Argy-Bargy Cafe - enter at your peril ?

Would somebody remove all these furry things from my bag of shopping?

A large raspberry gin and a packet of pork scratchings ( what are they btw?) please landlord, or is it landlady, hard to tell, six feet tall, well muscled arms, tatoos, green spiky hair, could be anything.??

I don't believe that I've had the pleasure of meeting the Admiral yet. Should I bake him something?

Lady Gracie do you have fancy connections like damejudyclench? You are most welcome to the Argy, I will bake some more of those special brownies to welcome you both

LadyGracy, it is so good to have some new members, you are most welcome to join us for some chaotic fun in the Argy.

There is just one house rule: STAY AWAY FROM THE ADMIRAL, HE IS MINE, as the others all know from previous experiences.

At your own riskLADYGRACIE. I have a form for you to sign as the management will not be responsible for your behaviour. Help yourself. Not sure what the yellow stuff is though. HEALTH WARNING Don't eat the nuts.

I don't know what you're all on, could I trouble you to let me try some?

Xavier xenos and Xenophon have definitely been at the pies as there are vast amounts of raisins in with the nuts on the bar

Mines a large one. I must rush. Freddy, Flora and Fiona have got into the pies again and Wimpey and Wilson Homes are coming this morning to check my pastry. I wish CHEWBACCA would keep her drawers closed. There are ferrets everywhere.

The next round's on me btw. What are you all having?

Thank you for your warm welcome roses

Although your standards would have to be pretty low if I were to be expected to raise them.

Well Liaise my mother did spend rather an indecent amount of time hanging around the docks, but I don't remember her running a laundry. Although, I do remember her coming home minus some items of clothing..

By the way, don't get pally with the admiral even if your mother did know him. MARYDOLL can be a tarter if anyone fancies him.

Hello Dame Judy welcome to our little establishment. Life as you know it will never be the same. Some say abandon hope all ye who enter and who am I to argue with that. I remember your mother, Mrs Clench. Didn't she run a laundry down in the docks? The admiral might remember. One won't ask how you came by your dame hood. We are of a sensitive nature here as you will have noticed. It will certainly raise the standards to have a bit of posh totty around.

Morning roses. Here's your and

Isn't it exciting that we've got theatrical royalty in the bar! Dirty Gerty's bar down the road will be green with envy. Maybe you could arrange for some of your navy or was Air Force pals to come in and be introduced to her?

Hello DameJudy ......I can see you will fit in well with our clientele here, so thrice welcome!

Where are little Eggbert, Elaine,Etienne and Wayne?I take it we are the only drinking establishment with alphabetical ferrets in town?That should bring the punters in.

Just a large espresso and a doughnut for me this morning please, got a bit if a hangover.

Welcome judyclench nice to meet you, bow bow grovel grovel

Sorry I only use the financial times in our house as bog paper, I find Country Life a bit slippy

Don't go to any trouble for me ladies, I'm an old hand at slumming it. I once had to eat a Ginsters pie in a moment of desperation. Cost me a fortune in counselling I can tell you.

Have you tried copies of Private Eye tied up with recycled thongs Mary Not just absorbent, but an excellent, informed and witty read, whilst pushing out a few devil's dumplings...

No she ain't!

Oh no! I've finished them all. I always need a nibble when I am inebriated/intoxicated/incapacitated/ in and out of consciousness.
There is no posh paper left either, I gave it to the Admiral, as only the best is good enough for him.
I'll rip up some sheets of the Sunday Times and thread them together with some purple ribbon. She is royalty, after all.

Bugger! MARYDOLL , leave the slippy Sizal paper in the outside lav!

Oooh! Marydoll! Royalty at last! Can't wait to tell Menopaws & roses that we've had Her Royal Highness DameJudy in tonight! Shall I go and put some of that posh toilet paper in the outside lav, rather than the slippy Sizal stuff? Just in case HRH DameJudy wants to "go"? And did you check that dish of "nibbles" on the bar? Donald, Damien, Dorothy and Larry were there earlier and I think they might have left "little bits" in the dish. probably add some flavour though .

Sadly not, but I can certainly clench with the best of them.

The closest I ever got to royalty, was stepping in a steaming pile left by Princess Anne's horse sometime in the '70s.