Sibling Fallout

Keep out of it sheian, please don't interfere. Twenty odd years ago, I had a massive falling out with one of my siblings. My mother was very upset and unhappy about it and kept trying to force us to reconcile. No conversation or meeting with her would pass without her trying to "put things right". But she made things worse and the whole situation was inflamed further because she then became angry that she wasn't making any progress. Had she kept neutral, not interfered and let my sibling and I sort it out ourselves, things would have been resolved much quicker.

Thanks Darnsarf. I would never force a reconciliation. I agree siblings need to sort the mess out as they are adults and each of them will have their own conscience. A marriage will be taking place for one of them next year and there is going to be no invitation sent out for the other one and there are 3 elderly grandparents/great grandparents who are going to be upset also if/when we have a funeral someone will either not be going or neither of them to avoid any ugly scenes which is highly possible.

Please keep your feelings to yourself. Let them sort it if they will.

That's very hard for you, but you have to remain detached from their falling out and not try to force them together, (because that is how they will view it). You almost need to accept the situation for what it is at its worst and just be quietly supportive when either party comes to ask your opinion or advice.

I have a friend in this same situation which for her has gone on for over 10 years with no improvement in her childrens' ( mid late 40's) relationship. They do not see each other.
Its hard, but she sees them both separately and has tried to keep out if it, but it hurts her a great deal.
Its early days sheian, i hope your children sort this out but there is little you can do unfortunately. Getting involved will not help.

Keep your neutral stance. They will hopefully sort it out in the end, but if not, it's their misfortune. With me it's estrangement with my DDs and I break my heart every day, but when I attended my mum's funeral (they were not going to let me know, but the solicitor advised me and I went with MIL, one of her best friends), I said to them "Let's build bridges and try to make peace". They snubbed me, at which point I decided life's too short to worry about petty-minded people, even my much-loved daughters. My DS long ago decided that, although he has always wanted to be reconciled, they won't listen, so has decided that to him they are dead.

My son and daughter had a similar problem for about three years, but it has resolved itself without my intervention, so there's hope!

There is indeed hope. DS fell out with the others majorly. He decided he would have nothing to do with DD, who had her own personal problems at the time and really needed family support. She was distraught, as were we, the others advised us to keep out of it, so hard to do.

However when DDiL was put in very awkward position by DS, my own DD stepped in to help her, organising a band of friends to spend a whole weekend getting things done for her. Now DD has been out to spend a weekend with DS and his family, so we can breathe again. No guarantee, but if one party wants to make up, with time it should happen. My thoughts are with you, I pray it will happen for you too.

They have to sort it out between themselves - you are doing the right thing to keep on good terms with both. Luckily all my DDs get on well together, but, thinking about it after reading your post, I realise how very sad I would feel if that were not the case and I really extend much sympathy to you. You are in a difficult place, and standing back (the only thing you can do) is going to be hard I am sure.

Have a similar situation both dil have fallen out and ds both take their wives side (natually) so ds to not talk to each other now, have said that at some stage they will have to talk but it will be too lat efor either myself or dh. Would love to get all 3 dgc together but that is impoossibe with the situation as it is.

Oh how I sympathise Sheisn57 it must be awful to be "pig in the middle" like that.

One tiny bit of advice I would give is not to start rearranging things to suit each party. For example, if you are having a family get together extend the invite as usual but don't start getting into " if she's coming then I'm not " arguments and don't set up separate get togethers to help them avoid each other, either. Just be as normal as you can . Say " I was rather hoping it was me you were visiting but if you feel you can't come that's fair enough"
That was you can't ever be accused of taking sides .
Good luck. I do hope it's all resolved soon. Families eh ?

My brother fell out with me and we had no contact for over a year. However, it was at my nephew's wedding that we just naturally gravitated towards each other and spoke as if nothing had happened.

Things are not quite the same between us, but it's much better than before.

My mother did not get involved, she knew the reasons behind our rift but let us be the adults we are. Hopefully yours will too given time. x

Very wise advice, gillybob, re carrying as normal wherever possible and staying out of any behind the scenes wrangling. Some people wear themselves out duplicating family events to suit everybody. Best of luck, OP, and I hope your problems are short-lived.

There are times when I am so pleased I am an only child as is my DD. Seriously the advice given is really good, no matter what stay neutral & refuse to comment. Vision of you sticking your fingers in your ears & going "lalala" if any of them try to draw you in. They're adults not naughty children. I hope things resolve for you.

So sad and as the advice given above is to stay neutral I would. I will say this though, my d and s were very close, and I am glad if that because when my s died my daughter was like us heartbroken. You never know what is round the corner of life.

Thank you. Just need to pray for healing in time x

Good advice. I do tend to arrange separate get together as I don't want conflict but it should be their decision if they don't want to be there. One that is hurtful is my DS has had a child 6 months ago but DD has not acknowledged our first GD, her first niece. This has saddened me as they were all very close growing up and looked out for each other.

Usually there are enough people at weddings and funerals to avoid anyone you don't want to talk to.

I would put it to both of them that they are of course at liberty to completely ignore each other but owe it to the extended family and especially to you to be present and put their feeling aside for a few hours.

We had a very similar thing with son1 and son3 from last November until two weeks ago..broke my heart..not going into details...but I decided to stand back and not interfere or try to fix things..thankfully all is now well....Amen✨

I've had a similar situation after fallouts with both of my brothers (the two of them having had a massive fallout too). Everyone seemed to take our parents into consideration but since they both died a couple of years ago, we're no longer in contact with each other.

I really tried my best not to upset my parents and always made the first move to put things right. However there's only so much you can do and I've decided to walk away. We're all in our fifties and sixties and it's very sad but I'm looking after myself now.

I suppose yours is a more complicated situation but it compares to my mums. I would be heartbroken if my kids had a problem with each other.

I would let them know separately how much it is upsetting you and ask them if they would think again about "burying the hatchet" - i.e. Kiss and make up as life is too short to hold grudges. Tell them it would mean the world to you as you have it on your mind and it is making you unhappy.
(It worked for me.)

Or you could put the above in a letter and mention you would be happy to help if needed.
I expect neither want to make the first move. Perhaps they both need a gentle push! Surely they don't want to make their mother unhappy! Good luck!

I'm sorry I can't offer any advice as I have never experienced sibling or family fall-out. It brings home to me how very very lucky I am, which makes me feel for you all the more. I hope it works itself out.

I definitely agree you should not have separate occasions. Have just the one and invite them both. It's then up to them to make their own decisions-hopefully they'll both be stubborn and decide they will both go!
Keeping schtum is definitely the way to go-apart from saying, just the once, how saddened you are by their fall out. Then zip it!

Invite them all to everything you do and let them make their own decisions.........sometimes reconcilliation just happens spontaneously at the right moment, when that moment is ...well tht is anybody's guess.