Stepson wants more from late father

I am so sorry to read your post, please accept my condolences.

I can understand. Wills seems to bring out the worst in people, along with expectations.

Probate can take an age to sort out, and it's a very stressful procedure, I know having been through the process when my mil died, and all we had was calls about when they would get their money. The last thing you need at this time is someone harping on about their legacy.

In general, children, unlike spouse's, have no legal right to inherit; it's the expectation which results in disappointment.

I think it would be appropriate to tell the son that you cannot deal with his questions at this time. Until probate has been granted, you can do nothing anyway. Deal with one thing at a time and allow yourself to grieve, even if others won't.

I hope you are getting support from someone to help you through this very difficult time. You really need to put yourself first, everyone else can wait. xx

Trueblue -
First, condolences to you for the death of your obviously much loved husband. I have a friend whose husband died in March and she's finding the various arrangements she must make so stressful, on top of her grief. I think that's enough for you to cope with at this early stage.
Write back to your stepson and say you can't give him a reply at the moment - leave it a while. If and when you're able to give considered thought.
I'm in the same position as many others here - 3 children of my own and one of my husband's from his first marriage. So it's going to be difficult to keep everyone happy.

Families fall out all the time over wills . I know to my cost . I think you husband was more than generous to leave that sum of money to the children . I hope he left you enough to be comfortable off . it seems a lot to me to take out of what would be joint money . Do not promise this sepson anything at all just ignore his pleas . you never know what the future will bring .

It's your money to do with as you please. You can reassess in the future, if you choose to do so. You are still raw with emotion understandably. Put yourself first.

Sorry to hear your sad tale ,,,one of the reasons I am glad that here in France inheritance law is very specific ....everything to the children (inlcuding the inheritance tax, funeral costs and payment of any outstanding commitments !) ...you can take out life insurance to ensure they do not have enormous bills to pay prior to them selling the house (or living in it if they want)...and if you have step children as we do, the Testament can state that on the death of the first spouse, everything is left to the surviving spouse, with proviso that on the death of that spouse, the property is split in equal parts to the step children. If this is not specified, then, for instancem if the husband died first everything could go to his child, and you may or may not be granted a right to live in the house under usufruct ..although there is also a requirement if the child sells the marital home some provision for the surviving spouse must be made. No one can leave a house to the Cat's home (although we would like to !)......the children can also declare they do not want to take up their inheritance, as often it will involve enormous cost ...and they must then make a notorised declaration to this effect !

In my case, when my mum died, my dad inherited the house, sold it and bought a retirement flat (we were very happy for him to do so ) ...and then left the money from the sale of that, plus some small investments, to my brother and I in equal parts and he also had a funeral plan ...brilliant ! I HATE those funeral plan ads on tv BUT they really DO make sense. All we had to find was the money for the redecoration of the apartment, and solicitors charges (which were covered anyway by the inheritance ,,and as it was only small, there was no inheritance tax !

It does sound in this case however that the son (he is after all 40 years old !) had an expectation beyond what he received ...which, given that you say he lived rent free in your holiday home to write (what luxury !) I guess he should be asked for retrospective rent money ...seems he has already been give more than enough !..other than that I would ignore the request ..BUT be prepared if he should contest the Will, and have all bills relating to loans, rent free accommodation, other things paid for, etc etc as the only way you can prove he had been sufficiently helped over the years is a paper trail.....

You really do not need this at such a time ....but you do have your children for support ! bon courage

Unfortunately my father did not write a will. At the end of his life he told my brother and sister he wanted to leave a small bequest from his shares to each of us, his five children and his one stepson, that never happened. He went on to say when my stepmother died his five children were to have half and his stepson was to have the other half. DF and SM brought similar amounts and property to the marriage. My brother said SM got up and walked into another room during this conversation.

We know what will happen, SM will leave everything to her son. None of us have said anything to her, nor will we but we know she knows what my DF wanted.

DF would have been upset to know SM tried to sell my DC my father's fishing rods when a couple of years later they kindly helped her move into a retirement village. She also gave away an electric train set that my parents bought years earlier for my brother. I had not one thing of my father's and asked when she was moving if I could have a small book about our ancestors. SM said no she wanted to read it, though it wasn't a book about her ancestors.

Nelliemoser it may be down to the shortage of land in London.

