Bank of mum and dad

An addiction to spending money needs treatment. I have a charge on my son and daughter-in-law's house but wouldn't have lent them money if he didn't have a good credit record with me. She is much better with money than he is - he wouldn't dare spend like he did before they got together!

This is a difficult one. We had to pay off my daughters debt of £3000.... a lot of years ago...for which she was paying us back on monthly basis.... then she announced she was pregnant and getting married. My husband immediately jumped in and cancelled her debt to us. I was resentful about that as I was still working in retail and literally breaking my back to earn OUR living as my husband hasn’t done a days work since he was 50! My daughter is a ‘spender’ and with two kids and an irate husband got herself into more financial mess. This time before my husband could speak I said NO. I must stress my daughter has a well paid professional job and should never let this happen! My son on the other hand has less educational qualifications. and has always had badly paid ( minimum wage) jobs.... he can’t afford to buy a house but rents and apart from loaning him a deposit for a couple of his flats and first months rent ( which he’s has always paid back a.s.a.p.) he’s had nothing from us. I bought him s computer once years ago because he had been made redundant and was job hunting and this was the way to do it. It worked . He was employed within a couple of months! The computer WAS a gift from me as his dad would not approve! I occasionally dropped him a few pounds when I knew he was short and I KNEW he was going without food to pay bills , because that’s how he was brought up . Seems it worked for my son but not my daughter! Anyway when I went to put a few quid in his pocket a year or so back he said”no”. He said he’d made a promise to himself that once he’d got to thirty , if he was no farther forward in life( financially) then it was his fault and he wouldn’t take money from me. I’ve not insulted him by offering since . I admire him more than my daughter , with her husband and two house and debt!! There comes a time when you have to stop! I’ve reached it.

I'm grateful we were taught to live within our means and to save regularly. This means not only do we have funds if needed but we can prove we are a good financial "risk" as we don't have debt and a good track record of saving. I will not have a credit card, I refuse to pay through the nose for these things. I agree credit, or to put it correctly, debt, is offered freely but as an adult, I choose to say no. I also tefuse to get into debt for fancy cars and household goods. Good, second hand paid with cash is a better option. Most of the things people buy will end up in the landfill site sooner rather than later. We have also made sure that we have insurance to cover such things as unemployment, sickness or loss of goods. We spend our money wisely and enjoy it. We think about our purchases, is it going to make our lives more comfortable and easy? Sadly, too many people want instant gratification. They want things now, rather than save up for it. The Jonses have much to answer for, as do people who are irresponsible with their money. We only have one wage coming in and it's less than the "average" wage but we are debt and stress free. There is much to be said for the old fashioned way of managing your money. Sorry that so many posters have had to pay such high costs when bailing out adult children. And as for bankruptcy, well, someone has to pay for that . If you run up a debt then I do feel you are responsible and accountable. There are good places to get help and advice, interest can be "frozen" and arrangements made for you to pay back, what you borrowed, at an affordable rate. Maybe if money sense was taught in the home and at school, it would help prevent so many people suffering.nBest of luck to everyone doing their best to get out of debt.

Ingejones - abstract figures in the bank and credit, very good way of putting it. Yes I think it was easier when money was cash and if you didn't have you didn't get.

Although they are your DS and DIL they are 2 people separate people who have to change their ways. Can they both stick to the plan? Is one of them less able to change their ways than the other. Are you going to be resentful when one of them buys something you don't think is needed etc. When you are careful with your money it is incredible how other people can be so stupid. I hope this doesn't end up causing trsentmemt between you and them.

I think I would have done the same, against my better judgement but try to make this a one off. They mustn't learn that you will always be their to pay of they debts because you believe in family.

I understand your irritation that they have foolishly got themselves in this much debt but think you have done the right thing if you can afford it . Saying that - CAB are very good in helping people with debt and often can get a portion written off .
If I was in your position I would do the same x

My DD is currently studying and keen to budget but I realised it's much harder these days because so many things can be paid for (or even have to be) using a card, and it must be so much harder to keep track of that.

My dear late FIL helped us out to the tune of £300 back in the 1980s when we were struggling; doesn't sound a lot but it was enough to set us back on the right road again and we never needed to ask for any more. My DH was most embarrassed and ashamed to ask for help, as was I, but bless him, FIL refused to let us pay anything back. We have helped our own DS out once on a flat rental deposit. When he felt able to pay it back we refused as by then he had 2 little ones and we told him and DIL to spend it on them.

So sorry about the long post but it helped to get it off my chest. I thought that when you got to your 70s life would be less hassle.

