DIL wont visit my house....

My DIL doesn't come to my home often because she has a cat allergy and so does my grandson.I have 2 cats and they make her sneeze and her eyes get red and itchy. We get on really well though.

wendione

You need to read the whole thread as you have obviously missed all of the links that previous posters have posted to OP's almost identical previous thread from November 2016 where she was complaining about the same problem and where it was clear that it was all about the dogs.

The DIL is not happy for the toddlers to be around the dogs - but OP is struggling to accept this or compromise on this -OP wants to introduce her GC to the dogs and keeps trying to engineer situations where GC will meet the dogs (suggesting that she takes the GC walking with the dogs/pointing out the dogs etc). The thread is here:
www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/1231786-DIL-problems-that-I-dont-get?pg=1

I think the problem is that OP has pushed too hard in trying to get the GC to engage with dogs that she knows is problematic for the parents. In the previous thread the family were still visiting although boundaries were overstepped and now her DS/DIL have decided that meeting on neutral territory is the best way to go as it is clear OP struggles to understand that her love for the dogs is not reciprocated and that it would be best to back-off.

I would imagine that the dogs are among the things OP wants to show her GC

What would be wrong about sitting down with your DIL and ask her if you did anything to offend her because if you did you would like to rectify it?
Sometimes asking the party involved is better than second hand.

I don't understand all of the comments on here about dogs and smoking. I didn't read that your daughter in law won't visit you because of either of those reasons. It just seems to be the usual case of a son's a son until he takes a wife. Unless the girl is someone who is quite fair minded, you can guarantee that she will spend more time with her family than with her husbands/partners. In most cases it really isn't anything to do with how you are or how thoughtful you are, it's more to do with how thoughtless she is. It takes a strong man to stand up to the woman who can make his life a misery and often does when he makes suggestions about doing stuff with his family. If you have a kind hearted and thoughtful daughter in law, cherish her but if not, cherish your son and grandchildren and just be pleasant to her.

Peoples not people. Doh!

Dislikes not dislikes.

Dog dislikes are a bit like Tories. They have to stand and bear the hatred and insults which everyone else doles out with a smile on their face. However, when election time comes along they quietly post their secret vote. And the dog allergic will not welcome being sequestered with other peole's animals.

My book group all have dogs or cats and the dog lovers have intuited that I am inimical to their beloved pets ( in fact I am allergic to dogs and they can trigger frightening asthma attacks which at times have resulted in my having to go to hospital for treatment). Instead of respecting this they delight in letting their animals sit on me and get too close for comfort. I don't like the doggy smell and I am completely repelled by doggy 'expulsions'.

If your DIL feels anything like I do she will want to meet on neutral ground.

I know this is heard to read and seems rude and harsh but the truth is that some people dislike dogs as much as others love them and it is very hard that society's tolerance only works one way.

When I had small children I did not let my prejudices stand in the way of their enjoyment of animals and they both love dogs. However, your DIL might not be able to extend her tolerance so far.

Personally I think the OP is very lucky that her family take her out for her birthday. It's more than my adult children do and now I live my life for myelf. I really dont understand what her problem is. Why is it so important that they visit her home? If they don't want to you can't force them. You have admitted in an earlier thread what the problems are and things haven't changed. I have a Russian DIL although much better educated that the earliers poster's. She doesn't like me and now I don't like her for trying to turn my son against me. But in my opinion she is his wife and his first loyalty is to her so I have taken a step back. We bring up our children but once our job is done they are free to live their own lives and choose where they want to go and who they want to be with.

I don't think that my friend finds her overly excitable, piddling dog anything other than lovable and friendly, to be honest FarNorth. The most I've ever heard her admonish it is when she says "Oh ***, now look what you've done! Have you got a cloth Chewbacca?" Bad enough for me, but her family have young children and I can well understand their reluctance to allow it in their homes, or near their children. As I said, the dog was bought with the main objective that it would get her out of the house and able to meet and speak to people. Instead, the dog's behaviour has actually increased her isolation. We do meet up without the dog but we can't be more than a couple of hours because the wretched dogs howls and piddles more "when it's stressed".

Don't agree at all, dogs or no dogs, it's her husbands mother, just suck it up. If the home was good enough for her husband to grow up in then it should be good enough for her. All this preciousness about, dogs, smoking, untidy houses etc, what a fusspot attitude. Just be kind and welcoming, that's all you can do.

Chewbacca does your friend really expect you to smile politely while her dog piddles all over the place?

She must be very insensitive.

