But you're retired, Mum!

Pollyperkins, you are my twin! ?

Your DD obviously loves gardening merlotgran - she can happily watch you doing it with a glass of in her hand!

This will be received as controversial but here goes.....
Truly gardening is something you love or loathe, and is prioritised accordingly.
If you love it you will make time for it no matter what.
If you do not love it you will allow it to slip down the "to do" list, and many non gardeners actually view it as a slightly self indulgent way of enjoying fresh air and sunshine while there are lots of other obligations that need attention.

Lilyflower. It has already happened all new young householders around here do not dream of doing the garden or tidying up outside their homes. I must look mad picking litter up outside their gates. They would rather step over it.

pollyperkins, My daughters order for delivery, difficult to mum today without a bit of help.

All grown up children nowadays with few exceptions, seem to expect support from their parents however old they are ..I don't think they 'see' or want to seem the fact that parents are getting older, and often will health problems, In some ways, it probably is true ,,,it's the way we bought them up ,,,we were generally as a generation, always there to sort out problems help with finances ..be it rent at Uni, help to buy a house (or return to live with us), help towards buying a car, childcare, etc etc .....but whereas we generally expected to look after or help our parents this generation feels no obligation to do so ....I have seen examples of grown up children looking after parents in their home (but usually not in the British culture !) ......or they complain because the parents house will have to be sold to pay for care when they cannot or do not wish to, care for their parents. I was speaking to my cousin just last week who is concerned as he and his wife are no longer in good health and cannot drive to see their son in Newcastle as it is a seven hour journey .....the daughter is a Consultant in the NHS and has no spare time to drive down to see them except for maybe a few days of her annual holiday....the son has a job which involves him travelling the world at the drop of a hat, and my cousin is now concerned as to what will happen to him and his wife as they get more dependant and frail. They would not expect to live with either child, but would like to think the children will still bother to come and see them ....they excuse them by sayig 'oh' they have busy lives, but so did they when their children needed help with child care (driving miles to do so) help with finances through Uni, etc etc .....in my husband's case his daughter has only phoned once since Christmas, and whenever we phone she is on answerphone and doesn't ring back ! I e mail her from time to time asking if she is ok and if there is a suitable time to ring for a chat ...no answer ! I am trying to tell her that her dad has just been diagnosed with Parkinsons Disease and is not very good ....don't want any help from her, but just think she should know ! but there you are ! My own daughter has not spoken to me for ten years since we sold our big renovation project and built a much smaller bungalow (DH is 84 and I am 70 but a three time cancer survivor so we never know how long we have !) ...as she decided it wasn't worth her while as there wouldn't be much money in her 'inheritance' ....makes you wonder where we went wrong ! In my husband's case his MiL lived with him and his late wife until she died .....despite becoming more erratic as time went on ,his own mother lived until she was 98 but his sister lived nearby in London (we lived in Spain, but his mum and sister used to come and stay in the summer ) so she was the main hands on carer, but the rest of the family chipped in to help ...what hope for us ?

I remember struggling with double buggy on bus, they were really unwieldy in those days !!!

My DiL was ordering her weekly shop delivery pn her phone at my house. I commented tgat I never do that (not sure how!) She said, oh, but you have to when you have small children dont you? Its too difficult otherwise.
I refrained from pointing put that Id had no choie when my childrennwere small and Id nver had a cleaner either which she has.

Merlotgran
Don't worry about Quizqueen and her rudeness, she almost always goes too far!
We do a lot for our DS and DDiL, including three ten hour days of free baby minding a week.
As we only have the one child and we're both early retired we do it all gladly, but a while ago it dawned on me that instead of being appreciated, it had become expected, which put my back up rather.
So, a few words were uttered into DS's shell-like, and now it's sorted. Tell your daughter that her piece of garden is her responsibility, and maybe give her a price list of your future gardening services

I can understand the 'outdoor housewrk' aspect though I do enjoy pottering in my tiny garden.
When you were planning your house/garden arrangements did you discuss the garden in as much detail as you did the house(s)?
Maybe if it wasn't made clear she's just assuming that the garden is still your domain.
Pointing out gently that your age is one of the reasons for your downsizing perhaps needs to be brought up again.

Our parents wouldn't have dreamed of running around for other people.
Mine were quite 'hands-on' when they came to stay, DF in the garden (thank goodness as DH was away a lot of the time) and DM helping without interfering indoors, although after she became ill and got frustrated that she needed help rather than helping us.

