DIL wont visit my house....

I am certainly not trying to criticise or attack you ""belly exposed ...going for it"" !! I'm not like that, nor was anyone else. Lots of us were just trying to be kind and help, as you seem to be making yourself ill over this.

You have mentioned the dogs a lot, and seemed desperate that the grandchildren should be introduced to them. I won't bother saying any more.

Not trying to tell you what to do, just trying to find solutions to make things better. Isn't that what grans do? Sympathy goes without saying, so next is trying to solve the problem. Sorry.

It's not to do with the dogs! The dogs are an excuse quite a new one. If it were just the dogs - so easily solved by all the suggestions, all of which I have tried. All make her demand more.

It's deeper than that which is why I am so sad about it.

I have a great business and social life thanks.

I really don't understand why so many people on this forum are desperately keen to criticise, or just tell me what to do (?) when it is obvious to me that the point of such forums is to respect someone's confidences and be comforting and supportive.!! Or not bother to respond. Not attack. Weird. I wouldn't dream of doing that to anyone. I suppose some people when they see a belly exposed can't resist going for it.

BlueBelle is right, give up on the whole idea of your​ GDDs having anything to do with your dogs.

Tell your daughter to stop being angry on your behalf and to help you to be calm instead.
She could possibly help by minding your dogs, while the family visits you, or by having all of you to visit her house, as that seems to be acceptable to them.

We use a stair gate when the family visit. (Its to keep their dogs out while we're eating - all have dogs and four under the table begging causes chaos.)

You do have a very difficult DiL. How well do you get on with her parents? Can you invite them for a family party? Your birthday is past but perhaps DSs birthday? It's worked for me in the past.

I also think you should tell you DS of your health problems, it may give him a very good reason to pop over to see you, and maybe bring the DGC. Worth a try.

Go out, enjoy your meal and your time with your family and stop moaning. You know the reason DiL won't visit, get over if.

PS I'm a dog lover but not everyone is.

I m truely sorry to hear about your health but you are still walking down the same old road....... "for them to play with my dogs" why on earth would you even add that to your mind bank... whilst you are still hankering after them joining your dog family you are going to keep hurting yourself ....it isn't going to happen Granny Your dil obviously tried by coming to your house and you tried by crating the dogs ( personally I would have let your daughter have them for the day and cleaned the house to an inch of its life, so there wasn't a trace of dog in it ) but you certainly tried as you saw fit and it didn't work There is now a total stand off and by you not including her will only add to the tension I feel sorry for your son caught up between the two women he loves
One last thing if the children for whatever reason and you don't know the reason have been brought up without dogs in their lives they will probably never be dog lovers so don't expect when they are 18 they will run to your house to cuddle the dogs as you will hurt yourself all over again

Hi melp1 - I think that sounds fantastic. I think I will just have to be patient and wait till they grow up a bit. The last time they visited I pit the dogs in crates to appease her and she still wouldn't be in the same room and complained because the young dog (who had never been in crate before) was crying. She suggested I took her to training school.
She has the power of having the children and I've never felt so helpless. That night I was woken up by severe heart paplitations and have since been to doctors and hospital and waiting for cardiologist. Advised to stay as calm as poss. I haven't told my son. My daughter is very supportive though very angry with DIL - angry that I keep trying to be nice ...Since that brush with death (so they say) I have decided to directly communicate with son and not include her, I suppose I have always thought I could win her round by being friendly, it is a hard one to give up. He sends me videos of the GDDs. It's surprising what life can throw at you - good and bad. Good luck bad luck we only have control on how we deal with it. For them to play with my dogs - or even go for a walk with them would be great. Lets hope one day.

I love all animals, but especially cats.I have also had a dog in the past.

BUT we have some friends where the wife has been brought up without any pets,and her mother instilled a fear of animals in her and her sister. So now she has 2 children, no way would she have pets, even though her OH was used to them as a child.

She will move the children away if she encounters any in a park etc. When they used to come and stay with us, they had to accept the cats, at a distance. We tried to keep them away, but cats are contrary creatures and usually make a beeline for those who don't like them!

Her son actually liked them and wanted to pet them, which we assisted with (they are gentle cats luckily). Now he is an adult and has his own cat, so I'm glad her fear didn't affect him.

There is just no reasoning with people who have that fear.They can't help it. It's best to accept it, and try and work round it if possible. She does sound a difficult person, and unfortunately you have to make the best of it as she is your DIL. I wouldn't try too hard any more, and if possible don't get too upset by her.