Trueblue22 I think you have responded the best way you could in the circumstances. I am disappointed to see how many respondents have missed the information clearly set out in your post and the following conversation. He has had a generous bequest already. He has a mother of his own who can leave him whatever she likes in her own will. You owe him nothing more.
I am very sorry you have received harsh comments accusing you of treating this man poorly. This, by your account, was never the case and the agitation and distress of having to defend yourself will not have been helpful to your recovery from the shock and pain of your loss. Please don't let this side issue distract you from what you need to do to aid your own grieving. I wish you peace and consolation

Thanks for the clarification. I didn't assume it was a Jewish funeral. My DH's cousin died 3 years ago and - we think - he belonged to the synagogue. Have no idea of the costs, though. What upset DH a bit, though, was that cousin had battled acute myeloid leukaemia for the 3 years before that, been in hospital for various long periods of treatment, and although he mentioned that he was a member of his local synagogue in Harrow, he received no kind of spiritual comfort or support, not even a visit from a hospital chaplain. That was in direct contrast to the support and comfort DH has had from his local church and our church community.

He and cousin had grown up together like brothers, gone swimming together etc but their paths had diverged in adulthood. We visited the grave - it's the same cemetery where Amy Winehouse is buried - by then it had a gravestone erected and a huge slab of what looked like marble on top of it. We took flowers although we know that's frowned on, and we said the Lord's Prayer together. Cousin had been DH's best man when we got married, although his brother would not have been there because it was in a church.

DH also went to another cousin's funeral near Waltham Abbey although that particular cousin wouldn't speak to him. They'd played together as kids too. Apparently she talked about him to her neighbours, but refused to speak to him. No prizes for guessing why not. I'm a shiksa and that's racism.

Riverwalk "Your late husband left equal bequests to all three children - so, why when you die will you leave everything, much of it accumulated jointly with your DH, to only your two children?"

Yes, why?

Maybe the OP meant the total cost of the funeral, rather than just the internment, service, etc.

The friend I quoted above had a similar bill, after taking into account the very generous (full bar) funeral tea for a lot of people.

I really cannot believe that anyone of any religion HAS to pay that much for a funeral. (Not all Jews have that sort of money, despite what any anti-semites might want you to believe.)

Just poking about on this on Google it seem costs might depend on what sort of branch of Judaism and which synagogue burial ground you wish to be buried in.

That sounds not unlike C of E churches a century and more ago where the gentry could rent seats in the best part of the church and the peasants sat at the back.

Still our ends are the same wherever we are put.
"Then worms shall come and eat thee up." (Probably not on Ilkely moor though.)

Also see DH has already made a generous bequest of £210000 to all three children in equal parts . Not generous?

Your late husband left equal bequests to all three children - so, why when you die will you leave everything, much of it accumulated jointly with your DH, to only your two children?

I appreciate that you will hopefully live for many more years so whatever you have right now should remain with you. In the future, there may not be much left anyway, given care home costs, etc., but why when you die would you not give equal shares to the three sons?

For anyone doubting the cost of the funeral, I have just googled "Jewish Funerals" and found an article dating back to February 2014 quoting in excess of £12000 for someone who hadn't joined the synagogue. It stands to reason that inflation will have bumped the cost up to that quoted by the OP. I had a look at this, not because I doubted OP for one minute but because I empathised with her,being in a similar situation myself with stepchildren who had told their father they didn't want him in their lives and didn't attend his funeral crawling out of the woodwork now he has gone.

If you belong to a synagogue the fee covers funeral costs. We hadn't joined as we had just moved back to London from Brighton.

Brighton costs would have been £9000 +/- but death happened in London. Don't ask me why it's so expensive because we only use simple coffins without embellishments and they are buried in a shroud. The grounds are immaculately maintained though

How people sometimes act in these circumstances is very upsetting and shameful (a dear son-in-law experienced such greed). However, looking at it from a purely logical and totally fair perspective I would have thought that a will leaving 5/12 to each of your joint children and 2/12 to your (insensitive and self-centred) SS would be a possible solution. But no-way would I let him know this at present, were you to decide on such an action - let him sweat. Anyway you could possibly outlive him.

trueblue22 please claify: funeral cost £16K+ as DH wasn't covered.