The Dil has said so and the OP knows it, as made clear in her previous post.
www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/a1231786-DIL-problems-that-I-dont-get

she knows the dogs are the problem ,it was all stated in the earlier thread,she isn't happy that she cant take her dogs with her when she visits or that they wont visit her because of them.....until she decides the family is more important than the dogs then there wont be any change

If dogs are the problem why doesn't the DiL just say so? It's far more hurtful to leave the dislike a mystery than to bring the subject out in the open. Alternatively, why doesn't the OP just ask if the dogs are a problem?

Hello Grannygranby, I am so sorry to read that you feel like this. Without knowing more about your family I can't really offer any advice, as you appear to be a good person.

So, here is a hug from me. xx

I have a lovely friend that I'm very fond of. But I will not visit her house and I will never allow her to bring her dog to my house ever again. I'm actually quite fond of well behaved dogs but some dog owners just don't seem able to recognise when their dog is really badly behaved and is a real nuisance. My friends dog isn't content with just "saying hello", a quick pat and then leaving you alone. It keeps on and on and on, clawing and raking at your legs with its nails. If you ignore it long enough, it leaps up on to your chair so that it can lick your face and hands; no amount of pushing it away will have any effect. The final straw is that it gets so excited that it piddles on the floor, on your shoes and, if it's jumping up and down on you, down your coat too. My friend only sees that her beloved little dog is "friendly and is pleased to see you". Her son and his family no longer go to visit her at her house and won't allow her to take the dog to theirs, and so the relationship is very strained. Friends, like me, will only meet up at a cafe, restaurant or cinema (anywhere dogs aren't allowed really). It's such a shame because my friend got the dog because she was lonely but because she won't train it, it's made her even more lonely.

Bibbity I think some people read the original post jump to some conclusions and then post an opinion which is usually totally wide of the mark

Hurdy Gurdy I m with you as soon as I saw this post was the same as one that we had all chewed over for pages before Christmas I knew it was either a fake to get us all going again or someone who didn't like the answers and came back for round two hoping to get more sympathy ..... and she has

Just for the record I have no dislike of dogs at all I used to have a lovely pretty mongrel yes they were mongrels or cross breeds in my day, not cockerdoodles that demand hundreds of pounds changing hands.... but sometimes they are not kept all that clean and the house can really smell The other day I went into a cafe that allowed dogs in I m not keen on that idea but live and let live think I, until the blooming bulldog sitting ON the chair at the table next to me was given a drink out of the owners teacup another dog was eating off the saucer put on the floor with bits and pieces of owners lunch on it I left and won't ever go back again

sarahellenwhitney Have you even read the thread? Where have you managed to draw that ridiculous statement.

I'm another person who is not keen on days, and although I accept that many people love their dogs (as a lot of my friends do) you do need to accept that not everyone does, Both of my little grandchildren are afraid of dogs, especially big ones, and that is reason enough for them not to come to your house. Even if the dogs are out of the way, houses with dogs often smell 'doggy' which you probably would not notice yourself!
Also your DiL may just be reserved - it doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't like you.
I would just be grateful that you see them and that they are going to spend time with you on your birthday. Many estranged grandparents on this site would give their eye teeth for this! Go out and enjoy your meal, and being with the grandchildren. I really wouldn't keep going on about coming to your house, they may be dreading that - however, a mild 'you know you are always welcome' would be enough.

I notice that, just as on the old pre-Christmas to her post, grannygranby has not come back to discuss any of the responses to her thread. That, to me, is just rude, particularly on the old thread which ran to eight pages. She clearly does know what the problem is, but just doesn't want to acknowledge it, as that would put the onus onto her to make the necessary changes to improve the relationship with her daughter in law (although why she doesn't just outright ask her son, I don't know).

It is very sad. The dogs, much as she loves and relies on them, will not be around forever. Her grandchildren will. I think she needs to forge a good relationship with her daughter in law, and thereby with her grandchildren, before it's too late. No one is suggesting she gives up the dogs completely, but some kind of compromise needs to be reached sooner rather than later.

I am inclined to think the girl is jealous of the relationship you have with you son. She may be the insecure type and annoying but your grandchildren as they get older will please them selves and she will not have influence on them to say whose house they visit

If she told you dogs are the reason for not visiting, you have your answer and have made your choice.

Lots of people don't like dogs, just as lots of people don't like children. Doesn't mean they are generally untrustworthy, just that you wouldn't trust them to look after your dogs - or children ;-)

And even those who like dogs AND children may be wary of their interacting.

It does sound as if the OP's DIL is motivated by worry about her children, as per the original (November) post: "She is not phobic she has gradually brought in the no dog rules as she became pregnant babies etc etc as reasons to exclude. "

Grannygranby, you have the answer to your question. I am a dog lover but appreciate that not all share my passion. I have a boisterous Labradoodle, two of my GC love playing with her, the other is wary, therefore she is kept out of the way when he visits. I think you should place your grandchildren first.