Stepson wants more from late father

I'm so sorry for you loss.

It seems you have accomplished what you desired from the get on.

An update...

Received a solicitor's letter sent to the firm of solicitors dealing with DH probate. Says DSS wants to do a search of DH's "affairs" and and to see if there is another later will floating around. If nothing turns up, he reserves the right to contest the will. He actually has no grounds but is willing to put me through this further anguish and maybe deplete whatever estate has been left.

My solicitor has replied, as I'm also the executor, that we give him 28 days to search at his expense. We will vigourously defend any claim contesting will and reserve rights as to costs.

I have now just changed my will leaving DSS nothing, whereas before he was going to get 20%.

I feel nothing but contempt for the way he has behaved

I would accept it at face value and be grateful. Perhaps he has been through some sort of breakdown, obviously your DH's passing was a shock to everyone. Or maybe someone has told him what an idiot he is being.

It will take time to get over the hurt and worry he has inflicted, but maybe in due course, one or more of your children may feel up to to meeting him for a drink or dinner, in the not too distant future. This will help him to feel that the family is not abandoning their relationship with him. Unlike you and your children, he may have no one to talk to about his father, and is bearing his grief alone, feeling shut out from your family by the terms of the will which, although totally fair and reasonable, was obviously a shock to him. It looks as though he thought that, as the eldest son, he had a special relationship with his father, and has now brutally discovered, via the terms of the will, that he was totally equal to your children, and that you as his wife, come first. All perfectly natural and logical of course, but this is a single man, privately educated, working free lance, and as such appears to be very naive and unaware of the realities of life. He has had a sudden, nasty awakening, and is probably to be pitied more than anything. Perhaps he desperately needs a hug above all else.

ap123, I would feel the same if my bio children had called me cold & heartless and had given them 35 years of pain. It was a cackhanded and very hurtful thing to say to me. I was always warm, welcoming and DSS was given lots of support from me, My children do not recognise what he has accused me of and are very upset about their brother.

The fact that he asked how much I was leaving him in the same breath as mentioning the above, was totally uncalled for and insensitive.

He has since sent me a card just saying "I'm writing to say I'm sorry". Not sorry for the above, just sorry. I have replied to say I appreciate the card - mainly because of his half siblings- and left it at that.

Maybe he will have to justify his outburst in time, but I need time to heal myself.

"Just received another email from DSS saying that because I won't say what will be in my will, that confirms to him how little I felt about him."

I can understand that: you are clearly not thinking of him as part of your family, just the departed husband's family. Reading through this thread I think there was a very sensible suggestion by someone else: half of your estate can be divided between your biological children and the other half divided between all three children in acknowledgment that some of that was built together with their father. That would give the step son about 15% of your estate and each of your children a little over 40% with a clear explanation for the difference. That the step son will eventually inherit from his mother is neither here or there. Being acknowledged in your will is about acknowledging his life as a step son and the years of weekends and hollidays and what ever else you did for him being done out of love and not just obligation.
The way I read his initial question is "Am I still part of your family now that dad is gone?" Your silence and negative response translates as "nope" or "maybe, dunno, I'll think about it".

It's an olive branch, he has made the first move. How does it not seem sincere? What else needs saying?

Maybe he's been reading Gransnet .

My DS thinks DSS 'can't go there at the moment' and as you say silverlining, it's a start!

Well its a start, an olive branch perhaps?

I've just received a card in the post from DSS saying 'I'm just writing to say I'm very sorry'. No dear or love and no explanation of why he's sorry, or if he's just sorry I'm his horrid stepmother.

I'm not sure how to take this, as it doesn't seem very sincere and the sentiment is too short and doesn't take away the hurt.

It might make DSS feel better, but it still leaves everything in the air with regard to his real feelings and intentions.

You could tell him he will not be included in you will, your money is for your own children

My heart goes out to you. While it may be that DSS has always been a spoilt, selfish money grabber, it is also possible that he is, like you, in shock and grieving, and hitting out at you as the one nearest to his late father. It is very sad.
I would send him one last letter saying that although you love him and see him as part of the family, you need time to grieve and are too upset by his attitude to correspond with him any more, and that in future any necessary correspondence regarding your husband's bequest to him, will be dealt with through official channels and any other correspondence in any form will be ignored/destroyed. . Give him the address of an official channel to write to, and block him from phone and email correspondence. Tell him that you hope to see him again in the future but that once the provisions of the will have been honoured you will be having no further financial dealings with him. Your will is, and always will be, a private matter, and has nothing to do with him, and will never be open to discussion. if he starts bothering your daughters they may have to take similar action.
It is so unfair that you have to deal with this, but unfortunatey is only too common a situation where money is involved.

