with a control freak. Controlling and coercive behaviour has recently passed into legislation as grounds for divorce.

However, you have to be very certain that it really is 'controlling behaviour'. It has to occur in other situations, not just turning the TV on or off.

Agree with MawBroon: 'weaknesses' are likely to be exaggerated with onset of dementia. Don't forget that there are over 100 types of dementia, and although in Alzheimer's (only one kind of dementia, but the most common) memory and language are first to go, in others, emotional response and empathy are affected before other impairments are noticed. If you think things are getting worse, I agree that a visit to the GP to talk about the changes is worthwhile. The GP can't divulge anything to you about your husband, but you can tell her/him and they will record it for future reference. Stick to your guns - you are not a child and you are doing nothing unreasonable!

I agree with NanaandGrampy you need to sit down quietly and talk about things. Sometimes these behaviours creep up on us without us realising how they affect people. You need to be strong too but pick your battles not everything is important enough to get stressed about.

Hi, not sure if this'll give you an answer but my husband can be the same sometimes. The older he gets, the more precise he needs to have everything. The more stressed or anxious he is, the worse it is. Some of the time I do things the way he wants because I can do without the aggro and sometimes I challenge him. Then, he's very quiet and I can see that he tries to change.....but then it goes back to how it was. I suppose it's all about compromising. We all have weird things about us and especially as we get older we can get set in our ways and very rigid, and I think we have to tolerate each other in this way but.....if it's got so bad that you feel you can't live with it, then you've got to talk with him about it...or drastic stuff-'just' leave.

Presumably he has been retired for a long time so you have been spending time together and the situation is getting worse and as the others have said use your coping strategies. Maybe get him see his GP if you can, but that could cause more arguments.

I am not a great alcohol drinker but over Christmas I was in introduced to single malt whisky, (I hated whisky in the past) and it relaxed everyone. Maybe a little evening drink might help.(I know some people say it might make him worse but you only have to try once).

Get a second remote control and just turn it back on again .

Or give him a taste of his own medicine. If you finish your dinner and he hasn't finished his whip the plate away and leave it on the side !! I'm not being totally sarcastic ...I just think a taste of his own medicine wouldn't go amiss.

The alternative is you sit him down and tell him how his behaviour makes you feel and be very clear it's not acceptable. If he carry son doing it then that's a clear indication that your needs are not important to him - and that's a whole other story !

Kick him into touch and get a life. It's a form of bullying and coercive control which is unacceptable. Tell him in no uncertain manner that he either kicks the habit or you are are your own buddy.

There is an element of grumpy old (wo) man not far below the surface in many of us but this sounds as if he may be displaying symptoms of dementia. I have a theory based on observation, but with no medical foundation that dementia of whatever sort accentuates character traits which good manners, socialisation or upbringing may have suppressed. Three sufferers I know or have known of, became very sweet natured, placid, easy going ,submissive and gentle and looking back they were always a bit like that. Others have become increasingly short tempered, even violent and in the most distressing cases for their families, overtly sexual.
If he was always a bit domineering, it is possible that this is just becoming exaggerated or it may be that he has lost some of the ability to temper his attitude with reason.
The character of Victor Meldrew from One Foot in the Grave is one many of us can recognise.
Advice? Live with it if you can, keep a sense of humour, laugh it off but also be aware of any further changes in his behaviour and share with your GP.

Does he only behave like this with you, or is he equally commanding with your children, grandchildren, etc.?

Have you ever discussed this behaviour with him, or with your family( who might be able to talk to him about it, as well).

I was wondering the same. Is this relatively new behaviour?

I don't blame you for being frustrated and needing a rant.