We try to help where we can when we visit the DC (without interfering - that's the fine line) but we may be getting to the stage where we can't do as much as we'd like and may have to sit and watch them working away with a glass of in our hands!

Oooh! I wouldn't go that far, quizqueen

You,ve always done so much for your daughter and financed her life style too. Now you are reaping what you've sown- a selfish human being!

The problem is she knows how much I love gardening. It's been my life's passion since DH pointed me in the direction of our local horticultural college back in the nineties. It was the best thing he's ever done.

DD regards gardening as outdoor housework. That's fine. I don't expect her to be as committed as I am but it was the 'You're retired' that got my goat.

I think I will take DH's advice and carry on cheerfully with our vast bit (my fault) and when they can't open their windows because the triffids have taken over she'll have to deal with it.

Having said that, the rose and clematis are looking good

One 'potters' with ease Merlotgran. I do it regularly but, with glamour? Not a chance! Totally garden scruffy and just popping out for something else when I suddenly find an hour or so has gone. Trouble with pottering is that I can never go out into the garden and feel a sense of particular achievement. It's so general but nonetheless enjoyable. Must be doing something right because the feel good factor abounds.

Cut off the whole family for eight years!

Liaisehow right you are, our parents certainly did not run around after anyone, although my grandmother was visited daily in her care home by one or other of her children until she died, however it was a couple miles from their homes. My mother downed tools when she was 53, said she had two daughters and so in future would no longer be 'doing' Christmas, in future she and Dad would spend one Christmas with us, (usually a week as we live far away) and the other with my sister (which lasted until sister had a mental breakdown and cut off the whole family for right years.) However, despite my mother being a bossy lady, I love her dearly and we do a lot for her.
However merlotgran I do think that our children don't realise that now we're retired we do feel more easily tired and despite that, many of us,including us, do a massive amount for out children and grandchildren. When mine were growing up we lived 240 miles away from either set of grandparents so got very little help at all. We are indeed the sandwich generation.

Tell her you are getting older and now feel tired more easily. Also worry about your DH health is also draining. I am sure she does not mean to be neglectful but just needs pointing in right direction. Alternatively if she does not want to do it herself why does she not pay a person a couple of hours each month to keep her her section? You could try suggesting it to her.

The problem is that you won't be willing to let him do it again and so he is off the hook.

Lots of gransnetters as highly qualified but enjoy gardening as a very relaxing occupation. Maybe you can convince him that how plants grow will be good as a arguement/diplomatic conversation piece in the Foreign office!

We seem to have raised an entitled generation of snowflakes. My DD and DS are the same. Their father and I work flat out and they watch us no doubt thinking, 'Catch me out ever being that stupid.'

What are they going to do when we all kick the bucket? There will be no one to run round after the little darlings or bail them out when they have spent all of their (our) hard earned dosh?

The last time I asked one of the DGSs to help in the garden - hoeing between rows of butternut squash - he tried to do it one handed so he could text his girlfriend with the other one. Of course he wasn't looking where he was going which resulted in a few trampled plants.

Useless? Not at all if you are aiming for a first in Political Studies. He wants to work for the Foreign Office. I wonder if he's read The Constant Gardener?

It's true that we are the sandwich generation. We spent many years visiting our parents and taking the children with us. When we arrived there were many jobs lined up for us. I don't think we ever had a proper holiday because the time was used in duty visits. We are still visiting MIL in her care home. It is a thirteen hour day, most of it driving on motorways. We are in our mid seventies. Our parents wouldn't have dreamed of running around for other people. They expected to be fetched and carried. Now we are always helping out with children and grandchildren but I haven't noticed much help coming the other way. It will be interesting when we do need assistance whether any comes.

I'm sorry. Mine are all sure we can and will do it all, and we do.

As DH cuts the lawn it doesn't really seem like that piece of garden is her responsibility and she waited long enough and you sorted out the borders. What is she to think, mum and dad will look after my bit of garden like they have helped out with other things all my life.

I think the only thing you can so is ask her to do some small things for you and next time the plants are in danger tell her what she needs to do for them. I am afraid you might have to watch them die before she realises this is her responsibility. It would be churlish if DH didn't cut her bit of lawn when he has a ride on mower but when he is ill or frailer maybe she or one of the grandchildren could be asked to do it.

One gets ones DH to do all the really hard slog, or ones big strong son!