Just received another email from DSS saying that because I won't say what will be in my will, that confirms to him how little I felt about him. He says he has to deal with 35 years of pain-the length of time I was married to his father.

He is making me out to be stereotypical heartless, wicked stepmother, which i, my friends & bio children just don't recognise. If anything, I have him more attention and respect than my own -when I saw him.

I am so upset this weekend, I just can't stop crying. I wish my DH had explained his will to the children. It's now left to me to take the flak.

My DD suggested I block him so I wouldn't get more upset. I've lost both my parents, one at 16, but the pain and loss is nothing like this!

Anniebach "Why is death of a spouse more difficult to cope with than death of a parent?"
Well I've lost both my parents in the last couple of years, and as an adult I can honestly say that didn't find their deaths that difficult to cope with. Whilst I loved them both, they were not part of my day-to-day life, since we lived so far from each other. And lets face it, we expect to lose our parents. We don't think about it consciously, but it is the natural order for the older generation to die before the younger.

If I try to imagine the death of my husband, suddenly & unexpectedly, I well up. And as I type this I can hear him on the phone in the other room, so I know he's still with me. But my eyes are filled with tears. My day-to-day life would change completely, unlike when my parents died, and my future would be vague and unknown, unlike the solid expectations I currently have.

So yes, I think that the death of a parent is far easier to cope with than the death of a spouse.

It is just a post. It shouldn't be in the Blog section - that is where GNHQ put the blogs that they have commissioned links to. It isn't for casual blogging - if you want a blog you need to get a webpage and staret your own.

I've just noticed that this is a 'Blog' - was it always a Blog?

My first husband the father of my eldest only son, who never had any more children, and married his GF (who he never lived with) 4 months before his death from cancer, left his son nothing of his estate, just some personal effects. So his total estate with pass eventually to her children his step children 3/4 over the age of 18. My son didn't need the money, but his first born and obviously his fathers first DGD was 6 months old was left nothing either. It hurts very much as if he n the DGD his father was so very pleased about we're nothing to him! When we divorced maintaince was a joke he rarely contributed.
We like to think he didn't realise how much he was actually worth, house, insurances, death in service, pension etc

I am sorry you have lost your husband and now have all this c...p from your insensitive as. He is an adult, he has been left some money , he was not forgotten or left out and that is it. Who you name in your will is your business and yours only., I am sorry if this sounds harsh to some people but a will is your wishes. You need peace and calm at a time like this and I hope you get it

So you don't think it is odd or bit strange to cite exactly what a former spouse got in a settlement that really had nothing to do with you. That you shouldn't make sure that a father not only fulfils his financial commitment to a child but provides the emotional support he needs and that in marrying someone with a child it is part of your duty to continue to support that child .
If anyone has been counting pennies previously it has been the OP, and perhaps she shouldn't be surprised that this is now what is happening to her. He isn't demanding her money simply asking what will happen and what she intends to do.
And as I said we only have her side of the story. You could say I got 100% of the house and maintenance for 3 children. Put like that it sounds good. It wasn't it was a struggle.

He wants her money! It's hers! Not his fathers, not his, not his brothers even!
OP has to live! Has to eat and pay bills. So please explain to me on what planet he gets to demand to take her money!

I don't see implied resentment there, trisher. I assumed the OP was trying to show us that her stepson has not been badly treated. And I for one don't think he has.

Unless of course it's resentment that now he feels the need to harrass her with emails demanding more money?

Where is resentment towards the stepson implied in any of that?

Ana do you nothing there is implied resentment in
1) My DH left made a huge settlement on his first wife and son when they divorced 40 years ago. She got 75% share of the house and received regular maintenance. He also contributed 50% of school fees for 12 years. My dss will inherit from his mum, most of which was as a result of DH contribution.

(2) His mum comes from a wealthy family and I'm sure was left comfortably off by her parents.

I got 100% of a house from my ex when we divorced and maintenance for the children. Of course the house was mortgaged but someone could say much the same of me. Not the wealthy family though and I have worked and paid the mortgage myself so it maybe isn't the huge gift it seems