The main thing is to see your family in the best way possible.You say you want to show the GC things, just wondered what things?

How about next time you meet for a meal out, you bring some photos of your son when he was a child? Possible not precious originals but print off copies. They may not have ever seen any, and you could tell them some funny stories about what he got up to, what his favourite present/treat was etc.?It might give them more of a connection to you then. Good luck.

We have a similar problem but my son will visit with the children on his own. The girls love our dog, she's large and very friendly, loves children (Weimaraner.They will sit and cuddle her and take her for walks with us and all 3 say they want a dog when their older. I do think it's good for them to experience being with a dog especially if their Mum doesn't enjoy being around dogs.
We have a baby gate so the dog is restricted to dining room, conservatory and kitchen if someone visits and doesn't like dogs.Perhaps you could give it that a try.

that's how I feel FarNorth. Thanks for your comment.

Your Dil sounds like a very confusing and confused person.

Thanks Monica. you've restored me a little there. I was deeply disturbed by some of the toxic comments. I thought this was a safe space. Did I not respond to the ones last November? - I don't even want to look back. I had forgotton that I had reached out before Xmas - that other time of the twice year visits which terrify me. As I don't get reminders from Gransnet and have useless short term memory I obviously forgot all about it after I had poured my heart out; didn't check. So sorry about that.
I got a private message after this post and I thought that was it - and was astonished when I looked back on forum to see so much.
In the end they came for Xmas - we locked the dogs out of doors for the day. She doesn't even acknowledge our efforts on her behalf. She takes everything for granted. She doesn't buy presents and criticises the ones she gets. Somehow I don't think my daughter will put up with that again - her little dog is like a child to her, my little grand-dog. She says she only does it for my sake; there is no way she would invite them otherwise as she finds DIL so rude. But neither I nor she wants to upset my son to that degree. I think it is because DD and DS are not close that DIL doesn't see her as a threat. DD thinks it is because she ignores her and suggests that if I did a lot less trying and a lot more ignoring I might get more respect. So that's where i am up to! I'll try not to post just before this Christmas. (And I have got involved in other posts this time - I'm a slow learner.)
Oh and fancy Hitler coming up! I asked Dil when I first met her why she was a vegetarian she said she did it to annoy her mother. She is quite furious that I don't eat meat and makes sure the grandots get lots of it in my company.

I think misunderstandings arise in threads when the original poster doesn't always give us the full story at the start, or doesn't come back quickly to correct misapprehensions.

I know sometimes this is because the OP themselves hasn't really worked out where the core of the problem lies - hence the thread

I make a confession: with this thread I made assumptions that information given on the last page has shown to be entirely wrong. I am sorry grannygranby if I caused you any distress.

Thanks Inge. Sometimes you just want to let off steam in safe place but it doesn't feel that safe!

I agree just have to accept it

Thank you all so much for your kindness thoughtfulness and support. I will put the problem back in the box for a bit. Have tried the halfway house park thing which I too think is a good idea in theory...didn't work. She always wears stilettos and hangs on to son if they have to walk. I can't bear it.
Do you know I have never been allowed to be alone with either of them. Not an hour and once when granddaughter wanted to explore my house with me she followed not even allowing that. It's strange I was always grateful when my children's grannies took notice and wanted to be with them and encouraged it as much as I could. Because they were safe and loved and I felt happy to grab some time alone. Don't understand Bibbitys comment - why is she in gransnet? The 'parent experience'? Surely that is intergenerational? If she is unfortunate enough to be excluded by her children when they breed will she think that is how it should be?
That apart I will be grateful for the small mercies. And I do think my daughter feels bad, she is a lovely daughter I see her every day, I don't know why she has not had children, she would tell me if she wanted to. It does make her cross that I am upset. But then she hasn't had children. I could never understand how my mother could love my brother ?

Grandmotherly experience? She didn't have children for you. She had them so her and her husband could have the parent experience. The only one that matters.

If your daughter is so concerned about you bein a groandmother then she needs to get cooking.