Do you mean covered by insurance or - as has been mentioned, Jewish funerals, covered by paying into the synagogue?

I'm like others, a bit gobsmacked at that price.

He is his father's son so he has a right to ask although his timing i a bit off.

nelliemoser i think you need to read the whole thread for background, especially cost of the funeral. With the memorial stone & service, cost will be nearer £20000.

Also see DH has already made a generous bequest of £210000 to all three children in equal parts . Not generous?

My daughter was engaged to be married and living with a man who died just before they married. Leaving a son from his previous relationship. He was young and intended changing his will after his marriage to my daughter. He had not been married to his sons mother. My.daughter was put out of the house they lived in by his family. The will was worth 1.4 million, true. My daughter was injured in their accident where her fiancé was killed and was evicted by the sons mother who took every single thing because Will was not updated. My daughter knows her fiancé wanted to contribute most of his money to his son with enough for her to live on till at least she recovered from critical injuries. She got not a think. So you must make a new will for yourself. The three children get their bequests due them from their father and it seems a lot. It's up to you what u do what is left. You have by that time done ur husbands wishes. See a good solicitor, get advice, and write a new will. If u wish you can leave a bequest to your step son, but it's your choice. Do it now and get it all over.

Your husband left his children what he decided to in his will and the rest to you to do with as you saw fit and that is what I would tell his son. It was up to him to leave some provisional wishes in his will for his first son; he is not your responsibility.

I would, however, as a gesture make some small provision for him in your will but not equal to your own children/grandchildren as the money that was built up as joint is now entirely yours. It's a shame you had to sell your investment property to pay out to the children as that would have been a good inheritance for them.

I would distance yourself from this son and just confirm that his father's wishes, as written in his will, will be carried out.

You poor thing. Feel for your loss. You have done the right thing and now need time to grieve. Death seems to bring out the best and worst in people. Your husband's will was clear and you have abided by that. End of.
It is always hard. I remember all too clearly when my father died 20 years ago and left me to sort out what he thought was straightforward: he had left everything to me( not my then stepmother he was divorcing nor to my step brother or step sister nor my sister... I have one son and he actually wanted all left to him as step mother had stopped him seeing his grandson ...the will did make it clear if my son was 16 it would go to him but he died faster than we hoped and he was only 13). My sister didn't speak to me for months, I ended up giving the stepmother the half a house left to me...a lot of money as 20 years ago that was a house valued at 400,000 and was already under contract, also gave her money and my sister and told her children to ask her for money when they begged from me. At the time I was the lowest paid and was looking after my father as no one else felt able to even though I was the only one with a child to support. Step brother ended up being a millionaire without my or his father's help and no idea what happened to step sister or step mother as too acrimonious!
Good luck.

Nelliemoser, the stepson has been left a bequest in his faher's will.

The OP doesn't say how the sum of £210,000 is divided between the three children, but his share is likely to be substantial. He's not been left penniless.

I'm sorry for your loss. If your late DH did not meke provision in the will for his son, then you are under no obligation to give him anything. Did he have much contact with your DH or has he just popped out of the woodwork? A will can be challenged if a dependant of the deceased has no provision for the continuance of the support, but for a 40 year old I would doubt it could succeed. However it sounds very much as though you brought a considerable contribution to your DH's finances and maybe DH's son is not aware of this. Don't do anything rash, or feel guilt that your DH did not leave anything to his son. If you feel, when things have settled down you would like to offer a small legacy then do so but you should not feel you have an obligation.

If you were together for 35 year with this husband I would have thought the stepson had some entitlement to money from the family estate whoever he lived with!

£16,000 for a funeral? That is a hell of a lot of money,
this scenario is beginning to sound rather odd to me.

"Funeral costs vary depending on your location, the circumstance of the death and your requirements for the funeral. "The average cost of a funeral with a traditional burial is £4,136 and the average cost of a funeral with cremation is £3,214 (according to the Royal London National Funeral Cost Index Report 2016).21 Jun 2017"

It sounds to me very unfair to the stepson for his late father for his son not to be included in his fathers estate to a reasonable level.
Even if the stepson likely to get any decent inheritance from his mother?
How would any of you feel if one of your parents said well your dad has died. I have got all his money to deal with, so I am not letting you, my stepchild, have any of your dad's money?