DIL wont visit my house....

Grannygranby. I have followed the link which a previous poster has put on here ( so my reply includes information you have said in this post and a previous one...Sorry for any confusion.

I feel sorry for you as it sounds like you have tried but without any success. Sometimes in life we do meet people that we don,t gel with without any obvious reason. It's more difficult though when it's a family member and closely related. I was going to say have you been able to speak to your son quietly about this , but I suppose to do so would put him on the spot or make him feel disloyal to his wife. Do you keep any pets or are you a smoker? These can put people off a lot. I am a pet lover but realise that not everyone feels the same . As you say you,ve tried everything , and as you went visit them on one occasion and they where out after this was planned that was downright rude on their part. Is there anyway you could casually meet up ,not for any specific occasion but just maybe your son bringing the children . You and your grandkids are missing out equally.Hope you find a way round this and good luck.

Well here is a hug from this Grandma. It must be horrible for you.

Although honesty is the best policy, some people don't like being told the truth. They get defensive.

You appear to be overlooking your Son's part in this. If I were in your position I'd ask to meet him separately and ask outright if there's any reason why his family never visit you at home. Honesty is always the best policy.

I have zero relationship with my MIL, however, I won't visit their "house" but I still encourage my Hubby that he should take the kids to see his parents.

The title of the post caught my attention as I have just waved goodbye to my DS and DGD after 3 lovely days. I don't know if DIL will ever visit again,but I decided to not spoil the lovely time we had by asking him why. Although a lot of posters have asked why you haven't asked your son outright, it is not as straightforward as that. As the loyalty is always to the wife, it is easy to find an excuse answer to that question which is hard to follow up. I wonder if there is any possibility of having your DS and children visit you on their own.

Can't your son bring your grandchildren to your house if you want to show them your things? Thinking back to my first marriage there were relatives of my husband's I hated visiting too - largely because they didn't speak English and I couldn't speak their language and I got bored stiff, but I was happy to let him take the children and give me an afternoon on my own I don't think they cared - it was him and the kids they really wanted to see anyway.

Have u "tried" with her as in to having a relationship with her or is it because if u be nice to her it means you will have your son and grandsons over more? Because if it's the second part, she probably knows this and then you aren't any better than her....

sil not soil haha

It sounds like the dogs are the problem and to be honest there isn't much you can do about it not everyone is a dog lover just be glad and enjoy the fact you are part of your grandchildrens lives my sister had a problem like this with her soil he couldn't stand pets of any kind however her DD still brought the children to visit sometimes with him accompanying them but you could see he was very uncomfortable when the dog was there but the children adored the dog and the eldest one is a real dog lover sadly she often says when I grow up I will have lots of pets but daddy will have to stay in the garden

Ask your son, why are people so reluctant to ask the obvious person????

If it is dogs offer to put them outside, on colder days I use my car to put the dog in for short visits (like viewers when I was selling house).......maybe she thinks she will be bored, if so make it clear she doesnt have to come and you won't mind.

The trouble with trying to accommodate people and their foibles is, that you keep on making concessions and nothing changes, the direct question is the only way forward.

It can be couched in friendly terms but surely you can ask your own son what the problem is?????

I don't care for the homes of smokers, or dirty homes so I would be embarrassed if I was forced to say but better than never knowing.

I dislike dogs too. My problem is the other way round, my son has two large dogs and I tolerate them as best I can, but it does mean that I rarely see him or my grandsons.

Sadly you are never going to win with her. She may have a very genuine reason for not wanting to your home or it may be some sort of power play. I think you have to accept that your son has prioritised her and that she is indifferent to your feelings. So sorry for you but I can only advise that you concentrate on your own mental health by accepting the situation.

My SIL would never go to my Mother's house because of her old dog. I never really noticed the smell of the house. I was immune to doggy odour I think. However, one day my SIL remarked on it as the reason why she did not go. My Husband and kids immediately said how much they hated the smell too. I am not saying your House smells, just that it struck me that my mother might have posted something similar.

I'm not a dog hater but don't like them jumping up or licking my son as a dog and I do go to his house the dog he as I've known since it was a pup and is a softy but I dread the day they get another I have a friend who as a dog and it stops me going to hers she does understand though . Unfortunately you have to see everyone's point of view .

Perhaps you need to ask why this has become important to you. Why are you dreading a family lunch as this it should be a happy family occasion for all the family including your grandchildren. Please try to look at the occasion positively. After all at least your birthday is remembered and you will see your family.

Paternal grandparents generally see less of their grandchildren it's how it is but that doesn't preclude your son taking some responsibility to maintain relationships on behalf of his children. I would suggest an adult non judgemental conversation with your son to explore if there are any issues and explain how you feel. Keep in tough with your grandchildren in other ways, phone, letters etc

I hate dogs. Always have. The smell of them makes me feel sick, especially the smell of wet dog. I hate the way they jump up and sniff my crotch. My uncles both used to keep big bouncing dogs and when my DSis and I were little,one of the,dogs knocked me over. My DSis got scratched on the face right by her eye. Plus the boxer dogs of one uncle would do eye watering breaking wind. It was revolting.
I have a close friend who has beloved dogs. She accepts that I will never visit her house. She comes to mine or we meet out.
You would never be able to persuade me to go near a dog, or be inside a doggy home.

FarNorth I thought the OP rang a bell. I think that it is very hard for dog lovers to understand the mindset of those of us who do not share their love of them. A quick pat in the street is one thing but staying in a house with them can be a most uncomfortable experience. I for one don't enjoy being sniffed and licked and having dog hairs all over me. I don't expect others to love my GC so why I am expected to love other people's dogs. The same applies to smokers and I speak as an ex smoker.

Having said that I do think it's very sad that the OP's son cannot tell his mother the reason for them not visiting her at her home. Not knowing the reason must be awful.

Following up on the link FarNorth gives. I think the problem is clear. Your DiL does not want her children going to a house where there are dogs. It is the dogs that are the problem and the evidence that they live in your house, even when they are elsewhere; smell, fur, the danger, hygiene are all things that can worry someone who doesn't like dogs. Your grandchildren may have asthma or allergies or be frightened of dogs. You do not say what kind of dogs you have or how many

I think you need to accept that just as you love dogs, especially your own, other people really do not like dogs and do not want to be anywhere they are or where they live. Both views are equally valid.

You talk about your DiL being cold, do you not think that you too are being unreasonable?

I've ferreted it out. Yes, it was grannygranby.
www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/a1231786-DIL-problems-that-I-dont-get

Did things sort themselves out for Xmas, grannygranby?

'Your DIL sounds possesive and insecure.'

What are you actually basing that on?
BecUse her DIL may not like Op? She doesn't have to!
She doesn't have to have anything to do with OP.
But if oP isn't getting updates, phone calls etc that is not the DILs problem.

I remember, as a child my father took my sisters and I to visit his mother and father every Saturday afternoon. We had tea, and played with the toys, looked at Granny's little weather house, and her nick nacks. I never remember my mother accompanying us.
She was always on good terms with my paternal grandparents, but never visited their house.

Are the "things" that you want to show your grandaughters your dogs?

Yes, could be any of the above reasons granny but if not, issue a formal/infirmal invitation to them to stay with with you.Tell your son that you would love a visit.
Your DIL sounds possesive and insecure.

I see you blaming your DIL for a lot here.
Where's your son in all this?
She is not his secretary. If you don't see them. That's soley because of him.
The fact she's organised visits to her family is not relevance to you.
Do you smoke? Is your house child friendly? Do you have animals?