So sorry about the long post but it helped to get it off my chest. I thought life would be less hassle in your 70s.

I do hope you have something written down to protect yourselves Wanderers1. Two and a half years ago I lent my D and SIL 12 times that amount so they could buy a house. She had been left enough money to buy a house by her DF 3 years previously but they had spent well over half for various reasons. I lent the money because H had never had anything on credit so could not get a mortgage. I well and truly protected myself with my name on the deeds and a charge on the house. They paid me small sum each week to cover the interest I lost. They were saving a lot of money over the rent on the previous house. But they carried on living extravagantly and didnt save. After 15 months they got a mortgage and the house had increased in value by about £25K too. Then they said they had to pay £800 in fees to have my name taken off the deeds. I refused to pay this as I had pay some of the fees when buying. Do SIL decides he wouldnt pay me the weekly amount any more. So I had to get tough there and then got the lump sum back when the mortgage went through. Since then they haven't had much to do with me. This couple are middle aged Earlier this year she rang asking me to lend her £100 until payday. I felt reluctant but lent it to her because I thought it would cause more of a rift if I didn't .
Now 7 pay days have gone by and she hasn't paid any back although they have bought a new car and always doing something. I had previously intended buying a small buy to let property with the money I lent but in that time property prices have risen so I now cannot afford to.
Compare that to my youngest DD who lives on benefits with a large family after her partner left. Her washing machine broke down so I bought her a new one which she is paying me back monthly for it at a rate she can afford. She insisted tgat she pay for it.
My youngest DS has a life limiting disease and I have spent the last year bailing him out although his benefits should cover everything. We found he had been lying to us last week so unfortunately the bank of Mum is now firmly shut. DS is now not speaking to us.

My mum and dad helped me out when I needed it and I have and will help out my DSs. I'd much rather give my money to those I love than buy a lot of stuff I don't really want. Well done Wanderers1

We would help our children at the drop of a hat if they need help so well done wanderers1 you have done what is right for YOUR family.

My poor children have a poor Mum unfortunately so they have had to manage their money from an early age and take up jobs as students etc.

So many of my friends have bought driving lessons, cars, paid off student loans and given large deposits for house purchases to their children.

I cannot help thinking these children will never know what it's like to go without, budget, save up etc.

We have friends who seem to give all their disposable income to their three children for cars, houses and holidays yet their children, in professions, have a far greater earning potential than their parents ever did and earn far more now than their recently retired parents did. Their parents were prudent all their lives and budgeted for everything and saved regularly, often going without. They drive a small car and live in a very modest house which is impractical for impending old age. Yet their children are draining their savings and they are giving it to them willingly. I think children can be spoiled.

I want to scream at them to spend, spend, spend. They have earned it and their children are having an easy passage through life whilst their parents still go without.

I feel so sorry for my poor children when I read stories of wealthy parents providing for their children and bailing them out of trouble. I suppose I should be grateful that my children haven't had financial difficulties (hardship but not serious debt) but there must have been many times when they envied their peers good fortune.

I am hoping the house I have worked to pay for all my life won't be swallowed up in care home fees in the years to come. I desperately want to leave them something. I am so proud of their work ethic. They deserve a bit of good fortune, financially.

I am wondering if I had savings would I be prepared to use them to help out my adult children if they had debts? I conclude that I would.

This is interesting as I am wondering whether or not to offer help to my son. I know they have a lot of debt and assume that much of the payments are taken up,with interest. They could then pay me back interest free. But we have helped out in the past and they seem to get back into debt. Not sure what to do. I have two other children who never ask for anything although they are not well off. They all work but are not on high wages.

We have 5 children, 4 sensible with money and one not so at all! All brought up the same.

You did the right thing, Wanderer. as others have said, that is what families are for.
We've helped ours out several times in the past, and now our eldest, who is quite well off, helped us.
We don't have savings so needed to take out a loan for a new roof, etc, and he lent us the money so we avoided the cost of loan insurance. Paid off now.
We helped out our other son, who hasn't 2 pennies, but only so much a month, when his old car broke down. but gave it to him, rather than a loan.
And our 2 girls, both hopeless with money, have had help from us in the past but seem to be more thrifty now.
Don't be embarrassed about money, most families have had money problems at some time.

I give money to my grown up children (they have never asked) but I know when things are tough. I pay money monthly towards my grand-daughter's school fees. However I would never lend £10K (which would just about clean me out) also any financial advisor will say "do not borrow your way out of debt but you have made up your mind so hope all goes well.

