Argy-Bargy Cafe - enter at your peril ?

Soop, is the dishy singer still around? I've googled directions and it will only take me three hours and 48 minutes to get to Campbeltown. (That is if we use the tandem and Big Jim pedals too.) I think I will have to "audition " him before we make a decision, and the others get their hands on him first.
A bit of kultur is just what we need to get the punters into the Caff. We could get the artiste to sing that well known Scottish song,
"Campbeltown Loch, I wish you were whisky
Campbeltown Loch, och-aye
Campbeltown Loch, I wish you were whisky
I would drink you dry.

Paintings? Opera? Live classical music? What's happening to the Argy? We'll have to clean the sawdust from the floor and have "^artisan rugs^"; remove the ferret droppings from the sandwich maker and serve cocktails and canapés instead of homebrew and pickled eggs and pork scratchings. Not sure I like the gentrification of our old caff. No more brawls with *Marydoll and Lemon*; no more slanging matches with Big Jim and Little Willie. shuffles off even more depressed than before

Marydoll You'll never guess. Well I shall bore you rigid with the details anyways. Pals treated us to a wonderful performance of Opera Highlights in Campbeltown. Just four professional young singers and a maestro of a pianist. I would never have considered opera to be fun. Fun - yes, in spades. The Baritone - Alexy Gusev was dishy. Three others laydees and I threw a dice. He's mine a week on Tuesday! I was wondering whether the Argie Bargie Caff might like a similar evening of classy entertainment. I can sing (mostly in B flat) A tricky thing to manage when the key is someplace other than. Beggars can't be choosers. I'll put my name down for 'Ah, quell diner' (Tipsy Song) it's okay not to know the words. Just sing la la (a lot) and roll aboot the stage and you'll be fine!

No but could be busier but cosy is good too, we can do cosy as soop has been teaching us

Better look out. I think Chewy may try to snaffle them for another thread, which shall remain nameless. You know we are not allowed to mention other threads. She loves a bit of tat. (No offence intended)
I'm so pleased that the Caff is open tonight. I wondered if you were all away in Soop's kitchen partying without me.

Fear they might be used as a dartboard but always looking to add a bit of class!

Thought they might add some class to the AB and boost profits as art lovers from across the ? rush to view them.

I’ve got some ‘paintings’ in the attic that we inherited when MiL went to the big café in the sky. Might they tart the place up a bit?

One is a very odd green lady in exotic dress, another has two a fighting cockerels (best not to abbreviate word that ‘cos Chewbacca will get all excited) and the other is a small boy with big tear on his cheek (tear as in drop of water not a rip)

What d’you think?

Come on ladies let's show lemon that we can keep the profits up while she's away, she's put a lot of work into keeping the caff afloat, I propose a happy hour now and all drinks half price

Please Menopaws watch your liver- you only have one and it is difficult nowadays to get a liver transplant as so many livers are pickled.

It's ok I'll step up and do my share of bar work folks at least until I slip under the counter after drinking too many barmans perks

Sorry, cannot do bar work because I cannot stand for longer than 10 minutes. More than happy to put my management skills to test by sitting watching the proceedings and sorting everybody out. There will not be any rowdiness- you must not forget I am more familiar with a more genteel way of life in soop's kitchen.

I have had my eyes open here and thank goodness I had a convent education because I did not understand 99% of what was going on. I knew that the nuns would come up trumps sometime. Not everybody could recite the mass in Latin could they? It did not go down well on CVs.

We need all hands to the bar, I can’t do everything and will be away for the next few days, ( the Captain is taking me out to sea for a while, we will be sharing a cabin, so am off to iron all my black lacy undies) not to mention shaving my legs and chin stubble, and I have to wash my wig as well, so no time to sit and chat!?
Please feed the dog! Byeee!

Not wide enough!

He might have a wide-angled lens ?

Show him your huge knickers, that will break his camera

Well, those cadets are expected to maintain a certain level of fitness and boy are they fit?
Enough said?
Has anyone any ideas on how to distract the photographer, waiting outside?
We have a party to go to????????

OK I’ve been down the Seaman’s Mission with the begging box and raised 36p and called at the Irish Club on the way back and begged another £1.48. So that’s just about enough to get you lot bailed if I chuck in the extra 14p and they accept the £1 coin before it goes out of circulation.

What d’you mean “we’re happy where we are?’

I did find a Webpage on a dodgy site called Go Fun Us - you really must clean your glasses Marydoll and check your predictive texts - bonds are not the same as bondage. Tutt tutt.

Oh Soop thank you for the compliment about the Caff. We welcome anyone, posh or not.
I admit to lurking in your more refined Café (note the correct spelling) it's so warm and cosy and everyone is extremely kind to each other. Being used to the cut and thrust of the Caff, I'm afraid I may post something too risque for kindly folk, so I never quite know what to say and refrain from posting.
The Caff on the other hand is more robust and we all talk a load of rubbish, but we too are friendly and never turn anyone away.
The reason it was quiet is we are all banged up with the police cadets standing guard and a DM photographer stationed outside. I don't know who told you that particulars were taken down, we don't wear any.
The regular police officers, are I believe presently having an audition with Chewy for the forthcoming extravaganza at the Argy. She was suffering from the after effects of your disgusting delicious Eton Mess and was otherwise engaged in outside lav when we were raided.
The rest of us are trying to raise the £1.99 bail bond to secure our release, but as I had previously raided the swear box for my Italian trip, we can only manage 21p and a suspender button, which I think Bam Bam lost in the struggle with the Chief Superintendent.
Do you think if I posted the address of our "Go fund us" webpage on GN, we may receive some donations?

Do you really have posh peeps in your kitchen soop ( very doubtful, that) and what about your hygene eh?
There’s always a cat asleep on a counter top, which accounts for all those hairs in the eton mess.?
I would say that The Argy is homely ( you need a few germs, pets, and untidyness to make a place feel like home)
So, come on in, put your feet up and sing along with me,
‘Come round any old time, make yerself at ‘ome,
Put your feet on the mantel shelf, go to the cupboard and ‘elp yerself’ lalalala !

I'm orf, as the posh peeps in my kitchen might say. It's funny how talking a load of rubbish can be therapeutic. I do enjoy occasionally barging my way into your Caff. Hygienic it's not. The menu is iffy. The staff are dead scruffy and bloody minded. The ambience leaves much to be desired and the floor show is X-rated and not suitable for the likes of naice girls. However, praise where it's due. I usually leave with a .

lemongrove I would never grass you up. I've got scruples (whatever that word means) and anyway, if as you rightly suggest it was my Eton mess that was confiscated, all I can say is...it was nobbled (another word I'm not too sure about) by one of the Caff staff. Some people will do anything to get a night off work. I've loitered in the bar most of the day. Dead quiet. Needed to refresh my glass a few times. Couldn't find the honesty box so I've kept a tab and put it somewhere safe - in the stinky bin in the corner of your kitchen.

Unidentified substances was what was left of your eton mess
soop and I am wondering who tipped off the cops in the first place, hmmm?
I have just evicted forensics from the premises by roaring ‘Git outta ma pub!’ They soon fled. Now I have to clean up for the second time in two days, and restock the bar.First I will have a sit down, and a large brandy ‘for my nerves’.