I do feel for grannygranby and your hurt feelings make me sad.
However, how to deal with it?
It's not YOU it is clearly HER and if she wants to be stroppy and demanding, so be it. Your son married her, loves her and she is the mother of his children and your grandchildren so let's hope she has some redeeming features. Can you get your son to bring the children to you when, fir instance, she is having a "girly" day or weekend with friends? Could you perhaps buy her a Spa day as a birthday or Christmas present , arranging in advance with your son that you will have the children? Meals or days out on "neutral" territory perhaps? I'm thinking Theme parks, adventure playgrounds, even NT houses with something for everybody.
You need some peace of mind so YOU are going to have to be the proactive one. "Smile and wave", "Rise above it" and do not let this worm of sorrow eat into your heart.

Thanks for explaining all that grannygranby.
So you only see the GC twice a year, on your birthday and at Xmas? That is a shame if there's no good reason for it.

Your daughter is right about looking on the bright side, but wasn't helping during the birthday meal by being cross that you were not angry.

Ask your daughter to take her own advice, and to stop being annoyed about the situation, as that would reduce the stress you feel about it.

If you can't drive as far as the GC's home, would it be possible to meet them at somewhere closer that they might enjoy visiting - a park or an activity of some kind? - Or even at your daughter's house, as your Dil likes to visit there?

Personally I wouldn't let it worry you. Your son visits, the grandkids visit, you see them all in other places, they take you out. The only thing that doesn't work is that woman in one particular house. Work around it, I would.

reading back I can see the consensus is that it is a doggy thing. My son loves dogs - she used to be fine ...she posts up cute dog videos...she has cats...I either get my daughter to look after them for visits - put them in car and now crates. My puppy cried and cried not understanding what was going on! It annoys my daughter immensely who thinks that far more respect should be paid to family dogs. They love visiting her house which has dogs...in fact she begs to visit. She flirts with my daughters husband and is generally submissive. Big house, important husband high status - dogs irrelevant.

might add that she is a passionate daddys girl - dismissive of her mother and an only child. I just don't cut the mustard with her. As a feminist myself she is my worst nightmare. She sees my aloneness (past twenty years) as my failure with men. Her father (mother in tow) see the girls all the time - every weekend - at her parents house and DIL has just been away with her 'papa' and the girls. that might round out the picture a bit. Life can throw some weird stuff to deal with. And I know we all do our best. But this is a forum for granny support.

thank you for all the comments. Supportive and unsupportive DILS - dont they have their own site? Isn't that Mumsnet?)
It is the most difficult one - some kind of power thing. It's not the dogs per se - I put the in a crate for the visit - cute non hair dropping doodles one a puppy.) She always takes herself of to another room - sulks and wont look at me - she has been rude like this since the day I met her - never known anything like it - however she dotes on my son and like many men he goes for the adoring doting wife with as little trouble as possible. My son often looks embarrassed by it and I think dreads any criticism of her - which I have never given. ever hopeful. She is ten years younger than he. In the meantime my son does send me videos. I accept that mother is secondary to wife. She doesn't work, nor does she want to, she dotes on the girls but is not hands on in the house. Son seems to do the cooking etc...I am just unlucky. (My house is clean and I don't smoke!). My daughter who has not had children, nor wants them, feels angy with her for not allowing me any grandmotherly joy. She thinks I am too nice to her. I hope she will soften - but she doesn't in fact the more power she has gained - child - marriage - second child the worse she has behaved. I think the only time son can put his foot down for any access to me is my birthday (roundabout it) and xmas time. The rest forget it. If only he would come over with them alone! I dream on with that one. She never lets him out of her sight. I remember once she told me they went clothes shopping for him and an assistant spoke to him directly and she told her to back off. My daughter tells me to look on the bright side- he is still in this country - he's not in prison, or drug addict. Be grateful and I am. For the bigger picture. The life experience - especially now living alone as a widow would be to walk in the woods with my very happy dogs and my grand daughters. That I will never have. Yes I could blame my son. but that won't butter the carrots. He knowss - he already feels bad about it. We all put on a brave face. But the dinner was a disaster with her sulking and my daughter cross that I am not angry- in the middle of the night I was woken with intense irregular heart palpitations that went on for two hours, thought I was having heart attack - have not told any of them cos it sounds like I am being drama queen - going to doctors this morning. And the youngest SGD managed projectile vomiting all over my son and floor in very posh crowded retaurant. So all attention on how she is (she's fime) Also add that they live a long way away - hour and half drive on hairy motorway which I am no longer up for.

I can't help thinking of the Fabreeze advert where people have gone 'nose blind' in relation to dog smells.