We have always treated our income and savings as belonging to the whole family. I cannot see the point of DH and me having a big savings account paying 1% Interest, while our DDs are paying 5% interest on their mortgages. We are not 'well off' but have no debt and a fair bit put by for our 'old age' i.e. NOW, which we are starting to use for much needed home refurbishment and to pay for tradesmen to do all the jobs that DH used to do before he became ill.

Any 'windfall' (eg inheritance from our parents) has always been divided equally between the 4 of us (2xDD, DH, Myself). We stumped up the deposit for both DD's student flats but when these were eventually sold when the DDs bought family homes, one flat had increased in value by a lot, the other by very little so the 2 DDs, of their own accord shared the profit equally, giving them each a substantial deposit for their new houses.

Recently, DD1 took ill (self employed so no income for some months now) in the midst of extending her home, and having her car written off. By agreement with DD2 we paid for a decent (not new) car for DD1 on the basis that we gave each of the DDs half the cost of the car and DD2 put her share back into the pot for the car purchase - we like to keep them equal

I find it strange when parent's give money to their adult children with strings attached or an expectation of getting it back. Then I realise that we are lucky in having 2 canny DDs who are thrifty and financially savvy (and a SIL and SOL who are steady earners too). The DGC are being brought up to spend half/save half of their pocket and birthday money.

When my daughter went to University I paid her rent, costs, clothing, food , phone and bought her a car. This cost a lot of money over the three years ...then she wanted to do a fourth year again at a cost ! I paid for that in full ...by now she had a student job, but I still paid for the expenses, car, etc and sent additional money when I could. I then had a little money come my way and offered to buy her a small terrace house. She said No, I would rather have the money .....reluctantly I transferred it over to her ,explaining that although I would not expect repayment as it was my decision to give it to her, it would be on the understanding that now all the money she would have received when I die will be considerably reduced if not nil after expenses are deducted. This was ten years ago and she has not spoken to me since .........and now that I live in France, the inheritance laws applicable to French estate are different and it is split between children by law. However, if I die before my husband, then HIS daughter would receive any estate left .........I am no longer certain where mine lives anyway ....so should be interesting when the authorities find her if they do and present her with a large bill for inheritance tax .....I have a pre paid funeral policy but am thinking of cashing it in and haunting her so I can see the look on her face .........but then, I am like that ! I have no idea why this happened but since I said there would be no further money I have a good incling ! OK to 'lend' money (I didn't, I gave it) BUT if you need it, then my advice would dont .....unless you don't need it and can afford to lose it but point out there will be no more as now it has all gone ! Luckily I never borrowed anything (unless you count a mortgage, paid in full, or a car loan, likewise !) My mother always said never a borrower or a lender be .....hard if your child asks you directly for a loan, with all the best intentions to pay it back ...until life gets in the way !

Also, as a ruse to avoid care home fees.

I will lend money to my adult daughters to cover car emergencies etc. but insist on a plan to pay it back within a certain time frame and they know there will be no further loans until the first is repaid. Now, I am having to take money out of ISAs to lend them I do add on the interest I would have lost- only half a percentage now ( grrr!) so still a much better deal than they could find elsewhere!

I don't think we do our offspring any favours by bailing them out all the time for their silliness, greed or whatever led them to be overdrawn even if it's seen as early inheritance. Also, if you are giving large sums and you die within seven years it can be seen, I believe, as trying to avoid death duties and be recalculated into your estate unless you have been very clever to disguise it somehow!

I don't see this as an unusual situation, especially these days, when credit is relatively easy to access. I'm sure many of us have had to step in with financial support, although £10k is a large sum. Isn't that partly what Mums and Dads are for? We may hope that once our children reach adult life they are no longer our financial responsibility, but is that realistic? Not in my experience...

I feel that we should really only help others who help themselves, otherwise some will just abuse the situation, knowing we will always step in and help. Some youngsters live way beyond their means with top of the range phones, tv’s, cars, holidays etc while ignoring everyday living costs. A friend whose son owes her a lot of money, also deducts a set amount for birthday and Xmas too, as well as having regular payments from him. She also voiced her regrets of always giving him everything he ever wanted and making him the irresponsible adult he is now.

I too have helped my son out to the tune of £10,000. It means I have to probably rent for the rest of my life. I don’t expect to get it back as that is just the tip of the iceberg debt wise. My DIL is terminally ill and they were getting the bailiffs knocking on the door. My son said he would never have asked me otherwise.. What could I do. Luckily I had the equity from my previous house sale.